You’ve been hoisted off your pedestal and quite frankly sweetie it’s time to clamber back on it. Christmas is over and there’s no easy or polite way to say it, but you have got more than a little bit squishy around the edges; NOT to mention the fact that your lounge suit may have to be surgically removed from your body! It’s time to pull yourself together, stop nursing the empty Bailey’s bottle and banish the Ferrero Rocher! You need to retreat to the bathroom pronto! Luxuriate in a hot bath (we suggest candles and soothing music), reacquaint yourself with your makeup bag, and for the love of the fashion gods, put some decent attire on! And be warned - we don’t want to have to talk to you again like this for the rest of the year!!! #StartAsWeMeanToGoOn #NoMoreSlackGetBackOnTrack

Letting go is never easy. HOWEVER, it is a new year and time to leave all the crap back in 2017 where it belongs. You want to start the new year full of optimism and excitement. The possibilities are endless with the whole year stretched out in front of you, waiting to be filled with fun, building memories, realising dreams and LOTS of frivolity! 2018 is the year of the woman and you can have it all. You CAN have your cake and eat it (save it for your cheat day!), you can wear what you want (in the safety of your own home so no-one criticises you!) and you can say what you want (as long as you don’t say it on social media where as we know, the ramifications could be catastrophic!) #ItsAWomanThing #LifeIsAPieceOfCake

You feel very powerful as you enter the new year. It’s a fresh start and also time to take control of all that’s happening in your world, or at least your wardrobe! It’s a time for change, a time to be bold and daring, to try things and take risks and what better way to start than the imminent Fashion Weeks around the world? It’s time to embrace fashion - feel the fear - but do it anyway. Yes darlings; it’s time to throw complete caution to the wind and dress like a catwalk model! Go bonkers in PVC, embrace lace, festoon yourself in feathers - unleash your wild child side, but above all - have fun. After all, it’s only fashion - just remember the ‘rules’ - one trend at a time sweetie or you’ll end up looking like Edina Monsoon (Absolutely Fabulous) on a bad day! #ALittleFashionNeverKilledNobody

Don’t be in a rush to fill in the lengthy paperwork to join the latest gym that’s opened! Let’s be sensible here sweetie. That’s going to be a portion of your hard earned wages every month wasted on something you are NEVER going to use; not while you’re getting all the exercise you’re ever going to need on your daily shopping trips! Cardio is covered with all that speed walking around the shops, looking for the most coveted items and bagging those bargains! Stretching is covered what with trying on clothes in a dressing room designed by and for tiny children! And weight lifting is covered lugging those bulky, heavy shopping bags up and down the elevators! So to sum up darlings: Gym membership fees saved + Energetic shopping trips = Fit, fabulous and fashionable. RESULT! #WorkSmarterNotHarder #FigureItOut

It’s that time of year where you make lots of little ingenious plans, life changing decisions and good intentions. And as usual, the first two weeks of the year are taken up with notebook and pen purchases. Stationery fetish, much?! As you scribble away, plotting world domination and how you are going to be the best possible version of you in 2018, realisation strikes! Seriously. Who are you kidding?! This ‘new year, new me’ BS has got to stop! It’s a complete waste of time sweetie as you know full well that even with the best of intentions, any plans you make usually go t*ts up, so why bother?! Just enjoy each day as it comes, so live life to the full you Taurean bull! #PuttingTheFizzIntoPhysical!

The universe has been giving you mixed signals as you enter the new year, and so you begin 2018 in a state of confusion. Well sweetie, don’t go making any silly rash decisions, or you might live to regret them; and that simply won’t do. Just go with the flow and see where life and the new year takes you; and as long as it takes you in the direction of a fabulous new bar, serving cutting edge cocktails where you can show off like a peacock those amazing new clothes and accessories Santa brought you - then we have to say that you are on the right track. You won’t go far wrong in life when you’re well dressed and hydrated! #GoForthAndBeFabulous #GoWithTheFlowAndGlow

You bounce into 2018 like an over-excited child on a space hopper! This is your year! You have so many plans, so many ideas bubbling around in your head that you feel you may possibly explode with excitement. Well sweetie, don’t keep a lid on that enthusiasm - share it, bottle it, sell it even. There are way too many miserable sods in this world who are only too willing to sit there feeling miserable with no optimism for the future whatsoever. You know the type well?! The ones who don’t see nor feel the need to buy another pair of shoes “Exactly how many feet do you have?” “Well dear little Miss miserable we don’t need to buy any more shoes… We WANT to buy more shoes because they’re oh-so pretty and fabulous and they make us happy! Now go rig yourself up to an intravenous wine drip and don’t come back until you acquire some PMA (positive mental attitude).” Yours sincerely, xxx #DontRainOnMyParade #YouWontImpedeThisCentipede!

