Lady P - December 2022
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Seasons greeting my darling readers, and what an extraordinary assignment one has been gifted with this month, from those absolute darlings at EH HQ! They must’ve heard Daddy complain about his nips being so frozen, that he almost keyed the Bentley when he topped up the antifreeze!!
Coincidence of coincidences, those darling gals only went and arranged a visit to a cryogenic freezing facility! Can you imagine? Being frozen in time, only to be defrosted decades later, waking up and finding a whole new different world awaits? Puts my frozen prawn ring shenanigans to shame…
Anyway, I digress…
This was an intriguing procedure that one would need to vet thoroughly, before making any rash decisions in the heat of the moment - geddit?!
This was an important fact-finding mission for which one would need to be appropriately attired - step forward my trusty maid Maria, multiple tabs open on Net-A-Porter, and off we went in search of an outfit that would make one look a suitably curious, solvent and intelligent ‘client proposition’ - business-like, but also a live-life-to-the-full, clued-up, sassy Lady. Like a good Girl Guide, one has to be prepared for all eventualities and opportunities! After all, one never knows when one’s knight or prince might cross one’s well beaten path…
An ice cool, blue tweed concoction won the battle for my sartorial senses, not least because I could turn back the cuffs, showing off a little fur, to demonstrate my playful side, without being too outré darlings. Suitably attired, this wannabe Lady Smurfette set off to explore the frozen wastes of immortality…
Much as I would love to tell you the facility’s location, I cannot divulge its name for legal reasons however, you’ve probably guessed that one’s flight landed Stateside!
And I’m not too shy to admit that one was already halfway frozen - I was primed to give the Ginger whinger the cold shoulder once and for all. That petulant prince really should be sent to social Siberia, to give him a much-needed reality check!
Anyway, I fleetingly digress…
Upon arrival at the facility one was met by a rather divine-looking creature in a white coat and a pair of horn-rimmed spectacles, which gave him an intelligent, knowing air, and gave me the raging horn - please do forgive my frank lewdness, but one was quite the smitten kitten!
One was rather baffled and bamboozled by all the medical jargon, especially when he was explaining the freezing procedure, and how a team would be on standby with you in the days leading up to your death so they can begin the process as soon as your heart stops. All sounds very pre-meditated to me, and may scupper any latent dreams of pursuing dangerous sports or activities. One would like to preserve all of one’s body - intact!
Once the old ticker has stopped and you are pronounced legally dead, then the freezing process can commence, as the body is still in the early dying process so the cells and organs are viable. They then restore your breathing to protect the brain, intravenously administer medicines, cool the body with ice, and replace the blood with organ preservation solution. One started to feel more than a little queasy at this amount of detail,, and by this stage it was lights out I’m afraid.
Apparently one fainted, quite decorously landing in Mr Horn-rimmed’s arms, however his assistant did say that it was all rather dramatic, as one fell with such grace and aplomb, it was like something from a movie scene in a rom-com. He was most attentive and caring, looking after one with lashings of sweet tea for the shock. I waited until he briefly left the room to sneak in a generous slug of brandy - well this gal was well and truly shaken and stirred, alas not in the Bond way!
Fully recovered and aptly revivified, it was time to continue our tour of the facility with my dashing gentleman, where he detailed the next part of the journey after the client had been transferred to the facility and the freezing process is set in motion.
This involves quite a complicated procedure, with the body being cooled down to -196°C. Cryoprotectants are administered first, and the body is ready for cryopreservation. And voila! The dying process has been stopped in its tracks.
Once this has been done, the body is then stored in a vacuum-insulated metal dewar at subfreezing temperatures, using liquid nitrogen which is topped up regularly. It was beyond fascinating to see how they were stored, but thankfully one could only see giant silver tanks and no bodies, which would have been a tad too disturbing for this Lady, and would have required several Saint Bernard rescue dogs to come to my aid, with a few casks of brandy!
The deep-chilled client remains in long-term care until revival becomes possible. At the moment, no cryogenics facilities are able to revive a cryopreserved client, but they do hold high expectations that future technology will allow them to do that.
On that note, there was lots for one to ponder - and later that night one made a pros and cons list to discuss with my Glossy Posse group chat on WhatsApp.
- Another shot at life
- See what the new world looks like
- Outrageous fashion
- Weird and wonderful new food and drinks to sample
- A whole new world of travel - will it be space travel by then? Lots of planets to visit and lots of different species to discover, especially/hopefully the male species!
