Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much…!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods – yes they do really exist – to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it – or ourselves – too seriously!
Pisces
Stop measuring your life against the made-up bull$hit you see on social media. The hourly updates by the usual suspects are as fake as the plonkers that post them. They want you to think they live picture-perfect lives and demand you take part in the fantasy world they’ve created. Well, f*ck em, sweetie. F*ck them, and their fabricated, fictional storytelling. It’s time to stop giving them the validation they require, which facilitates this nonsense! #EnoughIsEnough
Aries
Your imagination is running riot, so channel that creativity and put it to good use. The many projects that you’ve been putting off forever!? Well, it’s time to give them a proper go sweetie, and by that we mean not the usual fecking half-hearted attempts you usually make. You owe it to yourself to be fabulously successful, thus giving you the green light to flip the bird to all the Negative Nellies who love to revel in your failures. F*ck their lack of optimism in you. You’ve got this, Aries! #BelieveInYourself
Taurus
Your communication skills are completely lacking, your self-awareness is absolutely shocking, and your bullish behaviour is going to land you in a big fat pile of steaming doggy doodah unless you pull your fecking neck in, and stop acting like a tw@spangle! This time-sensitive warning does come from a good place sweetie because no one wants you to be ostracised by your nearest and dearest, who are sick to the back teeth of you throwing your weight around and spouting your bull$hit opinions like they are sacred words! #ThinkBeforeYouAct
Gemini
Stop being such a materialistic tw@! There’s so much more in life than coveting the latest designer handbag or trainers worn by the current influencer/celebrity who happens to be the flavour of the month. They’re paid to promote this stuff and are given it for free, whereas you’d probably need to stage a bank heist or donate your body to science; and once you start on this farcical, fantasy journey into narcissistic territory, you may as bloody well sell your soul to the devil! #MaterialismIsAnIdentityCrisis
Cancer
You have commitments, Cancer, and that doesn’t include indulging your travel bucket list by fecking off on holidays every other month. Yes, travel does indeed broaden the mind, however, you are depleting your savings account faster than the speed of sound, and the meagre funds you have got left aren’t enough to finance any more gallivanting around the globe in the near future, well not unless you want to be turfed out of your home without a pot to pi$$ in! Start accepting reality and living within your means! #GetYourHeadOutOfTheClouds
Leo
You may be struggling to understand the meaning of life due to the complete $hit show you exist in day in, day out, however, Leo, it’s time to cancel the pity party, stop wallowing, and FFS get rid of the “woe is me” persona, as quite frankly it’s fecking bugging the crap out of everyone who comes into contact with you. Only you have the power to change the trajectory your life is on, and now would be a good time to discover optimism before you end up friendless and miserable! #AlwaysLookOnTheBrightSideOfLife
Virgo
Focus on yourself for once instead of pandering to others, because you can bet your ar$e they will not reciprocate the same amount of attention and energy you give to helping them. When the chips are down for them, they expect you to fight their corner, but when it’s vice versa, they are fecking nowhere to be seen. In fact, it’s safe to say, you’d have to hunt them down and force them to lend a reluctant helping hand, and quite frankly, sweetie, you don’t need that calibre of friend in your life! #WithFriendsLikeThatWhoNeedsEnemies?
Libra
You’re stuck in a rut, Libra, and it’s driving you nuts, however, there is a way out. It requires you to be bold and brave in order to facilitate the change that’s drastically needed so your life goes from bloody boring and bland to f*cking fun and fabulous. Nobody is coming to rescue you from your mundane existence, so get up off your lazy ar$e and fill your pi$$-poor, empty social calendar with lots of activities and events that ensure a busy time with limitless opportunities lie ahead. #BanTheBoredom
Scorpio
Your contributions at home have gone completely unnoticed, so now you’re questioning why the feck did you bother in the first friggin place?! What was the point of giving up your precious time and working yourself to the point of exhaustion only for the ignorant tw@s to carry on as normal, oblivious to everything you have done! You can either fume silently and promise yourself you will never be that unappreciated again, or you can very vocally point out what you did and guilt those feckers into apologising big time #SpeakNowOrForeverHoldYourPeace
Sagittarius
You long to round up all the people in your life who cause you problems and blast the feckers into outer space where they can spend an eternity thinking about all the trouble and strife they brought! Unfortunately, unless you happen to have Elon Musk on speed dial, then these are just pipe dreams sweetie, so come back down to planet Earth and try and think up real solutions to rectify these irritating obstacles you need to overcome that actually have a legitimate chance of working! #BeRealistic
Capricorn
The time has come to switch off completely. Unplug yourself from the internet and focus instead on the important things, instead of worrying about the latest fads, who’s bonking whom, how to get rich quick, and all the other useless tosh that comes up on your social media feeds. Instead of doomscrolling, try reconnecting with Mother Nature and enjoying the simple pleasures in life, like going for a walk on the beach, in the forest, or by the lake. Take in the sights and sounds and marvel at the absence of all the bull$hit that usually meets your eyes and ears in the virtual world! #VirtualInsanity
Aquarius
Why do you worry so much about other people’s opinions? Stop giving a flying f*ck about what they say about you or anything else for that matter. It’s not as if they’re the all-knowing oracle! The only person’s opinion that is important is the one who stares back at you in the mirror! Everything else is just loud, overbearing noise and distraction, so perhaps buy a good set of noise-cancelling headphones to drown out all the unnecessary bull$hit flying around your head! #IgnoranceIsBliss