Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Aries

Ignoring your problems doesn’t mean that they will magically disappear in a puff of smoke, so take your head out of the sand you big baby by starting to tackle and face your problems head on! You do have horns…remember? Aries the ram is supposed to have strength, boldness and courage. In a nutshell and putting it bluntly sweetie, with a not-so-gentle OR polite reminder - wo(man) the f*ck up and stop acting like a complete and utter spineless tw*t. You’re behaving more like the cowardly lion from The Wizard Of Oz and that does absolutely nothing for your street cred! #LetThoseProblemsKnowWhosBoss

Taurus

Stop being so bloody picky Taurus. Beggars can’t be choosers and your money pot is almost empty. Unfortunately, pay day is still a LONG way off and the pot will remain unreplenished until then, so in order to survive the rest of the month, get off your high horse, stop being a bloody food snob and live within your means. Having to swap Marks ‘n’ Sparks for Aldi isn’t some saintly sacrificial act - it's a necessity you twonk! Have a word with yourself sweetie and if that doesn’t work, get someone else to remind you - quite loudly - what a complete and utter bellend you are! #WelcomeToTheHungerGames

Gemini

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Those pesky little nasty buggers have been out in force with their bitchy comments and nasty behaviour, but rather than partake in their childish game with the endless tit-for-tat bollocks, maybe it’s time to launch a charm offensive and kill those fu*kers with kindness! They won’t be expecting that and won’t know how to react, what with you taking the wind out of their sails and rendering them helpless - and the BIG, FAT, JUICY BRUCIE BONUS is if they do retaliate sweetie, it will just show them up for the gutless bullies that they are! #ShockTactics

Cancer

A $hit storm is brewing - so brace yourself sweetie for the very messy fallout that will inevitably follow! Ten tonne of crap is about to rain down on you and, no matter how big a brolly you have ready to shield you from the downpour, it is not going to keep you from the torrential flood coming your way. The best advice would be to hunker down indoors and batten down the hatches to avoid complete annihilation. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO GO OUT even if the storm has been downgraded to storm category 1. Wait until it has completely subsided before you decide to raise your head above the parapet! #HeedThisWeatherWarning

Leo

Step outside your comfort zone like the brave lion you are and embrace every opportunity that comes your way, otherwise Leo, you run the risk of morphing into a boring old miserable f*cker, content to exist, rather than live. Life is full of adventures sweetie and you need to arrange the appropriate transportation and jump on board. You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, and live like it's heaven on earth. You only live once so give it absolutely everything you’ve got. Live life your way and give zero f*cks about what anybody else thinks. #MyLifeMyRules

Virgo

For the love of humanity - stop trying to ‘keep up with The Joneses’ on social media sweetie. It’s utterly embarrassing not to mention complete and utter bull$hit. Most people have come to the conclusion that every time you open your mouth, total tosh comes tumbling out, and your heavily filtered photos have garnered so much ridicule behind your back, this may lead to them setting up their own Facebook group, dedicated to analysing and ripping the pi$$ out of you so stop acting like a tw*t, rein in the silliness before it all goes terribly tits up and you end up as a national laughing stock! #YouPlonker

Libra

Are you ready to adopt an attitude which gives off the vibe ‘come at me with your worst because today f*ckwits, I am feeling invincible?!’ Now pair this with a big $hit-eating grin and together, this winning combination will see you through any problem or dilemma that has the audacity to dare cross your path. Sometimes, sweetie, it’s far easier to fight fire with fire and when you’re prepared for battle, then you have the necessary mental tools and brain capacity to deal with the inevitable crap - always available and on hand to be deployed as and when required! #AlwaysBePrepared

Scorpio

Don’t let people pi$$ all over your dreams. Maybe they are boring f*ckers who have no ambition in life, but you, on the other hand, have many desires, ideas and goals that you want to achieve. Your get-up-and-go attitude will give you the drive to succeed so fuel that tank with lots of enthusiasm, creativity and action and hopefully your vision will manifest. Celebrate all those achievements no matter how big or small a triumph they may be and don’t forget to rub in the noses of those feckless naysayers who shot you down, pooh-poohed your optimism and tried to rain on your parade. #ThinkBigDreamBigBelieveBig

Sagittarius

This month’s mantra is : there’s no such thing as too much! Go big or go home Sagittarius! Whatever your plans may be, think like McDonalds and SUPERSIZE the f*ck out of it! Who wants mediocrity when you can have fan-f*cking-tabulous?! With that thought in mind sweetie, it’s time to stimulate the grey matter so it’s firing on all cylinders, enabling you to go from concept to creation. Then get ready to dazzle kith and kin with your wild and wacky ideas that ensure fun times lie ahead for all concerned. Seize the day and enjoy life’s wild rollercoaster ride as you live life to the max! #GoAllOut

Capricorn

You need motivating pronto before you start wallowing in a pit of despair and you know where that leads to, don’t you sweetie? Before long you will be mooching on the sofa in pyjamas that have seen better days while you munch your way through endless piles of junk food washed down with intoxicating fizzy liquid that also happens to be hideously calorific, ultimately leaving you feeling befuddled and incapable, trying to navigate your way through the various stages of inebriation - ranging from tipsy, moderately drunk and disorderly, and all the way to absolute annihilation, ending up both pi$$ed up and pi$$ed off! #PreventativeMeasuresRequired

Aquarius

You’ve been bending the rules for some time now Aquarius and they’re about to catch up with you or should that say catch you out? Rules exist for a reason! Rules exist because when people don't follow them, people get hurt, and you don’t want to get hurt or hurt others, do you, sweetie? So it’s time to stop being a complete dickhead! Stop thinking you’re something special and above it all, with the rules not applying to you and start playing ball before you do irreparable damage to others. Once you’ve gained a bad reputation for being a total tw*t it’s very hard to shake off! #ActionsHaveConsequences

Pisces

Feeling meh? The solution to this is quite simple Pisces. STOP being such a miserable bar$tud and START having some fun. The only person holding you back and preventing that from happening is YOU! You get what you give to life and you have been giving zero f*cks out, so in return life has been serving you f*ck all back! To remedy this dilemma sweetie, it’s time to banish the doom and gloom and embrace the razzle dazzle. Pop on a pair of rose-tinted glasses and try to see the world in a different way. WARNING! Life will pass you by if you don’t grab every opportunity that comes your way! #GetBusyLiving