Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Pisces

You need to seek out the leak in your inner circle, plug it and then plug them in somewhere else! This is treachery of the highest level Pisces, so don’t stand for it! You neither need nor want people like that in your life, especially if they are privy to your confidential info, secrets and deepest desires. There is a certain criteria that needs to be met in order to curry favour with you sweetie and they include some words that proper grown-ups need to take on board such as integrity, honesty and loyalty. Perhaps if they adopted these practices on a more regular basis they wouldn’t be such frenemy f*ckwits! #KnowYourEnemy

Aries

Sometimes miracles do happen, every now and again, however, Aries do not be under any illusion that your life is going to miraculously get better just because you happen to believe in that bull$hit! REALITY CHECK incoming…Kids believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy but most folk know that these are mythical characters, made up by adults designed to manipulate naughty kids into behaving properly! Don’t get us wrong sweetie, it’s a bloody great tool to have in your arsenal when dealing with unruly children, but you’re not a child, tho still might be a tad unruly, but whatever, stop believing in whimsical nonsense and get your head back in the real world! #ToughLove

Taurus

You are the recipient of some rather juicy gossip but whatever you do Taurus - stay schtum! No matter how tempting it is to pass on this delicious discovery to others - please heed this warning and shut the f*ck up, as it will only lead to a spectacular fall out and you will end up being the villain of the piece no matter how it plays out! Even though knowledge is power, it’s best to park that tittle-tattle and stow it away in the deep dark recesses of your mind and forget about it. Well at least for now sweetie. Remember duckie…it can always be extracted if and when needed! #DitchTheDrama

Gemini

You need some space pronto Gemini before you explode. Everyone seems to be rubbing you up the wrong way and you’re becoming more agitated and pi$$ed off by the minute. So before you pass the point of no return and alienate your nearest and dearest by pulling an epic bitch fit then we strongly suggest you give people a wide berth and enjoy some alone time for some much-needed quiet contemplation, and a little rest and relaxation. There are many activities you can partake in to amuse and preoccupy yourself, and once you have finally calmed the f*ck down sweetie, you can re-enter the social scene and normal business can resume. #TimeOutRequired

Cancer

You long to be given the VIP treatment and yet, despite your incredible personality, brilliant ideas and an abundance of fabulousness, those around you don’t seem to understand or appreciate the impact this has when your sparkle rubs off on them. Bollocks to the whole lot of ‘em sweetie! You do you and when they eventually wake up and smell the bull$hit and mediocrity that monopolises their monotonous predictable lives, they will want to come running back, all fast and furious, begging to be doused with some of your dazzling dust in order to help make them shine. #ShineBrightLikeADiamond

Leo

Have a word with yourself Leo because this Groundhog Day scenario with you constantly feeling the need to explain yourself to all and sundry needs to stop right NOW! It’s your body and you can do whatever you want with it, and furthermore sweetie, it’s your mind which gives you the licence to think whatever the hell you want! So in a nutshell, whatever floats your boat has absolutely f*ck all to do with anyone else. Now that we’ve got that little problem sorted, everything else should be a breeze from here on in and zero f*cks should be given to anyone with the audacity to question you, or rain on your parade! #YouHaveControl

Virgo

You are between a rock and a hard place and whatever you decide, know this Virgo…you are going to pi$$ someone off, so forewarned is forearmed, be prepared, let’s get ready to rumble… yada, yada, yada. Our advice sweetie is to take cover, hide, and don’t come out until all parties involved have made a decision that doesn't require your input whatsoever. You need to be brave, you need to be strong, you need to be bloody (neutral) Switzerland, or if all else fails, ‘plead the fifth’! No matter how much others try to drag you into their bull$hit - remain resolute. You have rights, and more to the point, you have the right to remain silent! #StandYourGround

Libra

Your confidence is skyrocketing through the stratosphere. There’s no stopping you now Libra, that is unless you buckle under peer pressure by suddenly turning into a namby pamby, spineless wimp, kowtowing to the mob who want you to act and think a certain way. Their way. Well sweetie, f*ck that and f*ck them. You have your own mind and your opinions and under no certain terms do you give that up in order to please others and fit in with their warped ideology. Individuality is what makes us unique and you were born to stand out, not blend into a sea of yes wo(men). Freak or unique? Tomayto, tomahto…-#DontBeAfraidToBeYou

Scorpio

Stop dishing out unsolicited OTT advice like an agony aunt, because you’re coming over as an over-opinionated, self-righteous opportunistic know-it-all, constantly seeking adulation from your peers. You were secretly hoping they were going to sing your praises for this incredible selfless act when in reality sweetie, they are going to town on what a complete and utter interfering bellend you are! In order to stop being the butt of their endless jokes and jibes, take a step back, shut your piehole and only give advice when asked for it. Just don’t forget to use your loaf this time and learn to advise only when you’ve been asked to, and not before... #ItsNotAlwaysGoodToTalk

Sagittarius

Whatever you’re selling, people just don’t seem to want to buy it! You need to go back to the drawing board sweetie, take a more analytical approach and look at what the f*ck you are doing wrong. Once you have that eureka moment to work out why everything has been going tits up, only then you will be able to sort it out. Hopefully, sooner rather than later, otherwise sweetie, you’re going to be lonely and disillusioned with life and that could lead you down a dark path, ending with you giving into some rather naughty and destructive vices. Probably best to clear the house of any such temptations too whilst you’re on this voyage of self-discovery! #BePreparedForAllEventualities

Capricorn

You long to shake things up, and that can be a good thing Capricorn, but just proceed with caution as you don’t want to shake your life with so much force and vigour that it fizzes up and explodes all over you. A calm, normal life isn’t exactly your forte sweetie and things do tend to go Pete Tong, especially when your crazy shenanigans gather momentum and get a little bit out of control. So why not do a James Bond and just give life a gentle stir instead? Test the waters, so to speak, without muddying them too much, and if that works out ok without the usual $hit hitting the fan, then by all means, crack on and shake away. #ShakenOrStirred?

Aquarius

Your inner circle has been behaving most badly which has left you with a bad taste in your mouth and some tough decisions to make. Do you turn a blind eye and let them carry on even though you know that they’re behaving like total tw*ts, saying and doing things which are completely f*cking unacceptable?! Or.. do you call their $hit out, incurring their wrath, whilst possibly causing the mother of all arguments that may ultimately end up with your circle being blown apart?! The decision is entirely yours sweetie, so mull it over carefully and then whatever conclusion you come to - stick to your guns and own it! #MyLifeMyRules