Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Cancer

All hands on deck are required as your life enters a very hectic period. Embrace the limelight and enjoy being the star that you were clearly born to be. Just remember that you cannot do everything by yourself so when people offer their services, instead of being a dismissive diva sweetie, embrace humility and accept their help with grace, dignity and aplomb. Nobody likes a condescending and insufferable know-it-all, so be respectful and play nice with others and lo and behold, instead of a giant balls-up, things should go swimmingly. Who’d have thunk it, eh?! #MoreHandsMakeLightWork

Leo

It’s time to dive in the deep end and commit to something. In fact, ANYTHING Leo, just friggin commit and stop being so lackadaisical! This wishy-washy, ditsy, ‘don’t know what I’m doing, from one moment to the next’ routine is getting a little tiresome, so much so, you’re pi$$ing off your nearest and dearest to the point where they are going to be forced into staging an intervention to put you out of your misery! Get back in the game and try acting like you have and know your own mind. Make plans and strive for goals. Try seizing the day sweetie and STOP f*cking pussyfooting around! #ThinkDecideCommitFocusSucceed

Virgo

Nobody is knocking down your door to spend time with you Virgo because you’re giving off that anti-social vibe; therefore your nearest and dearest are giving you a wide berth because, quite frankly sweetie, they don’t know what kind of reception they're going to receive: possibilities are ranging from moody f*cker, antagonistic arsehole, or complete and utter cockwomble, so to avoid the risk of causing a fall out of epic proportions, perhaps the best course of action for all interested parties would be to assess the situation thoroughly and proceed with caution. #EnterAtYourOwnRisk

Libra

Have you got what it takes to achieve your goals? Have you got the stamina needed to stay the course when things get tough? Or are you a wet blanket, living a piss-poor existence with no aspirations in life? The choice is yours Libra, but do choose wisely. Don’t succumb to having your dreams sucked out of you by the pessimistic posse or the toxic tw*t brigade or give them the satisfaction of knowing they affect your life in any way, shape or form. Surround yourself with positive people and feed off their energy and enthusiasm. Booking an all-you-can-eat buffet with them would be a great start to get the juices flowing and going! #LikeMindedPeopleLiftEachOtherUp

Scorpio

It’s time to surround yourself with friends and to enjoy the company of others. An online, virtual life can be a lonely, unrealistic place to exist, and for far too long, your life has been a little empty sweetie, with you rattling around the house by yourself like bloody Billy-no-mates. A long overdue return to society coupled with spending time with real, actual, living people is just the ticket needed to stop you from festering alone, slowly descending into madness and it may even stop you from talking complete and utter drivel to yourself and arguing with over-opinionated arseholes - aka keyboard warriors - online. #RealityIsBetterThanFantasy

Sagittarius

Stop trying to please everyone! It's absolutely bloody exhausting and a completely pointless exercise that’s doomed to fail because no matter how diplomatic you try to be, there’s always some tw*t who’s going to either be offended, hurt or pi$$ed off. You don’t need that kind of pressure in your life sweetie, so start being a little more selfish and worry about yourself first, last and always. Make YOU your priority because you can bet your bottom dollar that others will not make you their priority, nor will they give a flying f*ck! #TruthHurts

Capricorn

You can’t do everything at once or by yourself, so behave yourself Capricorn and stop acting like a complete numpty! You are not a superhero, nor are you superhuman. You are a mere mortal who can and will inevitably crash and burn when the $hit hits the fan as life goes completely Pete Tong! It’s best to tackle one problem/situation at a time, deal with it and accept help when it’s offered. When you try to juggle everything by yourself, things will inevitably come crashing down, exploding all over the place, making a complete f*cking mess that has to be cleaned up, and all because you couldn’t bloody wait, you stubborn old goat! #PatienceIsAVirtue

Aquarius

Plunge yourself into a passion project that brings you joy and satisfaction sweetie. This will, in turn, create a giant $hit-eating grin that you will be wearing for the foreseeable future, along with a wonderfully triumphant feeling of accomplishment and ‘f*ck you’ attitude. Euphoria should be cherished, and hopefully, that will last a long long time, so keep on replenishing that feel-good factor, and maybe it will keep the boredom and mindless crap to a bare minimum. Life can be a bloody uphill struggle at the best of times, so try becoming a ‘glass half full’ person rather than a glass half empty. #DontWorryBeHappy

Pisces

Stop tooting your own horn Pisces, because quite frankly, you are severely pi$$ing off those around you who are mightily fed up with hearing the “aren't I fabulous” skit that you’re currently broadcasting far and wide, worldwide on all social media platforms on an unrelenting, continuous loop! For the love of humanity and to try and salvage any type of harmonious relationship with your nearest and dearest, try adopting a more humble stance, wind your neck in and stop acting like a f*cking cockwomble! #NobodyLikesAShowoff

Aries

You keep catching yourself daydreaming, and that’s okay sweetie. Dreams can transport you to a faraway place that helps to distract you from the mundane $hit that life constantly throws at you on a daily basis. The glaringly obvious downside to this is the potential to get so caught up in your daydreams that living in the real world ceases to exist as the line between reality and fantasy blurs so much that you’re not even sure of who you are and what planet you are actually living on. This would be the perfect time to put down the plonk Aries, sober up and get your ditsy, tipsy head out of the clouds and back in the friggin’ game! #DontDrinkAndDream

Taurus

No matter how busy with work you are, you have to make time for the fun things in life. All work and no play makes Taurus a boring old fart on the slippery slope to ‘Dullsville’. When you find yourself trapped in that depressing destination, it can sap your strength, and escaping its clutches can be tricky as it tries to keep you in its suffocating grasp. By the time you manage to pull yourself out of this funk, it can be a long, difficult road back to ‘Funsville’. You work to live, not live to work sweetie, so ditch the joy thieves, slap a bloody big smile on your face, and go join the party! #BanishTheFunPolice

Gemini

You’re caught up in such a frantic pace of life that, unfortunately, it’s snowballed out of control, and you are hurtling towards a complete meltdown, ultimately collapsing in a heap or falling flat on your face, exhausted and depleted of all energy and the will to live for that matter! You’ve become so uptight and angry that people are avoiding you like the plague rather than spending time with you so they can steer clear of stressful situations that may result in telling you to shut the f*ck up and stop with the whole ‘woe is me’ routine! Grow up, grow a pair and cancel the f*cking pity party! #StopFeelingSorryForYourself