The hottest topic in town: Hottie’s Menopause Manual
The hottest topic in town: Menopausal Hotties…
To squdge’ or ‘not to squdge’? That is the question…BUT what is the answer?
Tho’ just to back up a little, and in case you didn’t get the memo from this month’s Front Page, what on earth is a ‘squdge’? Well, according to Peter Pan-mad Emma, it’s a word she first encountered in the film Hook, and it means: ‘a cuddly combination of a squeeze and a hug’.
With those essential formalities and introductions out of the way, let us continue…
The best advice we can give to anyone about to squdge a peri/menopausal woman is, if you don’t want the bollocking of your life and/or end up in A&E, make sure you (risk) assess the situation properly!
Squdging advice for loved ones:
Approaching a ‘hottie’ rather has a similar potential of being in the vicinity of a bin collection lorry, which alerts its intentions to reverse to all and sundry by emitting a loud noise to stand well clear.
To put this into ‘hottie’ terms, it’s telling you, in a polite way, to proceed with caution or stay out of the f*cking way!
Outcomes include – being knocked over and/or needing medical assistance!
Now apply this valuable information to the hottie in your life and hopefully, all will end well. Apologies in advance if it goes t*ts up, but hey ho, it’s not rocket science and no two hotties EVER react the same way!
Before leaning in for a squdge, ALWAYS ask yourself these questions…
Is your hottie:
- Happy?
Yes = proceed with caution
No = proceed with caution
- Contemplative?
Yes = proceed with caution
No = proceed with caution
- Agitated?
Yes = back the f*ck away
No = proceed with caution
- Upset?
Yes = proceed with caution
No = proceed with caution
- Angry?
Yes = back the f*ck away
No = proceed with caution
Hopefully, you are starting to get the picture… ALWAYS PROCEED WITH CAUTION…however, if you are in any doubt… back the f*ck away!
A ‘happy hottie’ could be very welcoming of a squdge. It is good to be squdged, however, ALWAYS ASK FIRST, because you could be dealing with a ‘flashing hottie’! Or a hottie who is averse to having their personal space intruded upon.
A ‘flashing hottie’ can be very unpredictable, so check to ensure they aren’t flashing. This can be very easy to gauge. If they are in a frantic state of undress and the layers are flying off then one can assume they are in the midst of a hot flash, meaning they are pretty hot and bothered; so the very LAST thing they need on top of that infernal inferno, is you transferring your entire body heat onto an already boiling pot – this runs the HUGE risk of the pot boiling over and potentially erupting!
A ‘contemplative hottie’ could go either way as you have absolutely no idea what is going on in her head, so unless you have stellar mind-reading skills, our crystal ball says it’s best to deploy your diplomacy skills and PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION!
An ‘agitated hottie’ requires a more intelligent approach or the coward’s way out! Send a text message and await the answer. If the reply is cordial – proceed with caution, but if it contains foul language or rude emojis – back the f*ck away!
The ‘upset hottie’ requires the most delicate approach of all. Approach slowly, make no sudden movements, and above all else, don’t make any ridiculous comments! Be kind, be patient, be helpful, and be understanding. If your hottie answers that she’s ‘fine’, this is your cue to back the f*ck away!
And finally, if you’re daft and reckless enough to approach an ‘angry hottie’, then on your own head be it.
There is no predicting how an angry hottie will react, so to clarify for all the numpties… if in doubt…back the f*ck away until your ‘angry hottie’ isn’t angry – and then you can proceed with caution!
Don’t say you haven’t been warned!
To squdge or not to squdge?
Hopefully now you are that little bit more educated, so keep calm and follow the squdge protocol! Ignore it at your peril!!
