Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings and salutations my darling readers.
This month’s issue is inspired by Einstein’s widely-attributed quote:
“INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results!”
Now one must admit to being a tad guilty where this theory is concerned; however, going forward one will remedy this pathetic faux pas by being unapologetically bold and brave. It is time to change the way one thinks and acts in order to achieve the results one truly desires.
Speaking of desires, below is a little list of what one wants to change. Rest assured my fabulous friends, I will be implementing these changes ruthlessly and ASAP!
- When a man is bad in bed, why would you bother going back for more? What sane Lady wants limp, mediocre sex?! This Lady will no longer tolerate substandard hanky-panky – if the earth doesn’t move for moi, then the unfortunate fella will be kicked into touch and replaced by BOB (one’s Battery Operated Boyfriend).
- BOB not only has the ability to produce earth-shattering orga$ms EVERY SINGLE TIME, but ‘he’ also won’t lie, cheat, gaslight, or break your heart. No more narcissistic rich playboys for me, oh no siree! They are quite simply a waste of one’s expensive perfume! It’s time to break this destructive cycle of disappointment and find someone who can actually locate a lady’s erogenous zones without the need for a map or SatNav!
Sanity advice: Chin up, heels on, and remember: never settle for a man who needs a map….
- Arguing with Daddy! You could literally be talking about anything and, every single time without fail, the discussion escalates into an epic showdown. It inevitably results in him ranting on and on because, in his overinflated opinion, he is never bloody wrong! He can be such a cantankerous, pompous old fart at times, but his heart is in the right place – allegedly!
- And he does mean well, tho he does tend to open his mouth without thinking, and what comes out of it can, quite frankly, be utterly vicious! One just needs to tune out when one hears his voice bellowing. Perhaps we could crowdfund for voice box surgery? Can you imagine how much unnecessary suffering we could avoid if only he had a mute button fitted?!
Sanity Advice: When Daddy starts to bellow, one will get mellow, and reach for Limoncello…
- One has resignedly come to the conclusion that one will NEVER win an argument with Daddy, so what’s the bloody point of engaging! So, going forward, when it looks as if Daddy might lose the plot, one will take the moral high ground by acting like the only responsible adult in the room and retreat from the oncoming battle, thus avoiding total nuclear fallout! Heaven knows there’s enough of a real and present danger on THAT front these days!
Talking of battles… On a darker, ultimate-insanity-note: the world really does seem hell-bent on repeating the same bloody history lessons, racing toward conflict as if we haven’t already been here before in our own lifetime.
The cynics in our WhatsApp group can’t help but wonder if it’s the ultimate crass deflection – a desperate “look over there!” – so we’re not looking at the high-profile, pustulent payload of predators – aka those ‘frequent flyers’ who allegedly spent some time on a certain private island. Or as Mummy so sagely observed: “Whoever said ‘pigs might fly’, could never have predicted this list of airborne pustulence seeing the light of day!”
But I digress; one could spend all day dissecting the decay of the global stage and its ‘elite’; meanwhile, there are treacherous battles being fought much closer on the home front, specifically within one’s own social milieu.
- When a gal pal stabs you in the back, it begs the question: “why would you keep her in your inner circle allowing her to be privy to certain information giving her ammunition to attack you over and over again?”
- One has been the recipient of this callous, cowardly behaviour on many occasions and, to keep the peace within the ‘Glossy Posse’ (GLOP), one has reluctantly kept shtum even when one’s reputation was being unfairly dismantled. Now, having found fresh confidence from the soul-searching required for this month’s column, I am coming out, all guns blazing, ready to fight fire with fire. Come at me and you will get burned!
- A subtle warning for all those who know me: make sure you have checked that the information you’re about to share is 100% correct. Make damn sure that if you’re going to try and take me down, I will rise up stronger than you could have ever imagined. If you’re going to play dirty, get ready to be covered in mud, because you can never win playing dirty, karma is real and you reap what you sow. What goes around, comes around.
I, Lady P will stand my ground and defend myself. I will take no prisoners and never settle for a mediocre life; so cross this lady at your peril.
Well, my wonderful readers, that is what one will be doing to avoid going (even more) insane. I am no longer willing to settle for a quiet and drama-free life if it means sacrificing one’s spine and integrity.
Remember dahhhhlings: Stand up for yourself, be kind to yourself, and stay fierce. Keep your standards high, your secrets close, and your battery-operated backup fully charged!
Toodles darlings
P.S. Team Heaven gals
Far be it from me and GLOP to be controversial or political. However, certain further musings emerged from our group chat when I intimated that this column was on the subject of insanity…
We couldn’t help but glance across the pond at the Ginger Prince and his ‘Producer/Director’ consort. Now that the streaming channel’s axe has dropped – along with their social standing – it seems their trauma gravy train has stalled at the buffers. Between his High Court dramas and her unseemly lunges – demonstrating her sole, remarkable talent for locating any passing microphone – their ‘poor me’ schtick has worn more than a little thin. One wonders if her ‘friends’ will ever learn that this particular leopard only ever changes her camera angle, and not her spots…Anyway, I digress.
But then again, what would I know?! Although there’s another famous red-head – professional divorcée and palace-squatter #IYKYK – who has also been chewing up the headlines and never seems to learn their lesson either, whilst selling what’s left of their soul to any old bidder…
Perhaps our Posse merely possesses a healthy dose of scepticism and a good memory…Frankly, I’m bone-weary of these high-profile figures – whether they be that prematurely-retired ‘Royal’ put out to grass and his evicted ex, or predators in bespoke tailoring – who play God with people’s lives while their own moral compasses spin in the gutter. They’d gladly burn the house down to keep their sordid secrets from the light of day. Personally, I’d rather stick with BOB and a quiet-ish life… Ciao for now!