Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You’re pushing people’s buttons Libra, and if you’re not careful and press too hard then you run the risk of tempers flaring; end result? Retaliation which may include harsh words, hurty words, shouty words, naughty, sweary, x-rated words, all of which could reach a crescendo of over-the-top threatening words! If this level of fury and vitriol is reached or breached, we strongly advise a ‘swift exit, stage left’, or right, or any other direction which has you vacating the area immediately! Hopefully you will reflect on your actions, act accordingly, and in future, learn to just shut the f*ck up and engage the brain before opening that gob of yours! #PreventionIsBetterThanCure
You’re in desperate need of an edit button Scorpio, especially in cyberspace where you seem to keep putting the metaphorical foot in the mouth. Your posts leave an awful lot to be desired! Have you been honing your skills by taking extra lessons in how to pi$$ people off with your undesirable opinions and outlook on life, combined with your questionable sense of humour?! Not to mention your complete annihilation of the English language!! AND don’t even get us started on your abysmal writing skills, atrocious spelling mistakes, and the shocking use/lack of punctuation - did you not pay attention in class or have you just become a lazy git and given up the ghost?! #TimeToGoBackToSchool
You are being taken for a fool by fake, fickle ‘friends’ Sagittarius and it has got to stop. NOW! It’s time to dispense with the gullible tw*t aura around you as it can be an invitation to those who wish to take advantage of your good nature and want to manipulate you for their own perverse greedy pleasure. No more placating people or being a pathetic pushover. It’s time to grow a pair and start standing up for yourself AND standing up to others. Perfect the art of saying NO, then swiftly learn to upgrade that ‘no’ to a big n bold ‘F*CK OFF’ should the situation require it! #GrowABackBone
Partying hard again Capricorn? Don’t you ever learn sweetie? The phrase ‘everything in moderation’ needs to be memorised and spoken out loud like the mantra that it is. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Cement it in your mind and recite religiously as part of your daily routine. Slacking off from this essential life hack may put you in precarious situations, leading to reputational damage ‘thanks’ to a lack of discipline, resulting in bad behaviour, e.g. doing and saying stupid bloody things, becoming embarrassing gossip fodder, and ending up as the butt of insulting and not-so-nice jokes! #StopLearningTheHardWay
Free your mind Aquarius by not listening to, and believing in, all the bull$hit and propaganda being broadcast every day, and brainwashing you; and the really sad part is that you don’t even realise it’s happening. You’re so caught up with silly game shows, reality telly, and doing the wokey cokey on social media, that you don’t even notice what is really going on around the world. Take a digital detox: quit the misinformation and doomscrolling, get your head out of your arse pronto, give it a wobble and hopefully this sanity-saving exercise will put you back on the right path, where you learn to question EVERYTHING and to form your own opinions, based on cold hard facts and reality, rather than your (temporary) feelings or downright bloody fantasy and fiction spewed out by ill-informed numpties! #TimeToWakeUp
What the f*ck is going on with you Pisces? Have you had a recent personality transplant, because you are most definitely NOT behaving in a manner befitting your usual happy-go-lucky persona?! You haven’t just thrown caution to the wind - you’ve turned into a human hurricane which is destroying everything in its path. It’s time to change the weather forecast from ‘storm force’, to ‘calm and sunny’. Maybe it’s time to chill out and focus on the good things in life instead of constantly wanting or needing to cause carnage - you may be pleasantly surprised sweetie to find out you do actually enjoy living a stress-free life. Don’t take our word for it! #DontWorryBeHappy
You need to find balance Aries and stop being so extreme. There has to be good and bad, light and shade, Yin and Yang. However, when things do go wrong you don’t have to completely wallow in self-pity with the ‘woe is me’, all doom and gloom attitude. And then, at the other end of the scale, if things are going well, you don’t need to go completely over the top by celebrating and partying, whooping like a hyena, or behave like a naughty adolescent who’s drunk on cheap plonk! You can have fun without being a tw*t, and you can solve problems without being a tw*t. Moral of the story? Don’t be a tw*t! #ZenAsF*ck
You don’t have to go cold turkey on all the naughty stuff you’ve been consuming lately, however sweetie, you do need to calm down a tad before you end up with the following scenarios. Bursting out of your clothes, or having elasticated waists sewn in. Being booked into a ‘health spa’, ahem, cough cough…for a not so little detox and to restore some calm and normality to your hectic, hedonistic life. A little of what you fancy does you good, but a lot of what you fancy can make you a greedy, sloppy, messy slob! Heed this health warning Taurus - it’s not bull$hit - it’s common sense! #NiceAndNaughty
You have been neglecting your glamorous side for some time. Has it been having forty winks, or is it in a permanent slumber!? Well Gemini, it’s time to wake it up and shake it up as you need to get out of your self-imposed fashion slump, bin those comfies, and get your glam back on. How you dress impacts how you feel. If you dress like a slob, then you’re gonna feel like a slob; but if you dress like a star sweetie, then you’ll feel like a star! And who doesn't want to shine?! Give everyone a timely, bold reminder of your stylish credentials and return to the land of the fab and the fashionable! #ReturnOfTheFashionista
You’re feeling more than a little unfit and you know your healthy lifestyle has taken a bit of a battering of late, however, no matter how sluggish and $hitty you feel, you cannot muster up the strength - mentally and physically - to resurrect your gym membership from the depths of “who the f*ck knows where you buried it”?! Pay attention Cancer!!! There are many ways to get fit that don’t involve the gym - some conventional, others a bit/lot more novel or experimental than others! F1 Legend, the late James Hunt, favoured ‘Sex - The Breakfast Of Champions’! Find a fitness regime that works for YOU and go with the flow! Then glow… #VarietyIsTheSpiceOfLife
You need to fill up the tank with lots of fruit and vegetables, washed down with gallons of water to feel your best, however, that’s easier said than done, especially when you happen to be a lazy lion who’s become stuck in ‘f*ck it’ mode! All you want to do is eat crap, drink the naughty juice, and sit on your arse watching telly! The choice is yours sweetie, and nobody in their right mind would dare to question or criticise the head honcho of the jungle. But Leo - and it is a big BUT - don’t behave like a butthead else your butt will become an even bigger butt - leaving you the butt of many jokes. Not gonna lie, but… #ILikeBigButts
To everyone else, it looks as though you’re having a ball, but deep down you are extremely miserable and feeling a bit of a fraud. You fear that you’ll let friends and family down if you don’t adopt the party persona, but it’s time to live your life the way YOU want to, and not just to please others. Realistically Virgo, it’s not as if you’re going to get arrested by the Fun Police if you don’t socialise every weekend. You are allowed your own space to do what you want, how you want, when you want, and where! And if that’s not ok with your nearest and dearest - then stuff ‘em! Fix your own happiness first! #SelfCareIsNotSelfish