- Do I really want another shot at life?
- Will the world be far too advanced and impersonal, all digital and robotic?
- Silly fashion that makes one look ridiculous - call me vain, all you like…
- Space shuttle-lag, planets with no oxygen so one is kitted out in a spacesuit - so unsexy!
- What if the male species were not the same? This could go either way - extra-large or multiple appendages could be interesting, but what if they have none? Such a quandary!
The mind boggles, and one was left mentally exhausted by it all. However, the general consensus was that it could be a fabulous enterprise later down the line, so it would be prudent to have sufficient funds to proceed should one wish.
The more one thought about this, the more it appealed and so this opportunity to have oneself frozen lead to the need to make some serious cash whilst one was still in possession of one’s good looks and bootylicious body. Pending my possible ‘immortalisation’ thanks to science, perhaps I could be immortalised in the here and now…
Hmmmm…Can you hear this ditsy dame’s brain cogs whirring?! You can’t? Lean in closer. MUCH closer…
Daddy thinks it’s all far-fetched, indulgent, futuristic nonsense and that I need to get my head out of the clouds with these ridiculous bloody aspirations and ideas. However he did think me earning the money myself and “not freeloading off him” - his words not mine - to afford this procedure would get me off my “lazy entitled arse and do something productive for once”!
Oh my, someone has a short memory as not too long ago he was singing one’s praises for climbing Everest, and for that matter - Daddy dearest - my ‘lazy’ arse has never looked peachier or moved better!
So my ravishing readers, you are probably thinking, what genius idea did I come up with for squirrelling away a few pennies for this ‘cryo-venture’?
Wellllll….it was the genius idea of ‘D’!
Who is ‘D’ you ask?
You know how James Bond and MI6 have ‘M’ and ‘Q’ a’lurking at their HQ, well at EH HQ we have ‘D’, or ‘Tinkerbell’ as Emma has affectionately named her, because she sprinkles pixie-dust and magic over everything we write.
‘D’ & I hit it off from the very start, we share the same sense of mischievous humour, both well-educated - tho ‘D’ is State-educated/’street’, to my more refined, expensive (thanks for the constant reminders Daddy!) education, well-travelled, and both of us have a penchant for all things naughty. So once she’d signed the non-disclosure agreement with Daddy’s lawyers, well it’s safe to say she’s become one of my closest confidantes!
Why is one sharing all this information with you, you might ask? Well my darling readers, ‘D’ is a font of information - useful and useless - always sharing insightful tidbits, the good, the bad and the outrageously naughty. I thought it was a rather clever idea that ‘D’ sent me, which led to one’s next little venture into earning some serious dosh by capitalising on one’s popularity and assets...
Thank you ‘D’ and one will be in touch with an update on shooting as soon as the photographers and props are booked… However one would welcome input on poses, outfits, locations etc, and you do have one hell of an imagination, only rivalled by mine!!
And so my ravishing readers, it’s time to unveil my first foray into the world of celebrity calendars!!! 2023 is the year of this Lady. Well if it’s good enough for J Lo and Bo Jo…That latest wifey of his, Carrie, really is quite the little entrepreneur these days, isn’t she?! Is there no beginning to this woman's ‘talents’, or desire to pimp out her husband at every opportunity! Well I suppose they do have to keep the money pouring in, in some way - so many (numbers not known) children and ex-wives to house, clothe and feed!
This will be THE calendar to adorn your wall. Lady P in all her glory, adorned with the family jewels and treasures, tastefully done one with more than a little pinch of the provocative! Naturally, Daddy’s lawyers were consulted as to what befits a Lady’s reputation, and so one has had to adhere to a strict set of rules, which I guarantee I will enjoy pushing to their absolute limits! And they will be pushed, especially as the Glossy Posse want a slice of the action…
Tho wait until they hear what my plans are for a gift-filled advent calendar - ooh, I can already feel the mischief coming all over me, and hear the sound of Daddy bellowing and his blood pressure monitor semi-imploding! And he’ll have an absolute fit when he hears where I’m planning to put the staples on the proposed centrefold…
So my darling readers, I shall leave you in anticipation of revealing the world’s most fabulous ever calendar, where every day can be a date with meeeee, Lady P. Watch this space darlings, and follow us on socials for the all-important updates!
Toodle pip - have a blissful Christmas my darlings, go easy cracking those nuts, and enjoy emptying Santa’s sack. See you all next year, for more frivolity and frolics! Mwah xx
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