Lady P - March 2023
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
My darling readers, when briefed about this month's issue one was a tad perplexed and more than a little worried!
This issue is called ‘Inferno’, with the theme based around a painting of Dante’s (in)famous poem ~ Inferno ~ depicting the Nine Circles of Hell!
Sounds utterly terrifying and, for one brief moment, one thought the assignment might be moi being thrown into a fiery furnace, or sent off to scale a live volcano, or some other inflammatory stunt where one would get all hot and bothered, not that one is averse to working up a sweat, as regular readers can vouch for…
Or, heaven forbid, having to trudge around dusty libraries and art galleries. One’s nostrils are already sorely assaulted on a daily basis, what with living in the crumbling, faded splendour of the family pile ~ this intrepid lady did NOT fancy more of the same, thank you very much…
Anyway, I digress…
Upon a little digging ~ i.e. after one had googled Dante’s Inferno, which incidentally is called Mappa dell'Inferno, aka the Abyss of Hell ~ one was intrigued to find it had been locked away in the Vatican in Rome. So perhaps an(other) Italian adventure lay ahead? Si grazie!
Unfortunately the gals at EH HQ extinguished those infernal flames faster than one had torched the ginger whinger’s self-pitying tome in disgust. BTW, now that would have made for an amusing skit to add to a certain satirical animated American TV show ~ one would be immortalised as a cartoon character; no names mentioned tho, Mum’s the word and all that, as one hears that the increasingly-unpopular couple in question have more legal grievances in force than all of the NDAs Daddy’s lawyers have put together over the years to uphold one’s glowing reputation. And there have been a LOT…
Instead, one was invited to “explore Dita’s very own, modern-day interpretation of the Nine Circles of Hell”. Intrigued my darlings? You and me both! So buckle up sweethearts, you may be in for a bumpy ride. “So no change there then!” I hear some of you say…
This could also get deliciously naughty ~ as always, the devil is in the detail!
Circle 1: Limbo
Now one was wondering whether that was ‘limbo’ as in the dance, where one has to bend and undulate under a low bar whilst trying not to fall on one’s pert posterior, yet all the while being cheered on by one’s enthusiastic admirers. Or something entirely different?
Maybe it’s the limbo of fickle friends, aka back-stabbing, bitchy ‘frenemies’ deciding whether or not you’re a suitable candidate to socialise with, decreeing whether you’re the ‘flavour of the month’ and/or have salacious gossip to share! Nope! This gal doesn’t need that kind of negativity in her life, hanging around the edges of some kind of #BimboLimbo. I am a reformed Lady I’ll have you know!
Or perhaps it’s the limbo which sadly, one has all too often experienced ~ such as being ghosted by a seemingly promising love interest. I recall one time I turned down a rather bizarre invitation for some ‘al fresco desert’. Or maybe it was supposed to read ‘al fresco dessert’? ~ who knows? I guess that’s the problem with predictive text ~ so much scope for things to get lost in translation…
To this day, I still don’t know if one was being invited to have some sand-based canoodling and nookie under the stars, with only camels and campfire for company, or if I was being invited to enjoy some fruit trifle body-shots on the terrace at his hotel…Like a good girl guide and any self-respecting guest with food allergies/preferences would do, I’d merely messaged back, asking if wet wipes would be available for any spillages, along with my desire for hundreds and thousands on top, as they were my guilty pleasure… Didn’t hear a peep back. Sigh. His loss! Anyway, I had the pleasure of some double helpings on my own terrace. Not a euphemism. Much…
Circle 2: Lust
Well my darlings, let’s not be churlish or coy here ~ we’re all consenting adults (I hope!) ~ we all know that one has more than a strong lusty desire when it comes to members of the opposite sex. One didn’t just happen upon the nickname ‘Dirty Dita’ by accident I’ll have you know. No siree! It was rather uncharitably bestowed upon me many moons ago by a disgruntled former lover who was no longer able to indulge in or avail himself of one’s bountiful curves. Instead, the callous cad retaliated in the most ungentlemanly way possible by resorting to slut-shaming. It’s not my fault he hadn’t thought through his Houdini fantasy, nor specified which one of us was to be trussed up…Anyway, it’s safe to say that once I had taken out that piece of trash, my lust for life, in all its carnal variants, is now saved for the more appreciative gents in one’s little black book. Lesson learned! #InLustWeTrussed
Circle 3: Gluttony
There’s no fear of me being gluttonous! As you all know my darling readers, this body of mine is a temple. This is non-negotiable as one has to look one’s absolute best in order to attract the most eligible and fittest of suitors. One’s curves need to be perfectly proportioned AND in all the right places! At the risk of “stating the bleeding obvious” as Daddy would so bitingly say, that goal is not going to be achieved by gorging on processed junk food. The only area where one overindulges a tad is when one consumes a little more than one really ought of the odd glass or several of fizz.
