Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Sagittarius

You’re not very good at keeping your thoughts to yourself. In fact, it could be said you’re a bit of a blabbermouth. Well sweetie, that big mouth of yours could land you in hot water if you don’t learn when to exercise caution and keep bloody schtum. There’s always a time and a place for you to speak your mind and having an opinion is great, however, it doesn’t mean everybody else needs to know it. Stop being an indiscreet know-it-all and maybe, just maybe, people will put their trust in you by sharing their feelings, their innermost desires, their secrets and what they really think of life in general. #LooseLipsOverkill

Capricorn

You continue to meander pleasantly through life whilst all around you, friends, family AND colleagues are all losing the will to live, in trying - and mostly failing - to create the perfect festive season. You tend to go-with-the-flow and find it highly amusing how people are stressing over EVERY single teeny tiny detail. Bollocks to that! Christmas is meant to be a fun time spent with loved ones, enjoying each other's company and to be perfectly honest, you couldn’t give a crap, what gifts you’ve been given. It’s the thought that counts. AND…if they are truly terrible gifts at least you'll be popular at the local charity shop. #ReGiftResponsibly

Aquarius

You’re feeling very festive and in the mood to do a little Christmas shopping, but who my dear will be a lucky gift recipient, and who is on the naughty list? The lucky few will be totally spoiled as you’re getting those ‘let’s be generous and totally over the top’ vibes, meanwhile the latter can go and whistle! Especially those who have been nasty, bitchy, gossipy, spiteful or vindictive - lorks, these vye to be alternative humbuggy names for the seven dwarves, or Santa’s reindeer!! Wow! That could be one hell of a long list, so may we suggest a sliding scale of 1-10 with anything up to a score of 4 scraping through, and those ‘over the line’, can be banished to social Siberia! #MyBigFatNaughtyList

Pisces

You have been putting everybody’s needs before your own lately and now sweetie, it's time for that to STOP! Charity begins at home, therefore self love and looking after number one are your top priority. It’s time to be ‘selfish’ and do what YOU want, when you want to do it and don’t let anybody try and bloody well stop you. AND, furthermore, do not be tempted to fall for the bull$hit sob stories certain people will put on you to make you feel guilty. There is NO guilt in looking after your own wellbeing and spoiling yourself every now and again. It’s been far too long! Now go find your feel good factor and exploit it to the MAX! #NumeroUno

Aries

You fantasize about the festive parties you’re about to attend, but basically, your fantasies are bordering on dangerous sweetie! Your overactive imagination paints such a pretty picture whilst conjuring up the perfect party scenarios - which you SOOOO want to believe will come true - when really, what you need is a short, sharp reality check that brings you back down to earth, and far far away from the fairies and unicorns. You are not a character in a cheesy rom-com where you’ll be swept off your feet, or win the Christmas lotto, buying your dream house and travelling the world. Most likely, you’ll end up in bed, nursing a monumental hangover, hiding from the shameful display you put on at the office party which is now going viral on social media. #RealitySucks

Taurus

STOP rushing to commit. Just hold on and wait for ALL those party invitations to come in before making the all important decisions as to which engagements you will attend and which you will feign illness in order to swerve at any cost. STOP behaving like a Z-list celebrity, desperate for exposure and always ready, willing and able to go to the opening of an envelope! It’s so NOT a good look sweetie, when you need to be the elusive, much sought after party guest, and NOT the court jester brought in to amuse and entertain the masses with ridiculous behaviour befitting a tantrum-throwing toddler who’s already drained their advent calendar of its sickly sweet treats! #WeighUpYourOptionsCarefully

Gemini

You’re well-connected and, dare we say it, a bit of a power player. You have lots and lots and LOTS of opinions on just about EVERYTHING and boy do you want people to know about it. Whilst it’s good to be involved and to have an opinion, it doesn’t mean you have to ram it down people’s throats…that just makes you pushy and a teensy weensy bit of a bully. Bullies are frowned upon these days duckie, so buck up, shut the f**k up and perhaps keep those opinions to yourself! You may just about manage to retain some dignity and salvage a friendship group who don’t want to gag and muzzle you EVERY time they see you! #SometimesItsGoodNotToTalk

Cancer

It’s time to let down your walls a little…just a little. Just don’t go full on ‘influencer style’, boring people $hitless with the endless selfies, photographing and documenting every meal, every outfit choice and every little bloody thing you do during the day, updating your status on the hour EVERY hour! NO…if you find yourself being enticed down that slippery slope then for everyone’s sake, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, STEP AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE AND DISCONNECT THE WiFi. Believe us, you can be sociable and more approachable without the need to showcase your mundane life all over the internet. #NotEveryoneFindsYourLifeInteresting

Leo

Skip the small talk and dive right in. You can pussyfoot around delicate subjects and tricky situations all day long. However sweetie that is just a waste of your precious time and nothing ever gets bloody solved that way! So…put on your superhero pants and cape and deal with the problem properly, like a grownup, which means NO sulking, NO tantrums, NO manipulation and NO blackmailing people to get your own way. By having a proper conversation and behaving like an adult you’ll be shocked to know how much you can achieve without having to go to war, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. confrontation rears its ugly head. Or as the old adage goes: ‘Jaw jaw is better than war war’! #DiplomacyWorks

Virgo

You have been caught up in a conflict which has been rumbling on for many months, with close friends and loved ones urging you to put that conflict to bed so you can have a harmonious and happy festive season. Do you begrudgingly go along with it just to keep the peace, even though it is eating away at your insides? Or, do you say a big fat ‘bollocks to that’ continue the stand off through Christmas and renew and double your efforts for the new year ahead? Decisions, decisions, that only you can make. It’s just a question of how many people will you pi$$ off in the process and can you live with yourself and the consequences?!#HoHoHo

Libra

Those new health goals are about to go out the window and there’s absolutely NO point in kidding yourself either that you can stay strong and resist all the tempting treats filling up the supermarkets, food markets, and restaurants etc that are designed to make you fall off the wagon in spectacular style! So please don’t waste your precious time being precious. Get stuck in and enjoy ALL the festive treats on offer...in moderation of course, unless you want to start the new year in hiding, under voluminous clothing that could house a small family, until you find the willpower or indulge in emergency surgery to remove the unwanted spare tyre! #TisTheSeasonToIndulge

Scorpio

Things have been a little confusing on the romance front lately and as the festive ‘cuffing’ season looms, you can’t make up your mind whether you want to be attached or not! Attached means romantic dates, lavish gifts and that wonderful gooey feeling of being loved, wanted, desired and needed. OR….Unattached which means lots of days/nights out partying, being as wanton as you want, with NO strings attached and none of that sentimental bull$hit you can do without. Plus, you get to spend your money on fabulous outfits to make you look tantalizingly tempting with extra cash to splash on Christmas cocktails! To cuff, or not to cuff? That is the question… #SingleVersusRelationship