Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You currently have absolutely no idea what self discipline involves and - if you’re really going to be honest with yourself - you have no desire whatsoever to find out, nor put it into motion. This kind of destructive behaviour coupled with your ‘f*ck it’ outlook on life certainly doesn’t endear you to family, friends or foe! In a nutshell Aquarius, what it does is make you look like a complete and utterly selfish, pompous plonker. If you carry on down this road, you’ll end up being about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit, festering in your own stench! #BehaveAndPlayNicely
You are more than a little tempted to not only take the day off, but the whole bloody month off! The beginning of the new year was a hectic one with lots to do, people to see, places to go…yada, yada, yada…and now you are totally exhausted - both mentally and physically. As befits your watery star sign, you long to swim away somewhere quiet until you are well rested and full stamina is restored once more. Enjoy some tranquillity - don’t be guilt tripped into returning to the mad rush of society until you are ready, willing and able. Embrace solitude and revel in the glory of being alone where no one can pi$$ you off with their incessant demands! Why can’t everyone be more like your fishy tendencies, and just go with the flow?! #IWantToBeAlone
Are you looking for someone to canoodle with Aries? Well if you are - here’s a heads up buster - you’re looking in all the wrong places. Do you honestly expect to connect emotionally with a photo on a phone screen that’s been photoshopped and filtered to within an inch of its life? REALLY?! Try going out and about and actually meeting people in the flesh, to see if there is an attraction and interpersonal chemistry. As a Fire sign, you of all people should know the importance of sparks to get a fire going! Only then might you find someone to canoodle. And whilst we’re on the subject of canoodling…we would like to ram home the point that you can’t bloody canoodle with a smartphone. Tho in this day and age, there’s probably a whole fetish subculture devoted to that topic. But let’s not digress. For now! #RealityAlwaysWins
Let’s have a little bit of bully-bully-bull$hit! You’re allowed to be a little economical with the truth every now and again, especially if it spares a loved one pain or embarrassment. Just channel your inner politician - you know the ones we mean - those who are never off our news feeds, spouting piffle and utter duplicitous crap; and release the inner professional liar #PantsOnFire that lives within us all. That’s right Taurus - EVERYONE is capable of lying, however, there are degrees of lying - from little white lies, to medium-sized porky pies, to great big fat whoppers. As an Earth sign you can probably get away with more ‘earthier’ turns of phrase, but for the sake of your own reputation - and conscience - make sure you err more towards the little ‘uns, rather than the big! #TellMeLiesTellMeSweetLittleLies
Stop letting people get under your skin. We know there’s nowt as queer as folk and that some have multiple personalities or behave very differently under certain circumstances. However, you need to see through the bull$hit, breathe deeply, count to whatever calms you the f*ck down, then rise and float above it, like the Air sign that you are. If someone really pi$$es you off on a regular basis then just give them a wide berth. You don’t need that kind of negativity and hassle in your life. Friends and loved ones much prefer it when you’re the life and soul of the party, enjoying life to the full rather than an irritable, miserable, unsociable, grumpy old git! #DontWorryBeHappy
There’s been an awful lot of head scratching lately, with you feeling more than a little lost. Life is like a jigsaw puzzle and you are having trouble piecing it together. FEAR NOT Cancer. It’s time to get your arse back in the saddle and steer a new course. Clear your mind and focus on what you want to achieve rather than meandering aimlessly through each day - you don’t have to adopt ALL the characteristics of your crab sign! You spend far too long daydreaming about unrealistic crap that has absolutely no chance of coming to fruition. We know it’s good to dream but on this occasion, here’s some tough love. Get your head out the f*cking clouds and start dealing with actual reality! #ItsTimeToVacateLaLaLand
Jealousy is rearing its ugly head and you need to bash it back down pronto Leo before it rises up so high you'll need a bloody big crane to reach it! Jealousy can lead you on a dangerous journey, falling into a vortex of nastiness, bitterness, envy and resentment. Nothing is more unattractive than someone who is so green with envy, they could give the Incredible Hulk a run for his money! So behave yourself and learn to control it. Nobody is asking you to completely extinguish your fiery star sign’s qualities. Instead, focus on your life rather than fixating on others’, OR, you might find your skin turning an alarming shade of emerald whilst bursting out of your clothes in a fit of rage! #GreenIsNotMyColour
Not sure where your relationship is going? Are your emotions in a right old kerfuffle? Does your mind and tummy resemble the drum of a washing machine, spinning out of control? If this sounds like you, be brave sweetie, pull the plug and take a well needed time out. F*ck everybody else with their uninvited opinions on what you should or shouldn’t do; clear your mind, find something to distract you from all the bull$hit and, if all else fails, resign yourself to the fact that you may have to resort to abstinence from any kind of rumpy pumpy until you are able to get your head back in the game. #WeAreOnABreak
Confidence is key and the more confident you look, the better the impression you will have on others. You’ve all heard the famous saying, ‘fake it til you make it’. Well sweetie, it’s a mantra you need to adopt whenever you need a little shot of adrenaline to get you through the toughest and scariest scenarios that you face. A good ol’ mantra can be just as nerve-steadying as a large slug of brandy, AND - bonus points - it won’t render you tipsy either and leave you off balance! So, when you are feeling a little unsure, act like you know what you are doing and SMILE. Remember: nobody will be able to see the ‘OMFG what am I doing?’ that’s furiously churning away on the inside. #ThinkCoolLookCoolActCool
Don’t be surprised if a recent decision you have made throws up some unexpected problems. Remember, $hit happens and it’s just another obstacle you need to overcome before you get the result you want. Patience is a virtue Scoprio, so don’t throw your toys out of the pram like a spoiled, petulant big baby. Wo/man up and try tackling ‘said’ problem like an adult. That way you don’t embarrass yourself in front of friends and family. You are NOT a toddler and temper tantrums are soooo damn unattractive. Once you’ve been caught throwing one sweetie, it will be hard to shake off that kind of stigma. And with an ego like yours, you neither want nor need that kind of negativity! #UnflatteringNicknamesIncoming
Maybe now is a good time to err on the side of caution. Your impulsive ‘gung ho’ attitude has got you into a lot of trouble lately and also lost you quite a few friends. So! Before you become ‘Billy-No-Mates’ - because you’ve been strutting around like ‘Billy-Big-Bollocks’ - we strongly suggest that you reign it in PRONTO TONTO, and return your ego to its default setting (NORMAL), before things spiral even further out of your control. You can be confident without being arrogant. It’s time to surrender your inner Sergeant Major and just learn to relax. Take things at a more leisurely pace and remind your remaining friends that you do have a fun-loving side…sometimes! #WaveTheWhiteFlag