Lady P - November 2023
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
These dark winter evenings are playing havoc with one’s imagination, I can tell you!! Can you imagine being offered a magic potion that would not only halt the ageing process, but would reverse it AND make you immortal?!
What a dilemma darlings…
Would you capriciously throw caution to the wind by downing that tantalising tincture without a second thought nor care in the world in your quest and unquenchable thirst for eternal life, and with your eyes blinded by the lure of a dazzling prize - forever young and eternal youth?!?
Or, would you be methodical and logical in your approach, by challenging and analysing this issue's pressing question:
“Who wants to live forever?”
Well my darlings, not little ol’ moi!
Gasps all round I hear you cry!! Now I know you may find my response a tad unexpected and strange, moreso as you probably think that this glitzy gal would like nothing more than to party eternally, especially after one’s little sojourn to the cryogenic facility last year! However, one has significantly grown emotionally, and matured to such an extent, that Daddy has pronounced that I am no longer “a brainless airhead mooching off his money with nothing much to offer the world”.
Once upon a time, that statement and sentiment by Daddy would have inflicted enormously painful wounds, leaving one so shocked and distraught, that nothing less than a month’s long visit to a health spa would have been essential, followed by a shopping trip to Bond Street to boost one’s sagging spirits after the fallout from the inevitable tantrums his verbal barbs would provoke! On a side note tho, it does explain Daddy’s disproportionate Freudian attachment to his Barbour hunting jacket - he definitely puts the ‘barb’ into Barbour does dear old Daddy’!
These days one is proud to say that Daddy no longer lets such nasty quips slip from his lips, because in all honesty, one is a truly reformed character; well, almost, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!
I, Lady P, am no longer a clueless, spoilt, trust fund brat. And those are my words, nobody else’s! I am a woman of the world, an industrious, resourceful woman who funds her own fabulous lifestyle. A woman who believes in herself and can do anything she puts her mind to. The world is one’s oyster, with pearls a’plenty. And not just necklaces…
Anyway, I digress…
Back to immortality!
This issue is inspired by the film Death Becomes Her which follows the funny yet flailing (and - spoiler alert - failing) exploits of two women, played by true Hollywood royalty: Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn. They are both desperate to turn back the hands of time to get one up on each other in their fight over a man (played by Bruce Willis)!
Now really my darling readers, can anyone be that special that it would necessitate an all-out war by trying to dangerously defy and ‘outrun’ the ageing process?!
I think it can be agreed that most of us want to look young and fabulous for as long as humanly possible, and to be forever desirable, but be careful what you wish for! These ladies learn - to their cost - that with such power also comes great responsibility.
Neither of them looks after themselves nor their bodies, resulting in their falling apart, requiring increasing amounts of spray paint, glue, tape and all other manner of DIY products to patch themselves up, before literally turning into the living dead!
The film is a must watch my fabulous readers - great fun but more importantly, very educational! It’s a cautionary tale that serves as a warning to be VERY careful with just how far we are willing to go in the pursuit of eternal youth.
Now let’s take a brief timeout to reflect on this possibility. Can you imagine how tedious living forever would become? It would be both physically and mentally exhausting!
For starters, you would have to constantly work in order to earn money, unless of course you have a sound financial adviser like DWJ in your corner! There would be no retirement fund as you wouldn’t ever grow old (and die)! One imagines it would be akin to being trapped on a hamster wheel, going round and around with no hope or ability to get off it.
Eat, work, party, sleep… repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat… F.O.R.E.V.E.R.
Next up, we need to address the elephant in the room: the fact that after a decade, or maybe two at a stretch, you would need to disappear from your old life in order to keep your immortality a secret - which is a key stipulation in the terms and conditions! Does such impending loneliness and a loss of shared history really hold that much appeal my darlings?
More importantly my darling readers, what if your nearest and dearest didn’t want to take the potion? Or couldn’t due to financial reasons? Or the potion is so exclusive, and only available to a select few? Other pressing questions needing an answer would include:
- What is the eligibility criteria?
- Do ‘they’ require references?
- Are credit cards or cash accepted, or are there other, more sinister forms of payment required? I’d have sold my soul back in the day for an exquisite handbag, but this new improved Dita…
- Would there be a payment plan option?
- What would the interest rate be?
Eeeek! You can tell one’s been reading the financial pages in recent months, in one’s desire for self-improvement and self-sufficiency!! Thanks and a big shoutout to Ms Watts-Jones for being such a positive influence!
Apart from the ‘secret’ clause - what else would form part of their terms & conditions?! It’s not as if you can have a cooling off period, because once you’ve drunk that potion, there is no going back!
It would probably end up being a very lonely and sad existence, super hard work, with constant maintenance required.
Actually, the more one thinks about it, even more questions are raised, to which one doesn’t have any answers!
Quite frankly my darlings, these mental gymnastics have left one more than a little discombobulated and fatigued. On that note, I’m off to open a bottle of bubbles, bid you adieu, and listen to the spectacular lyrics of these two musical gems one has had on repeat whilst writing this month’s column!
Queen ~ Who Wants to Live Forever
Alphaville ~ Forever Young
Until next time my fabulous readers, toodles…
*Note to Team Heaven*
I don’t suppose any of you darling gals can help this gal out of a bit of a pickle? I’m terribly worried about the effects my search history is going to have on one’s algorithms, and need the help of an IT whizzkid to help make them disappear! And whilst we’re talking of making things disappear…
I merely went in search of potions IRL which can make things vanish, and it turns out that they are all hazardous substances. So all the more reason to be careful of what one wishes for! Alas, curiosity got the better of this cat, and one started Googling the properties of the various chemicals which were listed. I’m petrified that should I ever get into trouble with the authorities (again) that one’s browser will be held against me…And whilst we’re disappearing down the Alice in Wonderland, ‘Drink Me’ rabbit hole, I discovered that Who Wants to Live Forever, which I’ve been listening to non-stop since getting this month’s theme, was specifically written for the film Highlander. Which rather spookily is a film about immortals!!
Oh I’m getting into such a state with all this synchronicity, or maybe it’s my heart pounding at the images of Christopher Lambert in the original, or Henry Cavill, strongly rumoured to be in the reboot.
I think it’s safe to say that Henry C shall be the new recipient of my lusty worship (from afar) and that this gal really is well and truly and finally ‘over’ the ginger one!! Hoorah!! Out with the (Har)old, and in with the new ;)
Hmmm…I wonder if Henry C would mind me calling him Harry, such is the ‘English short form of the name;?!? It’s not just new brooms that sweep clean you know. I hear that a Henry can do a good job of it as well…
Tags: Lady P