Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Pisces

You need to justify some very expensive and silly impulsive splurges. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Were you under the influence of alcohol? Were you coerced? Were you just feeling needy? Or, in a moment of madness, did you lose the bloody plot and think it was actually a good idea? Well sweetie, that’s one big mess you need to sort out, PRONTO! First we suggest trying to get a refund. If that’s not an option, go for store credit in the hope that there’s something useful you can get out of it. Or, try selling said silly purchase on eBay/Gumtree etc. And if all that fails, hit the fizz, raise a toast to your sheer stupidity whilst congratulating yourself for behaving like a total tw*t with zero self-control! #HardDoseOfRealityRequired

Aries

You’re feeling the need to wrap yourself in luxury. After weeks of scrimping and saving, and living a pi$$ poor existence - the time is right to splash some cash and have a little, or maybe a lot, of what you fancy. Enjoy this extravagant time and lap it up because once your funding expires, unfortunately it will be back to basics and watching those precious pennies as your bank account hovers precariously near the danger zone. One slip up could land you in deep doo-doo, leaving you feeling hunted by the nasty bank manager. Just switch off your mobile phone and tape the letterbox shut until payday FINALLY arrives. Then sweetie, you can rejoin the land of the financially solvent once more! #BudgetWisely

Taurus

You have a special glow about you Taurus, and no we’re not talking about your face being covered in an abundance of highlighter, face oil, moisturiser or any other cosmetic products for that matter. It’s more of an inner glow - the kind you get when you’re loving and living a good life. You have banished negativity from your life and sent it packing. You have no time for any kind of pessimism, be it defeatist people with a gloomy outlook on life, cynical crap, or nasty backstabbing gossip. Embrace your inner calm and surround yourself with like-minded folk who want to laugh and have fun. Just leave all the bitter barstuds fester in their own bile and bull$hit! #EmbraceYourInnerGlow

Gemini

It’s time to cut the cord and stop hanging on your mother’s apron string or, in big boy/big girl ‘put your big pants on’ speak - grow the f*ck up and start making your own decisions without running home to be mollycoddled every time something doesn’t go your way. It’s time to stand on your own two feet, own your life choices - and, if they do go tits up, then take it on the chin, digest, learn, laugh and move on. And that sweetie, will make you appear to be a far more attractive option to potential partners when you have got your $hit together as no one wants to date a snivelling, spoiled and entitled mummy’s boy/girl. #DropTheSpoiledBratAct

Cancer

The craziness in work is finally starting to wind down, meaning you have more time on your hands for some fun stuff. AND…your stress levels will return to normal after dangerously hovering around breakdown level! Now listen up sweetie; we know work is important, because no work equals no money! HOWEVER, zero social life will turn you into a bloody bore! Everyone needs a little fun and laughter in their life, so don’t let your work consume you, try and find balance and then maybe your stress levels will be firmly under control, rather than turning you into a nervous wreck, cradling a bottle of booze, and feeling more than a tad crabby! #AllWorkAndNoPlayMakesCancerADullCrab

Leo

Brainstorming can make a difference and other people’s opinions can be valuable. Being stubborn and pig-headed is not very endearing and makes you look like an insufferable moron incapable of debate who likes the sound of their own voice a little too much. Reality check - you do not reign on high and yes Leo, we are well aware that the lion is king of the jungle, but just this once, wind your bloody neck in before someone topples your crown and you get dethroned once and for all. Before you enter the conversation, try parking the ego outside. Engage the brain before the gob and if in doubt - say nowt! #SelfImportanceIsAnUnattractiveTrait

Virgo

Your plans seem to be progressing well, however, don’t rest on your laurels. Just keep going full steam ahead. You may feel like you’re about to crash and burn, but do NOT let doubt creep in. Once that lower lip wobbles you run the risk of negative thoughts invading your mind and failure is NOT an option. If it helps, channel your inner superhero; and if you really need to submerge yourself in the role and get into character - throw on a (face) mask and cape! Just do it in the privacy of your home, otherwise you run the risk of people thinking you’ve turned into a complete tw*t who’s entirely lost the plot! #MethodActingNotRequired

Libra

STOP making mountains out of molehills. Not everything is problematic, and there’s absolutely no bloody need for you to throw OTT diva strops whilst channelling your inner Drama Queen. If this silly, destructive behaviour continues, you will alienate your nearest and dearest who will tire of the never ending bull$hit that seems to continually follow you. Or are you creating chaos in order to be the centre of attention? Be honest with yourself Libra and admit that you revel in the mayhem and the attention it brings. It’s time to stop being melodramatic and embrace some semblance of normality before your life turns into a sorry saga! #AttentionSeekerAlert

Scorpio

You’re in the mood to rock the boat. There are certain people in your life who are a tad smug about their perfect lives, constantly ramming their happiness down your throat and it’s pi$$ing you off big time. It’s time to reverse the roles and rain on their parade from a bloody great height! Even if your life is pure $hite at the moment dear Scorpio, you will need to draw on all the acting skills you possess, plaster on a great big smile and sing zippity doo dah on a loop until your cheeks hurt, or at least until you’ve convinced the smug ones that your life is just as Ab Fab as theirs sweetie. #FakeItTilYouMakeIt

Sagittarius

Petty distractions are derailing you from what you want to achieve this month and you are making things far worse by letting them take over your mind, possessing your thoughts and turning you into an irrational hysterical raving lunatic, to the point that friends will need to intervene and perform an exorcism! Let’s just hope that by that point, your head isn’t spinning and projectile vomiting green gloop all over them. That’s just downright rude and embarrassing, the sort of fiasco that will take a very long time to get over, and by then you might have possibly lurched into ANOTHER disaster unless you have a serious word with yourself NOW! #StopMakingADramaOutOfNothing

Capricorn

Give people the chance to see you shine. You were born to stand out from the crowd Capricorn, but what good is that if you hide away from the world? Be bold, be fun, be confident, be happy and be f*cking fabulous…just don’t take it too far with overexposure in the worst possible way - dare we say it? Dare, dare, dare away! You can be all of those things without resorting to cheapening yourself sweetie by getting your ‘bits and bobs’ out just for a few paltry likes. That’s just scraping the barrel and lumping yourself in with the rest of the wannabes. Be fabulous in your own unique way, with your clothes on and your dignity intact! #FameIsFickle

Aquarius

You've been metaphorically sucker punched by someone you never thought would harm even a hair on your head and, to be quite frank sweetie, you're absolutely gobsmacked, not to mention upset. But now is the time to wo/man up, get angry AND get even! HOW DARE THEY DO THIS TO YOU! And who the f*ck do they think they are? Do they know who they are messing with? They should know by now that even though you may be the most loyal friend, that they CROSS YOU AT THEIR PERIL! Nobody does revenge quite like you - they need to watch their backs because you always strike when people are least expecting it! #RevengeIsADishBestServedCold