Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
The need to set yourself limits has never been more apparent. The raging bull in you needs to be tamed before you bulldoze everyone - and everything - in the near vicinity, to the floor, including your reputation, which to be honest sweetie, if it declines any more, it will sink into such murky waters that we fear only a major rescue team will be able to drag you back from the brink! But let’s be realistic, as we know only too well, you won’t completely heed this warning, will you? You’ll see it as a hostile act, as opposed to being slapped in the face with what it actually is - the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the bloody unvarnished truth! #LivingInDenial
Consider all your options very carefully and look before you leap. An important lesson for you to put into practice is ‘always read the small print’; and if there isn’t any text to read, then bloody well look into the finer details of any offers you’re presented with and which seem too good to be true, because do you know what Gemini? They most probably ARE! Everybody wants something. It is a fact of life and there is always an ulterior motive. So to sum it up, don’t get caught with your pants down, or your arse is likely to get badly burned! A small singe might be survivable, but total incineration will lead to complete combustion! #EyesWideOpen
Just because you’ve been told something is good for you, it doesn't automatically mean that it is good for you, or the greater good for that matter. Question it. Question its legitimacy. Question the motives behind it. Even if something sounds valid and seems blindingly obvious, it is still wise to err on the side of caution until you are completely satisfied that it all stacks up, particularly if you intend to pass that info along, because nobody wants to end up with egg on their face! Being called a (humpty dumpty) numpty isn’t very flattering, however, being called a misinformed numpty, or a fake news spreader are FAR worse monikers to have bestowed upon you! #HipsAndLipsDontLie
The green-eyed monster has reared its ugly head once more and it’s such an unattractive trait sweetie - so unbecoming and so very much unnecessary. So lovely Leo, STOP IT. NOW! Get a bloody grip on this destructive behaviour before it completely consumes you to the point where jealousy clouds your vision of everyone and everything. When the green-eyed monster appears it shows you that your life isn’t happy, so we implore you to cheer the f*ck up, start seeing the beauty and fun in things, and introduce the only green monster you need in your life - aka, the gorgeous green Gordon’s gin bottle, with a twist of lime, wink wink! #LetThePartyBeGinAndYourTonic
You have stellar organisational skills and boy oh boy do they need to be shown off to the entire world for the truly wonderful attributes that they are. The best event planners on the planet, including those who plan parties/seminars/conferences/concerts - royal coronations included - couldn’t hold a candle to you and that meticulous mind of yours, dominated by fierce focus, with attention paid to every teeny tiny detail imaginable. It’s such a shame that all that fabulous talent is unseen by the masses; however, their loss is a huge gain for your nearest and dearest, who look forward to every single bloody brilliant shindig you put on. #AppreciatedByAllTheRightPeople
You long to live the champagne lifestyle but unfortunately sweetie you barely have a beer budget. Yes we know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but suck it up buttercup! That’s life! You may not think it’s particularly fair but if you want a life of luxury then get off your arse and bloody well work for it like everyone else. Do you think you deserve to have it handed to you on a silver platter, or in a crystal flute? WELL THINK AGAIN! Stop behaving like a spoiled brat, thinking that if you stamp your feet and scream loud enough, then all life’s little luxuries will bestow themselves upon you. Listen up you entitled tw*t…it doesn’t work that way! #TryLivingInTheRealWorld
Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Well sweetie - you only have yourself to blame. What the hell do you expect, constantly burning the candle at both ends. Continuous partying, coupled with absolutely no exercise and the most unhealthiest diet on the planet does not constitute a happy, healthy, human (HHH). In order to reach peak levels of ‘HHH’, try confining the partying to weekends and keep Monday to Friday a vegetable-munching, muscle-crunching, water-sipping, mind-nurturing zone. If that doesn’t materialise because old habits die hard, then shut up and put up with feeling like $hit, 24/7. Help those who help themselves. Harsh but true. #ToughLove #ActionsHaveConsequences
Teamwork makes the dream work. That is unless you’re a selfish f*cker who throws a spanner into the works, making the wheels fall off, and all because you want to hog the spotlight for yourself. You’re not into sharing success and, even though being in a team means ‘together everyone achieves more yada, yada, yada’, you’d rather flog yourself to death to make sure that it’s your name - and your name alone - in lights! But be careful what you wish for sweetie; because when you inevitably f*ck up, that spotlight will only be lighting up one person - YOU! A constellation of stars always shine more brightly and spectacularly than that one single star - burning itself out - trying to out-twinkle the rest. #InUnionThereIsStrength
You have a to-do list that has got completely out of hand - it’s so long it could be rolled out along the Great Wall of China, with plenty left over for the entire works of Shakespeare! You keep putting things off until tomorrow but, unfortunately, when tomorrow comes you can’t quite be bothered to do these things because you’ve been sidetracked, (doom) scrolling through social media. You’ve quite literally fallen down the rabbit hole - again - and by the time you manage to claw yourself back out to some relative form of sanity and serenity, you find that the hours have flown by, and once again you have achieved the sum total of = f*ck all! TIME OUT!!! Step away from the phone/tablet/computer - disconnect the wifi and stop trying to be relevant by posting and commenting on pointless crap. Maybe then you’ll have some precious time on your hands for the really important stuff! #GetYourPrioritiesRight
You’re dying to escape the boring humdrum of life, however your bank account doesn’t have the required dosh to play ball with your lofty ideas of a luxury 5-star getaway; and your credit cards don’t want to come out to play either, for fear of being cut up by an unimpressed travel agent who’s been ordered to confiscate the offending plastic. There’s nothing more embarrassing than standing there with a fist full of plastic, trying to divvy up the balance between a multitude of cards with no wiggle room to spare - no matter how much you plead to have the credit limit raised! Try lowering your expectations, save your budgetary blushes, and look closer to home at what you CAN afford instead! #WhenRealityBites
Your emotions are all over the place sweetie. One minute you're laughing, then you’re crying. Next we have Mr/Mrs Angry making a regular appearance, inciting temper tantrums which trip you over the edge, resulting in you saying or doing nasty/silly things which would normally be so out of character! This sets off the guilt, making you upset and anxious. Questioning your behaviour. Small pause for breath and then the whole bloody cycle repeats itself over and over again. Put on the big boy/girl pants and channel the wonderful words of Oscar Wilde: “I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” #OwnYourFeelingsButDontLetThemOwnYou
You long to be part of the in-crowd, to run with the movers and shakers. To be popular. To be revered. To be looked up to. To have a huge social media following. To be an influencer. Or in other words - HONEST words here - to be an enormous, monumental, egotistical dickhead; a people pleaser; a narcissist; an empty airhead filled with fluff and nonsense whose only ambition in life is getting more post likes. Have some respect for yourself and stop partaking in the popularity bull$hit contest. Get off the social media roundabout and banish the pointless people cluttering up your timeline with boring, inane drivel. It’s not real life and it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Trust us! #TakeOutTheTrash