Will you stop trying to convince people to like you? F*ck them, and f*ck what they think!! You don’t need to be the most popular person on the planet sweetie, indulging a plethora of fickle friends - and we use the term ‘friends’ verrrry loosely - who gossip and bitch about you, or stab you in the back like smiling assassins when you least expect it! What you do need is a circle of friends and family, who love and support you for who you are rather than those that manipulate you, maximising their use of you, AND exploiting what you bring to the table by making sure that it will ultimately only benefit them, and them only! #QualityNotQuantity #CircleOfTrust

You need to be absolutely sure before you relegate any potential suitors to the friend zone, because sweetie, it’s becoming rather full AND before too long, you’re going to be left with uber slim pickings! Don’t be too quick to judge and discard. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and you can be a cynical old git at the best/worst of times sweetie! So whilst we heartily agree that there may be many pros and cons to loving blindly, or having zero trust in someone, you really do need to start giving people the benefit of the doubt. However, this does not include letting them take the pi$$, lying to your face, or walking all over you! #DecisionsDecisions

You seek permission to mix business with pleasure, however, BLOODY BIG WARNING!!! Proceed with caution sweetie, especially if alcohol is involved. Getting swept away in the fun atmosphere that the ‘liquid naughty stuff’ creates can - and probably will - lead to a serious lapse in judgement. It will either be ending with - if you’re lucky - just a teeny tiny indiscretion, or - if you’re more than a tad unfortunate/reckless - a cockup of mammoth proportions leaving you in the unenviable position of being the MAIN subject of office gossip for the foreseeable future, until such time, someone else takes over the “Aaaaghhh, OMG, I behaved like a right numpty, I’m never drinking again” reins! #AlcoholIsTheDevilsWater

You are looking for love in ALL the wrong places. Seriously sweetie, get the f*ck off social media and all other pointless apps, and - for the love of humanity and your sanity - try meeting someone the good old, old-fashioned way. Yep. That’s right. IN THE FLESH! For starters, you actually get to see what the person really looks like and not some digitally remastered photo that has absolutely NO resemblance whatsoever to the person in it! Nobody wants to be catfished and who, in this day and age, has the time for bull$hitters and deluded liars?! It’s a no-brainer Aquarius. Get out in the real world and meet real people - perhaps you might find a real connection and real love. #StopLivingInAFantasyWorld #KeepItReal

You crave privacy Pisces and your greatest wish in life would be for people to just f*ck off and mind their own bloody business #TooMuch?! Unfortunately sweetie, that's just life and humans can be nosy buggars at the best of times, always wanting to know what’s going on in other people’s lives rather than focusing on their own. Just suck it up buttercup, take calming deep breaths, and be strong and firm. Keep them at arm’s length and don’t volunteer information about yourself that they can use later to judge you, attack you, or even blackmail you with! Knowledge is power and the less they know - the less they have as ammunition! #TittleTattlers

Does love conquer all? You have been repeatedly asking yourself this question of late Aries, yet still you have no f*cking clue as to what the answer is. Logically and realistically you know that love can't conquer problems such as bankruptcy, unemployment, homelessness, dealing with pain etc. You know what we mean: proper, real life problems! So maybe, just maybe, the lovey-dovey, simpering #BeKind brigade who live in la-la land should try to keep their airy-fairy claptrap to themselves and perhaps just try living in the real world for once, because quite frankly sweetie, you’ve heard enough of their mind-numbing, soul-sapping bull$hit to sink a friggin’ battleship! #BloodyDoGooders #RealityCheck

You’re in dire need of a massage and NO, we are not talking about the ‘happy ending’ variety either Taurus! You have a febrile imagination at the best/worst of times and we need to take your marvellously mucky mind (briefly) away from the naughty fantasies you keep conjuring up; so give your head a wobble and let’s get you back to reality, PRONTO! We’re talking about a relaxing, therapeutic massage for your knackered body as well as your wandering mind. Relieve the muscle pain and tension, especially in that big old brain of yours - it’s been working overtime lately sweetie AND you could do with offloading all the bat$hit crazy stuff that’s been festering and fermenting in there! #$hitForBrainsBeGone

Your touchy-feely personality could land you in deep doggy doo-dah Gemini, so proceeding with caution is absolutely essential with people you don’t know well, whom may take great offence with your over-familiarity! This could result in a verbal bollocking or - worst case scenario - a short sharp slap to the face, which is not only unpleasant, but bloody well hurts your face along with your feelings and pride, leaving the mother of all red handprints on one’s visage! Not something the Gemini twin wants, even if there are two faces to pick on! Now listen up buttercup - this is the perfect time to take a selfie to remind yourself to NEVER act like this again. Nobody wants to be slapped then papped. It's long overdue and now time for a ‘meet & greet, how to win & keep friends refresher course’. #OldHabitsDieHard #PlayNice

Deep down Cancer you know you should be exercising and eating healthy yada, yada, yada… however, that devilish little voice inside your head is encouraging you to stay curled up on the couch with a large bottle of plonk and a spectacular selection of naughty but nice treats to help sustain you through ANOTHER marathon box-set on the telly. You try to talk yourself into getting up and venturing out for a walk, but resistance is futile sweetie - especially when the weather is so dark, damp and gloomy. But then you have that brilliant lightbulb moment…you can’t possibly leave the house otherwise you’ll miss the pizza delivery you ordered during the last ad break! Note to self - it is far cheaper if you collect - so if you are going to indulge again, maybe do your wallet and your steadily expanding arse a favour by walking there to build up a well-deserved appetite! #SavedByTheBell #NotTacoBell

After some long overdue rest and relaxation - or in layman's terms, a much needed detox on the QT! - you are once again sober and r(o)aring to go! The Leo lion is about to roar and return to the social scene with a comeback that would make Rocky blush, much to the delight of your nearest and dearest who have missed your party antics! Proceed with CAUTION!!! Just take it easy and learn from past mistakes as you don’t want to crash and burn again quite so soon. You can have fun and be entertaining without the need to go completely OTT on the alcohol. Furthermore sweetie, you don’t always have to take on the role of the court f*cking jester! Let someone else have the spotlight and make a t*t of themselves!! #LiveLearnAndDontRepeat

You have form when it comes to the mantra ‘shop til you drop’, but if you don’t curb this destructive pastime soon sweetie, you’re going to get a message from the Bank Manager and credit agencies, and it won’t be a nice one, inviting you to spend (even) more; it will be the kind that invites you in so that they can tear you a new one, in person!! You are falling into a dangerous trap which swiftly leads into the uber scary world of debt. Friendly word of advice: stay off social media and STOP buying $hit you don’t need from airhead influencers - they are paid handsomely to tell you to buy $hit you don’t need! It’s time to get a f*cking grip Virgo, grow up and start living YOUR life within YOUR means! #ThinkBeforeYouSpend

All eyes are on you in the run up to the festive season. You have the canny ability to find the most fabulous Christmas party outfits and the most thoughtful gifts. Some will want to take inspiration from previous years gone by, however, be careful of the ones who will want to pilfer your best, latest ideas and try to rain on your parade! Be secretive and conduct each shopping session like a military operation by going it alone. If you are shopping online don’t leave your phone or any other device unattended - you just don’t know the depths these sneaky little gits will sink to, to discover and steal your most valuable and sought after sources. #BewareOfShoppingSpies