Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Virgo

You long to release all the pent up anger that has slowly been building over the last few weeks, and do you know what sweetie? Permission granted….It’s time to unleash the beast - in SPECTACULAR style. We’re not talking about any old teeny tiny tantrums, we’re talking epic and monumental explosions that leave you feeling exhilarated with a big $hit-eating grin on your face that simply refuses to move! Once this task has been successfully completed Virgo, normal business can resume until the time comes when this life- and sanity-saving exercise is desperately needed once more! #LetThePurgeBegin

Libra

You have been more than a little pi$$ed off with life lately and are ready to embark on a different path, whether people accept your decision or not! You are fed up with toeing the line, always being the one to compromise and - more often than not - treated like a general dogsbody. Well NO BLOODY MORE. No more being Mr(s) Nice Guy(Gal), oh no siree, that ship has well and truly sailed. From now on you’re going to do/say what you want, when you want, and f*ck everyone else! It’s time to be selfish Libra and to put yourself first. Stop being a namby pamby pushover, sit back, then watch how other people’s opinions of you drastically change. #MakeYourselfAPriority

Scorpio

So much for calm, cool and collected Scorpio. WTAF!? Your bad behaviour has just shot off the ‘I’m acting like a total tw*t scale’ and it’s time to reel it in before you make a complete and utter tool of yourself. If people are talking about you behind your back sweetie, you want it to be flattering, with words of admiration such as ‘wonderful’, ‘thoughtful’ and ‘helpful’. What you don’t want is them referring to you in unflattering terms such as ‘cockwomble’, ‘numpty’ or ‘f*ckwit’. That potty mouth of yours can either be a curse or a blessing, so let’s just hope for your sake - and reputation - that the latter wins through! #TimeToEmbraceZen

Sagittarius

You think you’re the one calling the shots, but honestly sweetie, you are being taken for one hell of a ride and you don’t even realise it. Wise the f*ck up pronto and try to claw back some semblance of dignity before you end up having to attend the next ‘I’m a gullible tw*t convention’ to fully realise just how much of a mug you’ve become. The time has come for you to stop being taken advantage of, ‘grow a pair’ and to become a far more assertive clued-up person. Take the rose-tinted glasses off and start seeing people for who they really are, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll stop falling for any old $hit that’s peddled your way! #WakeUpAndSmellTheCoffee

Capricorn

Let your imagination run wild and see where it takes you. It could lead to either one hell of an adventure, or, land you in a whole heap of doggy doodah, so proceed with trepidation and don’t completely throw caution - or anything else - to the wind! Having said that you old goat, it is acceptable to wander off the beaten track occasionally and do something different…Just remember to get back on the path so ‘normal’ life can resume and people don’t automatically jump to conclusions, thinking you’ve been possessed by some sort of destructive devil or switched sides by turning into a chupacabra, to lead you astray and turning you into a total menace! #ControlTheCrazy

Aquarius

Lately Aquarius you have started off every day with a great big dark thundery storm cloud hovering over you, raining down upon you a torrential $hit ton of self-destructive misery, drenching you in negativity! It’s time to blow that f*cker away by using brutal force if you have to. You don’t need that kind of crap in your life sweetie - so clear the skies above you and maybe install a colourful magical rainbow or two, alongside a big ball of yellow sunshine peeking through some fluffy white clouds. Banish the doom and gloom by sticking it in a box, locking it with your secret key, then hide that bad boy away, hopefully NEVER to be found again! #BanishTheBlues

Pisces

Don’t rely on your intuition alone Pisces…DO YOUR BLOODY HOMEWORK and research absolutely E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G that seems too good to be true because you know what? It probably is! If alarm bells sound in the vicinity of ‘iffy’ people, then for the love of your sanity and the possibility of being taken for a ride, heed the silent screaming warnings in your head and find out all the relevant information required before proceeding. AND if that includes crawling over their lives with a microscope, Sherlock Holmes style, then so be it. Don’t get caught with your pants down, metaphorically speaking of course! #ForewarnedIsForearmed

Aries

Patience is not your forte Aries and the big giveaway could quite possibly be the telling way that you charge at things! Let’s call it ‘ram-raging’ if you will. It’s not an attractive trait sweetie and people will grow weary of your ‘effing and jeffing’, not to mention throwing your weight around all over the place. Keep the temper tantrums low key and channel your inner Jedi by learning the art of mind control. Not only will others be more tolerant of you, but you will also find that existing in a much calmer environment is actually quite enjoyable, PLUS, you have the great big ‘Brucie Bonus’ of not constantly popping calming Kalms as if they are M&M’s! #BaskInTheAmbience

Taurus

You don’t have to do everything alone Taurus. It IS ok to ask for help. It doesn’t mean you are weak or incapable, but why the bloody hell do you have to work yourself into the ground just to prove a point?! Those old cliches like ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’, may seem ‘airy fairy’ bull$hit to you, however, they are ALWAYS proven to be true, which is why such ‘cliches’ have had so much traction through the ages! It’s time to be a little more humble, take the bullish tendencies down a notch, and then maybe, just maybe, you might even enjoy the help, the company and the camaraderie that comes with it. Learn to play nice sweetie and you will be rewarded not just with fun and laughter, but the job/task will get done too! #WhistleWhileYouWork

Gemini

PANIC ATTACK ALERT!!!! Suffering from the jitters Gemini? Are your stress levels about to be launched into the stratosphere with you unable to stop your emotions from messily exploding all over the place? Your anxiety is onboard a runaway train, heading for disaster-ville, and you need to slow down this train ASAP, otherwise you will crash and burn sweetie. First things first. BREATHE slowly until a normal rhythm is resumed and then - more importantly - calm the f*ck down! Remember sweetie, there are no problems that can’t be overcome with some rational thinking and a little help from others. #EveryProblemHasASolution

Cancer

As the saying goes Cancer - you learn from your mistakes, however sweetie, do you need to keep making quite so many? What gives? Are you a total numpty who can’t make it through an entire day without at least one f*ck-up?! It’s time to stop being a total twerp and try behaving like a normal grown-up human being, instead of racing around the place like a naughty toddler causing mischief, mayhem and madness, leaving a mess in your wanton wake! Throwing your toys out of the pram when things don’t quite go your way is totally unacceptable too! Not big, not clever. Pack it in and grow the f*ck up!! #TimeToJoinTheGrownUps

Leo

Your enthusiasm could do with a boost Leo. Not a gentle boost mind you! We’re talking about a giant friggin’ kick up the rear - propelling you off your backside and into action, PRONTO! Even though it feels as if your get up and go has already got up and gone, it’s never too late to drag it back and re-educate it, so instead of moaning and groaning about how $hit your lot in life is, maybe, just maybe, you start each day with optimism and a carefree attitude that allows you to see the potential good in everything rather than sucking the fun out of life and every possible scenario or offer that comes your way! #FunSponge