With the festive season firmly behind you, you would have thought some quiet time would be just the ticket to help you recover and regenerate. However, the party lifestyle is calling out to you like a moth is drawn to a flame AND you simply adore being quite the social butterfly, don’t you Aquarius?! Cosy nights by the fire, snuggled on the sofa, watching a thrilling movie with a hot cup of cocoa are an absolute NO-GO. The mere thought of giving up a night boogying your butt off with fabulous friends whilst downing eclectic, exotic cocktails positively sends shivers running down your spine. You are on a mission and - with more than a passing nod to your New Year’s resolution to live life to the full - you will not stop until you bloody well drop! #IntravenousCaffeineRequired

Your performance levels have crashed and burned Pisces and an intervention is sorely needed to resurrect your energy back from borderline flatlining levels. To say your get up and go got up and pi$$ed off into the sunset is putting it mildly sweetie. So with that in mind, you need to refuel the tank with the good stuff. Out with the alcohol and in with the fruit ‘n’ veg juices. Kick the sugar to the kerb and park those stodgy meals in the back of the garage - try giving the salad or a semi-virtuous vegetable soup a whirl instead. Bready croutons optional! Drive those bad habits off the cliff then watch them smash and disintegrate into oblivion. That will be a load off your mind - and body - and will hopefully be the health kick start your year is desperately begging out for! #CutTheCrap

Bump your monthly to-do list up to the very top of your daily to-do list, and that way Aries you may actually get something done instead of achieving the sum total of f*ck all. AGAIN! We know you are the King/Queen of participating in useless activities instead of more important ones needed for life to run smoothly, but for the love of humanity - not to mention the sanity of your colleagues and your nearest and dearest - get up off your arse duckie and do something a bit more f*cking useful. You may even be delighted with the results, especially once the shock of actually doing something productive and meaningful wears off! #UselessOrUseful_TheDecisionIsYours

You’ve earned a night out Taurus, so please take the time to schedule one into your busy diary and celebrate all that you have achieved so far this year. Bravo sweetie, bravo! You started 2024 with all guns blazing and have shown the lazy barstuds of the world what it is like to have goals and - more importantly - how they CAN be achieved if you just put your mind to it! The time is right to toast your success and maybe flaunt your success a little. Just be mindful not to act like a complete numpty by over-advertising to the entire world just how fabulous you are. No-one likes a smug tw*t! #DialDownYourInnerShowOff

You have permission to put yourself first Gemini - fit your own oxygen mask so you can breathe and then - ONLY THEN - do you think about considering what everybody else wants, thinks or needs. It’s time to STOP giving a flying f*ck about what other people demand of and from you. Their childish tantrums and narcissistic neediness should not determine your agenda or monopolise your thoughts. It’s time to pull up the big girl/boy pants sweetie and then engage the reversing turbo thrust engines which drive you into operating as a pathetic pushover! For once in your life, act like the selfish numpties who normally inhabit your world and behave accordingly! #ItsAllAboutMe

Unfortunately, there’s no right answer for your current dilemma. Now you could try your usual decision-making process that never bloody works but hey ho, let’s give it a whirl and see if this time it actually bucks the trend. This is where you ponder how every single scenario plays out in your head - aka complete mind f*ck territory - leaving you so pi$$ed off and confused that your head spins violently, which is very reminiscent of a scene in The Exorcist and more than a little scary for those who have the misfortune to witness your outburst. When that fails sweetie you finally realise it’s a simple case of let’s suck it and see. Just don’t suck too hard for too long though, it can make your tongue fuzzy and your cheeks might pop! #WhenWillILearn

What’s so wrong with being you Leo? Don’t strive to be something you’re not and don’t capitulate to the nauseating airheads on social media, bleating the same old claptrap to the sheep who blindly follow. You’re above all of this bull$hit and nonsense sweetie. Be proud of who you are. Be proud of your uniqueness. But most of all, be proud of calling out these narcissistic numpties for the clueless f*ckwits that they really are. There’s more to life than pouting, posing, preening and being draped in designer clobber. F*ck the selfie brigade and all those who march with them. You march to the beat of your own drum! #IAmWhatIAm

Your life has become one giant cluster f*ck and there’s no point pretending otherwise. You are not an ostrich sweetie so do please drag your head out of the sand - PRONTO TONTO! You need to establish and implement a plan of action immediately before everything spirals out of control, leaving you running around like a headless chicken. The only feathered friend you need to be inspired by is the phoenix and adopt its superpower of regeneration. It’s time to rise from the ashes of your disastrous car crash life and start afresh. Become a born-again Virgo - get ready to take on new challenges and a whole new life. #LightMyFire

Life has become a succession of endless fizz-fuelled brunches leaving you with a big bloated belly, a fuzzy head and a near depleted bank account. Oh dear sweetie - what have you become? A lazy lush with no purpose in life other than a seat at the party central table with all the other wannabe celebs, full of self-importance and pretending life is cushty. What a sad, pathetic existence. Now would be an appropriate time to ditch the aspiring, ‘reality’ TV wannabe, influencer hangers-on and cultivate a new friendship group of real people, who do real work for a living, and actually live in the real world! #FickleFakeFriends

Get your flirt on sweetie and turn Chez Scorpio into seduction central - the number one destination on the singletons’ fun bus. You need to up your game and become desirable in ways you never imagined possible. That means grooming and appearance take centre stage rather than languishing in the pits. Turn that frown upside down and try rediscovering that sunny personality which quite frankly has been even more elusive than the actual bloody sun itself, which, if you happen to live in the UK, is currently MIA! Abandon your usual damp squib persona, add a touch of sparkle and embrace your inner va va voom. #FunSingleAndReadyToMingle

You’re worn out and a prime candidate for the knackers’ yard if you don’t slow down. Rest and relaxation are not dirty words sweetie, so give yourself a well-earned break and stop chastising yourself for not being productive 24/7. A diary chock-a-block full of chores and projects will only result in the inevitable crash and burn situation and that NEVER, EVER, ends well. Previous episodes of the sorry life sagas and dramas you continually create should serve as a warning - a cautionary tale that does NOT have a happy ending. Been there, done that and got the friggin’ T-shirt. Life isn’t always a fairytale but that doesn’t mean you constantly need to turn it into a bloody horror story. All work and no play makes you a defective, exhausted, non-functioning NUMPTY! #TruthHurts

Can you always have what your heart desires? Abso-friggin-lutely NOT! Who the f*ck do you think you are? Stop with that entitled $hit immediately before you’re faced with the inevitable disappointment when you finally wake up and smell the coffee. Or you incur the wrath of others by throwing a teenage strop of such epic proportions that, quite frankly sweetie, make you look like a complete and utter tw*t! And that is being polite! You have to work hard to get what you want and that is not achieved by sitting on your arse, head in the clouds, dreaming up fanciful ideas that you think will magically come true if you wish long and hard enough. #GetAGrip