Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You’re not quite on the same page as everyone else as the new year begins sweetie, are you? While most folk are still knee deep in Quality Street wrappers and downing the dregs of the Bailey’s bottle, slumped on the sofa, eyes agog at the TV screen, you are already on a mission to make this your best year yet. That old Capricorn goat’s mind is working overtime on plans for a healthier, more fulfilled life, jam-packed with work, travel and party goals designed to keep you motivated and busy. Just steer clear of all the usual bull$hit and don’t get sucked into the drama created by your nearest and dearest, or frenemies for that matter... #KeepYourEyesOnThePrize
Boy are you glad to see the back of 2023 - what a complete and utter $hit show that was! However, it’s now time to say au revoir and put it well and truly behind you. No more soldiering on through turbulent and troubling times, and definitely no more putting up with other people’s crap. That ship has sailed - from now on Aquarius it’s onwards and upwards with a big $hit-eating grin on your face and a happy-go-lucky outlook on all aspects of your life; hopefully, that will inspire those around you to adopt the same attitude and stop being miserable f*ckwits. You don’t need that kind of negativity as you stride forth sweetie. #DontRainOnMyParade
You’re fighting a losing battle Pisces, and unfortunately for you all that leftover crappy festive food is winning the battle of your expanding waistline, as you have absolutely NO willpower whatsoever. No matter how hard you try, when those Ferrero Rocher tantalisingly beckon you to slowly unwrap their decadent golden foil wrapper and devour them whole, you completely buckle under the pressure, as if in a trance. They’ve cast their seductive spell over you, which is only broken when your tummy begs you to stop before it empties itself in the most unfortunate, unbecoming way. And let’s be honest here, doing a sprint to the bathroom, trying to hold on to your dignity and stomach or bowel contents, is not the most endearing or attractive of sights to start off the year with, is it sweetie?! #GreedyGuts
It’s time to abandon your partner(s) in crime - step forward gin, vodka, rum, in fact anything that happens to have an alcohol % sign printed on its label. They have been ‘assisting’ you on a downward spiral that has led to fruity language and bad behaviour, HOWEVER, please don’t use them as a scapegoat sweetie because you only have yourself to blame, and you alone. NOBODY is forcing copious amounts down your pipes. Wo/man up and take responsibility for your own pi$$ poor decisions and lack of discipline, which inevitably ends with serious consequences due to your never-ending embarrassing shenanigans! #DrinkResponsibly
Your creative juices are flowing freely and that’s a good thing Taurus as it finally replaces the free-flowing alcohol which has been consumed in abundance over the festive season, clouding your mind and leaving you with brain fog. Thankfully you have put the bottles and beer goggles down and normal service has resumed, with the grey matter slowly sobering up from its slumber. Finally you are compos mentis once more. Halle-bloody-Mary Berry-lujah! And now that you have rejoined us in the land of the living instead of being a fully paid-up member of the land of the perpetually pi$$ed, try being a tad more productive, eh duckie? #WakeyWakeyRiseAndShine
Stop living in La La Land and start paying attention to what’s going on around you; and by La La Land we mean social media, which happens to monopolise most of your time by sucking you into its vortex - and let’s be brutally honest here sweetie - it does you no good whatsoever getting caught up in all its madness, mischief and mayhem. You just don’t need that kinda crap in your life! Not now, not ever. The answer to your problem is quite simple. You need to detox - pronto! We strongly suggest you start weaning yourself off from this addictive cesspit by turning off your Wi-Fi connection for a few hours a day, EVERY day, and keep on going until your usage is back under control. #ReclaimYourLife
Your workload is completely overwhelming you because you have taken on far too much in your quest for a ‘new year, new you’ lifestyle which quite frankly is complete and utter horse $hit Cancer. What are you thinking? It is madness to continue along this path sweetie, because we all know that it will lead to you being totally f*cked up/off AND miserable. In turn, this will lead to you slipping back into ALL your bad habits, and then some, with you ending up back at square minus one! Why not try a more sustainable approach by trying to accomplish one thing/change at a time, no matter how modest, e.g. drinking an extra glass of water each day, or going to bed half an hour earlier. Slow and steady changes bring far more likelihood of success, and hopefully you’ll be running around a lot less like a mad unproductive fool achieving the sum total of sweet FA! #RomeWasntBuiltInADay
You found the festive season very draining Leo, especially when dealing with demanding relatives. They were needy leeches and pains in the arse, not to mention lazy and oblivious to how much they were expecting you to take on to exclusively facilitate their happiness. Thank f*ck Christmas comes but once a year, otherwise sweetie you would either end up in the knackers yard, completely exhausted; seeking counselling for the emotional toll the festivities have taken on you; or in custody for manslaughter. And don’t even mention the violent rampages in your head as you navigated the festive f*ckwits who had an uncanny knack of getting under your feet every time you ventured outside the front door! #NeverAgain_UntilNextTime…
Avoid triggering people with your OTT personality Virgo, because sometimes sweetie you can be a little bit too much. Just because the theme tune of your life is Zippity Doo Dah, it doesn’t mean that everyone around you shares in the happiness and optimism that you exude. Some folk can be right miserable barstuds and will gladly tell you to take your cheery outlook on life and shove it where the winter sun don’t shine. Give these people a wide berth sweetie, thus avoiding any ugly confrontational outbursts that will sap your happiness and leave you disillusioned. Instead, try seeking out like-minded individuals who share your sunny optimism and socialise with them instead! #BirdsOfAFeatherFlockTogether
You may end up regretting decisions made in haste Libra, so slow the f*ck down sweetie and don’t get carried away. Life is a marathon, not a sprint; there will be many hurdles along the way that may trip you up, and you don’t want to fall flat on your face - or your arse for that matter - do you? A bruised butt, face or ego are not the most desirable acquisitions, so proceed with caution Libra, it will stand you in good stead. Assess every situation. Make a pros and cons list. Ask for advice and when you have all the necessary information, then - and only then - make your decision. It will save a lot of headaches and help you save face! #FoolsRushIn
Don't allow others to kill your buzz or rain on your parade Scorpio. Just because they are miserable f*ckers doesn’t mean that you have to be. Life’s too short to be a boring old fart, moaning and groaning all the time, or criticising and bitching about everybody, especially behind their backs. It’s a new year and you are right to be optimistic, so make it a truly great one sweetie, chock-a–block with fun activities, lots of adventures and new opportunities. Bollocks to the doom and gloom brigade. Let them fester in the corner whilst you grab life by the balls and shake them - HARD! #DontWorryBeHappy
You need to keep your drunken party escapades hush hush sweetie for fear of causing your already fragile reputation even more damage, making it extremely difficult to recover from. Any witnesses to your ridiculous antics need to be brought onside with perhaps a little sweetener of a bribe or two...If that fails to work, then it’s time to send a threatening warning or even blackmail if absolutely necessary!! This needs to be deployed ASAP before rumours spread like wildfire. Once the genie is out of the bottle then it’s nigh on impossible to stick that $hit-stirring little minx back into it! Take control of this precarious situation, and pronto!! #KnowYourEnemy