Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

Hello my darlings,

One wanted to start off this month’s musings by sharing, as promised in my column last month, one’s New Year’s Resolutions or, as I prefer to call them, ‘intentions’, for the weeks and months ahead...

The magazine’s theme this edition is Mardi Gras - aka ‘Fat Tuesday’, aka ‘Shrove Tuesday’ - or as we in the UK call it - ‘Pancake Day’.

All told, the timing and juxtaposition of my musings with this month’s theme really is rather exquisite. This prelude to Lent is a period of reflection and a wonderful opportunity to consider what personal pleasures one will abstain from for the next 40 days, and quite possibly, carry over into one’s daily life for the foreseeable.

Allow me to share them with you, along with my preliminary thoughts and tentative progress reports. I shall try not to digress too much, darlings!

Lady P’s 2023 New Year’s Resolutions, Reflections & Intentions

Alcohol must NOT be consumed on school nights. Although one no longer attends school, so thankfully that resolution is rather moot!

Healthy meals to be consumed Monday to Friday, with a little of whatever one fancies - so to speak - can be indulged on weekends. Anyone know if Gordon Ramsay is still stateside, or is he back in good old Blighty? This could be just the vehicle he is looking for to enhance his standing with the British aristocracy, non? Lean in while I whisper it darlings - I think we know his famous footballing pal can kiss goodbye to a knighthood, no matter how many hours he queues up to pay his respects…

Shopping to be kept to an absolute minimum due to the cost of living crisis and, more pressingly, a dire lack of storage space, moreso since Mummy decided to appropriate what precious storage space we had, to set up her own ‘kitchen table business’. No idea what she’s up to, all I do know is that it’s a better-guarded secret than the ginger one’s next [dubious] ‘career move’!

Plus, being the ever-dutiful daughter, one has to consider the effects it’s having on Daddy’s health - and wealth! I know Messrs Visa, Amex and Mastercard will have taken quite a hit on their projected profits what with the drop in sales, but one must try and be a well-behaved daughter, well at least for the first quarter of this year!

One’s shopping habits - off and online - shall be overhauled. ‘Add to basket, just don’t continue to the checkout’ will be my new modus operandi - vicarious virtual shopping!

Stop being such a ‘yes-woman’. One does have a teeny, tiny problem saying no to people, as one really really does like to please! One needs to be more assertive and follow in the fabulous Dame Helen Mirren’s footsteps with this rather wonderful quote of hers:

“At 70 years old if I could give my younger self one piece of advice, 

it would be to use the words 'fuck off' much more frequently.”

Now let me just set the record straight by stating that I am NOWHERE near the age of 70 my darlings, however, these are very wise words indeed, which I will adopt instantly. No more gullible Lady P. I will not be a pushover nor will I be a people pleaser any longer. Dita comes first! So to speak…I wonder if that talented, potty-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay could offer me some private tuition in how to become a full-blown, sweary Mary?! He really is quite the multi-talented genius!

A MUCH stricter dating eligibility process. One will take the same stance as Bridget Jones when she declared: "Will find sensible boyfriend to go out with and not continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping Toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fu*kwits or perverts." Bridget and I do seem to have an awful lot in common, what with picking the wrong man whilst pushing the right ones away. Footnote: One would also add treacherous princes to this list, whether they be ginger or otherwise!

So how is one getting on with all these intentions I hear you ask?

One is pleased to report that as one has been working on becoming a better-behaved daughter and Lady, with some nights now classified as school nights and the ‘no alcohol’ rule is applied. However, if one has had a stressful day, then that rule is mindfully ignored, and one has been known to treat oneself to a large stiff one, so to speak…

As for Gordon, he says he’s not that desperate for cash and not-so-politely declined the offer of being one’s personal chef, along with expressing some rather strident views about aristos! Ah well, back to the drawing board with that one. Perhaps Gino D'Acampo might be available - seems to have pretty much gone AWOL on TV, and one does hanker after a generous portion of Italian meatballs with lashings of sauce...

Now hold on to your hats, and get ready to pick up your jaw from the floor with this latest revelation my darlings! Hard as you may find this to believe, but I, Lady P, am well and truly over frivolous shopping. I’ve had quite an epiphany - and no, I don’t need a cream to rub on it. Well not unless you absolutely insist darlings…

If one lived ten more lifetimes, one still wouldn’t be able to get through all the outfits I have hanging and languishing in my wardrobe. In fact one is thinking of having a clear out and auctioning off what is no longer needed for charity. If the A-list can do it then so can Dita!

One is a totally reformed shop-a-holic! At last I am well and truly back in Daddy’s good books. To say he is thrilled at the idea of his daughter no longer being a financial drain or ‘leeching off him’ as he so ‘eloquently’ yelped would be putting it very mildly. Thankfully, peace and harmony are once more restored at the manor, well they are, if you can ignore Daddy’s relentless shouting at the TV each time the news comes on!

Stop being such a yes woman. Yes, yes, yes! One is delighted to report that this intention is going swimmingly. No longer do I say yes to every request - reasonable, decent, or otherwise…which quite frankly left one rather exhausted and unable to find the time for one’s own pursuits.

Tho I must say there have been rather a few raised eyebrows when the ‘F’ word made an appearance, often at quite inopportune moments! I think our poor church warden has just about got over my forceful response. The poor lady; she’d only asked if I would like to take part in some organ practice with her and the choirmaster, as she knew how au fait I am with the organist’s pipes. At least I think that’s what she said…Anyway, apart from one or two hiccups, I’d like to heartily thank you Dame Helen, it works a treat!!

Now onto the the rather delicate subject of dating eligibility and this one is proving a lot more trickier than anticipated, as one is still attracting the wrong sort of suitor, however, this is a work in progress, a marathon, not a sprint and one will end the race victorious, one just wishes there weren’t so many damn hurdles to overcome.

Anyway as Daddy always says “you need to be in it, to win it”, and I have my eyes on the prize which will eventually come my way and that my ravishing readers is where I had the most life changing epiphany which I want to share with you.

“Stop chasing love and relationships and start chasing your own joy - by continually obsessing over and chasing love, we forget to love ourselves. Love isn’t a tick box on a to-do list. Take a step back and focus on your own needs and happiness.”

You could call these Lady P’s Pearls of wisdom which I am more than happy to share, and, I faithfully promise, #PinkyPromise, that from now on, I will strive to be a better Lady, imparting my had learnt ‘n’ earnt life lessons with all of you my darling readers in the hope that we can all become better people. Lorks. I have so many pearls to share, I swear we’ll all be wearing pearl necklaces by the end of the year!

 

Mwah and toodles, ‘til next time!

 

xx