Lady P - October 2023
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings and salutations my darling readers! This month, the magazine is centred around myths and legends, so what, you may well ask, does little ol’ me have to say about this particular topic?
For those of you who know me well, or have loyally followed my column over the years, you will be well aware that, should I ever apply to be a contestant on Mastermind, that my specialist subject would be ‘men’!
It’s fair to say that one has sampled and savoured the smorgasbord of the male species in one’s quest to find one’s very own Prince Charming - the man, the myth, the legend - and probably even more elusive than the Loch Ness Monster!
If finding, tracking, and pinning down ‘Mr Right’ is your ‘thing’, then please be warned - this can be quite a monumental task - you need stamina, determination, and perseverance to stay the course for this quest! Thankfully, one has all three qualities in abundance.
Now how exactly does one go about finding this mythical creature, Prince Charming, I hear you ask?
Well, the Dita of old would have advised you to call in favours from your inner circle, with access to those in high up positions in the worlds of finance and banking; then proceed to get them well lubricated to help loosen their lips in the hope they’d divulge potential suitors’ financial credentials, such as whose wallet would pack a punch, to help sustain this gal in the lifestyle that she had become accustomed to…
I can guess what you’re thinking. Cold and callous I know, however, back then this ‘gal had to do what a gal had to do’ to survive in the cut-throat world of vacuous, talentless, pampered, clueless trust fund brats and nepo babies masquerading as fashionistas and influencers!
Yes I, Lady P, was once part of that crowd of deluded airheads who knew nothing about working for a living, or taking pride in earning one’s own money to pay their way in life! Fast forward a few years of working hard on this magazine, with the most darling eclectic team, one now has a totally new outlook on life and love! Don’t fret darlings - I’ve not succumbed to a ‘live laugh love’ sign for one’s work studio! I’ve not changed that much!
Anyhow, I digress…
This new and improved Dita - who I daresay has finally grown up - would advise you to STOP looking for this mythical creature of so-called ‘perfection’.
Instead, she would encourage you to ask yourself “what is your definition of Prince Charming?” If you don’t believe that you deserve a prince, how will you even recognise him, if you don’t know what ‘princely’ qualities it is that you desire? I mean you only have to look at me and learn from my past, biggest mistake. I ‘fell’ for the ginger prince, most probably blinded by his title, only to discover that all that glitters is most definitely NOT gold. #WhingeAndCringe
When faced with such a smorgasbord of ‘specimens’ to choose from, it simply boils down to personal choice and taste. No harm in having a little of what you fancy, but over time, our tastes and preferences will ideally refine, as we become that much more discerning.
If you’re looking for a bad boy because you believe they're dangerous and more fun, and you like living on the edge, then don’t be too surprised or upset when your bad boy behaves… badly and, treats you badly!
On the other hand, if you’re looking for Mr Nice & Steady, then don’t get frustrated when he doesn’t wine and dine you, come home with sexy lingerie, or throw you down on the bed and make passionate love to you for hours on end. Then again, one’s getting a bit flustered and hot under the collar, thinking back to that rather ‘nice boy’ Mark Darcy…
Bridget Jones: “Wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that.”
Mark Darcy: Oh, yes, they f*cking do.”
What you need to be looking for is someone who makes you laugh, who you can talk to, who makes you feel safe, who makes you feel sexy and desirable, who supports you, who makes you feel like you can achieve anything and everything and most importantly, someone who treats you like his equal. Does this romantic ‘unicorn’** even exist?
**Unicorn - Uh oh!! Turns out that there is more than one definition of this if the Urban Dic is to be believed!!! Thank goodness the glossy posse has my back to point out these potentially profane pitfalls…
MY Unicorn definition is: ‘that one-of-a-kind person with all of those important (to you) qualities, wrapped up in one package’. Mind how you go now my wannabe lovebirds, it’s a linguistic minefield out there!
Unusually for me, I digress. Whoopsie…Anyhow.
It doesn't matter if his wallet is bulging or not, just as long as his pants are! I don’t want to sound hypocritical by body- or ‘sausage-shaming’, but take it from one who knows - no matter how otherwise perfect and charming he is, one has learnt the hard way, if you’ll pardon the pun. If he’s ‘hung like a hamster’, alas, he does sadly have a limited shelf life when drawing up my princely definitions…
For the record, I fell in love with his intelligence and quick-witted personality, alas, the whole package - so to speak - wasn’t quite all there. Conversely, I also dated a pretty banker boy, whose trouser contents matched that of his wallet. Sadly, despite being ‘well-endowed’, the chap was utterly clueless where matters of the boudoir were concerned. However, both of these encounters have helped me understand what is important to me and made me that bit more discerning. Please don’t judge me. I’m not made of wood!
And whilst we’re talking about wood. Remember how the aristocratic Rose DeWitt-Bukater fell in love with penniless artist Jack Dawson on RMS Titanic and was prepared to give up her place in society and her mega rich fiancé for love, such was the passion and connection between them?
However, one would like to take this opportunity to state for the record, categorically once and for all that - there was room on that door, for both of them! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know it’s a fictional story, but if true love does conquer all, then you don’t bloody well abandon the love of your life and soulmate in the water to freeze to bloody death!
Anyway, I digress…
Where to find your Prince Charming?
Who the hell knows? If I could answer that, one would be in hot(ter) demand AND be making a fortune to boot! All I can advise is to STOP LOOKING. It’s incredible how much emotional ‘energy’ gets freed up once one simply ‘stops’! I have been getting out and about far more in nature, as I’ve discerned that one likes a rather rugged, outdoorsy kind of chap, capable, and ‘good with his hands’. So who knows where these outdoor expeditions will lead?!
I recall one of my gal pals swooning over a naval officer, who - for whatever reason - had explained what to do in the event of a helicopter crash landing at sea. “Ooooh Dita - I just LOVE a man who knows things. It’s so incredibly sexy.” Quite!! You see. There is little rhyme or reason as to what floats our boat when it comes to matters of the heart, or other parts of our bodies…
In closing, this incurable, incorrigible romantic believes in fate; that there is someone out there for each and every one of us; and that we will meet them when we’re least expecting it.
As my great-great aunt Hester once opined, “every pot has its lid”. I do know that this bon mot gave great comfort to my ‘hamster’ chap, and that there would be a ‘pencil sharpener’, so to speak, somewhere out there for his - ahem - ‘pencil’. It’s such a shame that only my mind was stimulated, otherwise we would have been a match made in heaven…
So have faith my darling readers and one day I promise you, your Prince will come - hopefully again and again...
Meanwhile, have fun sampling the smorgasbord!
Mwahh for now,
Tags: Lady P