Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
This time of year brings out your emotional side, which could easily go one of two ways. You could either be full of love for family, friends and loved ones, eager to buy thoughtful gifts, spending the festive season making special memories and having fun. OR, you could be of the bah humbug variety - a grumpy old git who is more likely to want to fester alone, complaining about how all this is commercialised bull$hit and nonsense which you refuse to be a part of. Well sweetie ~ you can be miserable and alone, or plaster a fake smile on your face, hit the booze and party. The choice is yours!! #HoHoFu*kingHo
Attention Capricorns!!! You are about to be the host of a shedload of amazing ideas, and you don’t want to waste a single one of ‘em, so open up that big ol’ mind of yours, and be prepared for it to be awakened and challenged in ways that you NEVER thought possible! It’s time to lose your inhibitions, take chances and stop hindering yourself. HOWEVER, that doesn't give you the licence to be rude, to say inappropriate things, or foist your ideas on people whether they want to hear them or not. With great wisdom comes great responsibility, but not always power, so don't let those ideas turn you into you a pompous, bullying, know-it-all tyrant by behaving like a total tw*t, because ultimately, if you are not careful, you will end up an irrelevant, social pariah! #TheresAFineLineBetweenGeniusAndInsanity
Your reputation needs a little bit of a publicity boost in order to secure a few more festive party invites, because sweetie, they are looking a little thin on the ground. We know you are feeling like Billy-No-Mates, however, you can turn that around in a jiffy with your dazzling personality and hilarious wit. So with that in mind your first stop is to step up your social media presence with some fun posts, reminding people just how great you are to have around. Just one word of caution tho - you want an invite because you will add some classy humour to the event and not because they want you to play the court fu*king jester! #LaughWithYouNotAtYou
You urgently need to get out of your comfort zone and pronto! FFS sweetie, you’ve almost become a recluse with your only company, the virtual friends - and we use that term loosely - that you bitch with, or about, on social media. Your idea of a great night is seeing who can post the best putdowns whilst inciting a pile-on of like-minded, over-opinionated morons, who’s only pleasure in life is shoving their uninvited opinions on their ‘victims’. So for the love of humanity and your sanity - STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DEVICES, have a night off, and go play nicely with the real people! #StopBeingASlaveToSocialMedia
Your mind is sharply back in focus after the previous weeks being more than a little fuzzy around the edges, and that, my dear Aries, is thanks to you behaving like a pi$$ed up plonker, partying far TOO much, whilst burning the candle at both ends. You have been existing in the fuzzy haze of an alcohol-induced parallel universe where spirits, the grape and the grain have been monopolising your time, with Alka Seltzer, paracetamol and a large bucket your constant companions, in a feeble attempt to make you a little more human and tolerable. Oh the shame of it sweetie! Thankfully you’ve come to your senses and realised you were behaving like a complete t*at! #NormalBehaviourHasFinallyResumed
It’s been one hell of a year for you sweetie with so many twists and turns, and ups and downs, it’s nothing short of a miracle that you haven’t got permanent motion sickness. Just don’t use that as an excuse for an occasional ‘medicinal’ tipple as we hurtle towards the festive season, else that motion sickness will turn into the mother of all hangovers, ending up with you contorted over the toilet bowl, hugging the porcelain, before flip-flopping onto the bed/sofa/floor as the room spins around and around, while you yell “stop the world…I wanna to get off!” Everything in moderation means that this sorry situation can be prevented. So don’t say you haven’t been warned! #HappyHangover
You need to master the art of give and take, especially with party season about to take full flight. You can’t always get your own way so stop behaving like a spoiled brat. You have adopted the notion that the whole world revolves around you…well here’s a short, sharp shock sweetie…No it bloody doesn’t! Our advice would be to wake up, grow up, and shut the f*ck up - harsh, yet fair! It’s time to start behaving like a decent human being instead of a narcissistic primadonna - and while you’re at it, stick that over-inflated ego of yours back under lock and key where it belongs! #StayHumble
You’re feeling irritable and have your claws and pincers out ready to attack - typical bloody crabby Cancerian behaviour! You display none of the festive spirit that’s being paraded in cheesy Christmas adverts, pulling at our heartstrings - I’m talking to you John Lewis & Co, trying to make us part with our hard earned cash - and you are busy finding fault with everything. It’s like you're trying to pick a fight sweetie, even in an empty room…instead of sharpening those claws, try painting them pretty colours, or drape them in jewellery, and go out to party, and party hard!! We know there’s not an awful lot to be cheerful about, what with all that’s happening in the world, but you owe it to yourself and your loved ones, to remain optimistic, otherwise you may as well give up, crawl in a hole, before retreating into your crabby shell for all of eternity! #BahHumbug
You are in possession of some deliciously juicy gossip, and boy oh boy do you long to share it with all and sundry. Proceed with caution tho sweetie! BE CAREFUL, because once it leaves your lips, you are unable to control it. Within a nano-second it can run rampant with people, embellishing it each time it's passed from person to person, gaining momentum, with more and more bull$hit added with every re-telling, until you have created a monster which is so bad, vicious and utterly untrue, that there will be NO going back! And then my darling blabbermouth, you will become a social pariah with NOBODY wanting to tell you or give you the time of day, let alone confessing their deepest, darkest secrets. So don’t be a gobshite - be discreet, or get cancelled! #TellTaleTit
You need to keep a lid on your emotions, especially those teeny tiny tantrums, or should we say astronomical hissy fits that you are so prone to?! Nobody needs or wants to witness them in all their gory childish ‘glory’ as you explode after yet another petty disagreement over something that’s not quite up to your (impossibly, ridiculously high) standards. Reign it in you idiotic perfectionist before you say or do something that is so inappropriate or hurtful that it cannot be taken back nor extracted from the victim’s memory, no matter how much you wish it could! And breathe………Practice meditation, take a chill pill, or if all else fails, have some alcohol intravenously delivered until you are out of the danger zone!
With the booze flowing aplenty - especially at all those work parties - remember the following, as it may just save you from making a complete and utter tw*t of yourself, or even worse, getting fired! Limit your alcohol intake by interspersing it with soft drinks, and for the love of humanity and relative sobriety, don’t leave your drinks unattended, risking the office moron an opportunity to spike it! Watch what you say and who you say it to, because when it’s broadcast the following day via the work WhatsApp group, everyone will know you’re a gossip and tattle tail. And above all else, NO HANKY PANKY, because sweetie, everyone has a mobile phone which just happens to be filming you without your knowledge, and when you least expect it! #StaySafeWhenPartying
Love is in the air. Love for the season and love for all that it entails, family and friends coming together to party, along with the giddy excitement of lots and lots of presents! Nothing gives you a bigger adrenaline rush than that of holding a gift in your hands, especially when it’s been professionally wrapped. Untying the ribbon, excitedly ripping open the paper to discover such a wonderful, thoughtful gift underneath…UNLESS of course, some clueless fu*kwit - who really should know you better - gives you the most goddamn awful present EVER, and you’re left flabbergasted, trying with every ounce of your limited acting ability, to look as though you are delighted with it. Good luck with that one sweetie! #GiveMeThatOscarNOW