You start the year very much a work in progress after realising that you were on a path of destruction, when you woke up Boxing Day, drowning in a sea of Quality Street wrappers, belly bulging unflatteringly out of your burst zip and a dribble of melted chocolate running down your chin. Let’s be honest sweetie. You hit rock bottom. Now there is only one way to go and that is UP! You’ve realised you need help so you don’t go back to that delicious, yet dark place and you are determined to succeed. You need to take baby steps, take it one day at a time and join your nearest QS Anonymous ASAP. REMEMBER - you are only ever one green triangle away from falling off the wagon sweetie - so be mindful and cautious at all times! Don’t confuse ‘quality’ with ‘quantity’. Otherwise you WILL end up as the Big Purple One... #OnceAQSAddictAlwaysAQSAddict #QualityNotQuantity

After locking horns with most of your friends and family over the festive period, you have promised yourself that you will learn to be more tolerant of people going forward. You have questioned whether the problem is yours as you seem to bite people’s heads off for the smallest of irritations. Are you uptight, inconsiderate, aloof? Just don’t like people full stop?! OR do you surround yourself with life’s idiots, a**eholes and plonkers?! If it’s you - then sweetie you need to calm down, breathe and learn to be more tolerant (maybe try reading some self-help books whilst enjoying a soothing glass of something alco-frolic!). But if it’s them, not you, we strongly recommend getting some new friends and/or avoiding family at all costs, unless under the influence of some Zen-like meditation, fizz or laughing gas! Or all three!! #IfOnlyFizzWereMyFriendAndFamily #PlatitudeOrSolitude?

This year it’s time to stop being naive and a pushover. It’s time to grow a backbone and start standing up for yourself more. You don’t always have to be a people pleaser and you most certainly don’t have to be overly nice to people just to be accepted. If people don’t like you for who you are, then tough titty! You are wonderful sweetie and if people don’t see it, then they’re not really your type of people! You need to surround yourself with like-minded people. People who like shopping, fashion, Sex And The City (that one could be a deal breaker!), parties and martinis in all their magnificent glory. Now go have yourself a fabulous year! #LiveLifeToTheMax #KindredSpiritsAndTonic

You have been way too emotional lately to deal with people who, to be perfectly honest, have taken advantage of your generosity and sweet nature, and now my lovely, it has to stop! It’s time to put yourself first sweetie and regain some of the swagger that you’ve just simply lost. It’s time to pull on your ‘big girl’ pants and adopt that ‘I don’t take any sh*t’ mantra. Now we could send you off on a wild goose chase suggesting self-help books and retreats where you can ‘find yourself’ (which would be wasted on you, cynical Scorpio!). HOWEVER let’s get real here. We know that all any self-respecting scorpion ever needs to put a sting back in her tail to conquer the world, is a killer pair of shoes and a fabulous lipstick - preferably red! #LouboutinsAndLipstickNeverFailToPutAStingInTheTail!

Keep your eyes wide open as you enter the new year. Opportunities are EVERYWHERE and you don’t want to get caught out snoozing. Online retailers can be quite sneaky and they just pounce on you with tantalising ‘out of the blue offers’ which unfortunately can be too good to turn down! You don’t want to lose sleep because you’ve missed the offer of the century and fashion regret is one of the hardest things to get over - believe us - we know! We’ve felt the unbearable pain when we’ve missed a Burberry handbag with 50% off. Sometimes a gal can NEVER recover from such a devastating blow. So sweetie, please heed this warning and remain vigilant at ALL times. With so many shopping sites doing ‘free returns’ you’d be crazy to let those bargains slip through your fingers dahhhling. And it is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind! #BuyNowOrCryLater #SnoozeAndLose Or #BuyAndTry? #ReturnToSender