Here’s a Top Lady P Tip: try (responsibly) drinking your bubbles whilst sitting in the hot tub, and sweat that alcohol straight out! Moderation is key dahhhlings ~ we don’t want gluttony to become ‘no-see-my-belly-buttony’!
Circle 4: Greed
One can be guilty of being a greedy so-and-so ~ despite my immediately preceding protestations about gluttony! ~ but only when it comes to sampling and savouring the delights of the male species ~ tho’ not all of the male species ~ just the crème de la crème ~ even pedigreed one might say! Now the Dita of old would say that that criteria would be a good-looking beefcake with a wallet as big as his biceps! However, the new, improved, and enlightened Dita (Dita circa 2023) is not quite so superficial as one is more specifically looking for affection, passion and romance!
And another greedy trait to have hit the dust my darlings is ~ HOLD THE FRONT PAGE ~ one’s penchant for shopping! Oh yes. Daddy is tickled pink to infinity and beyond by this HUGE revelation. His years of berating and threatening me with disinheritance seem to have finally paid off, literally. He has seen an astronomical reduction in one’s credit card statements!
I swear, the last time I saw Daddy cry so copiously was when Mummy sacked Daddy’s ‘trusted personal valet’. She’d come home early from her axe-throwing class which had had to be cancelled on safety grounds, due to overwhelming demand from the village’s womenfolk.
Anyway, I digress…
Mummy had only walked in on Daddy and his valet doing some kind of all-in, naked-origami-wrestling, with Daddy’s dicky bow and cummerband!!! I know, right?! How utterly ridiculous, and unbelievable. We all know that Daddy wouldn’t be seen dead in a cummerband!!
Circle 5: Wrath
Living with Daddy and his splenetic outbursts, one can say that one has considerable expertise on this matter, having been on the receiving end of many a nasty and vicious whiplashing of Daddy’s tongue! Hell hath no fury like Daddy whenever a credit card statement landed on his desk, usually with an accompanying sarcastic note from the accountants advising him to either cut up one’s cards, or to cut off some of my digits, in the faint hope that one wouldn’t be able to swipe or type in the magic numbers! And if that wasn’t enough, just to be on the safe side, perhaps ‘disable’ my voice box so one couldn’t instruct Maria or anyone else to do one’s bidding!
The absolute cheek of those killjoy beancounters! It incurred ‘my’ wrath so badly, one ended up having the mother of all panic attacks resulting in me requiring a little R&R at a discreet (i.e. expensive) *health spa*! Thankfully, one has turned over a new leaf in recent months, hopefully avoiding any similar showdowns and meltdowns in the future.
Meanwhile, Daddy couldn’t help but overhear my own musings about wrath. Rather uncharacteristically for him, he started to get all biblical, quoting scripture about the grapes of wrath! Has Daddy also had an epiphany?!? Seems not! He soon changed his tune and snapped back into the irascible Daddy we all know and love, promptly instructing the butler to bring up a few bottles of his finest grapes‘ from the cellar to toast his new found fortune!
One’s keeping one’s well-manicured (intact) fingers crossed, that this is the last we have seen the wrath of a borderline psychopath! But not going to hold one’s breath either!!
Circle 6: Heresy
I know! I had to Google it too, so I shall save you the time!
“Heresy is any belief or theory that is strongly at variance with established beliefs or customs ~ in particular the accepted beliefs of a religious organisation”
Now this is a rather divisive one, and as Daddy says, “you should never discuss politics or religion at the dinner table” ~ therefore, as one is typing this at the dinner table, I think I shall err on the side of caution and discuss one’s previous rituals, which were religiously practised on a regular basis. Well they were until ‘Dita B.M. (Before Metamorphosis) ‘happened’. One likes to believe that one has transformed from a spoiled entitled heiress into a working woman of the world, with the ability to support herself.
Previous ‘rituals, customs and beliefs’, which I blindly slavishly followed and adhered to included shopping, obsessive ‘pampering’, worshipping at the altar of fashion shows, compulsory multiple exotic holidays, and looking one’s absolute best, 24/7. Not wanting to sound too ‘tree-huggy’ or evangelical here, but one has actually embraced heresy. Now such activities and vocabulary are borderline blasphemous words under my new mindset and personal overhaul, which, in a nutshell, is to be a better person, and NOT be some rich, ditzy ‘trustafarian’ airhead with a purse full of Daddy’s credit cards, or on an incessant quest to ensnare some obscenely rich or high-profile male to leech off, ginger or otherwise…
Circle 7: Violence
Thankfully, one hasn’t been subjected to violence nor witnessed a great deal of it in one’s relatively sheltered life, unless you count the nasty and most unladylike catfight that broke out in Chanel on Bond Street when they had their January sales. I understand first hand how women covet the brand and owning one of their handbags is viewed as a status symbol; however, resorting to flashing your Agent Provocateur undies to the entire store as you grapple on the floor whilst trying to wrestle a handbag from another bargain hunter is so unbecoming and more than a little desperate. That kind of stigma you can NEVER shake off!
Anyhow, these days I’m very much a “make love not war” kind of gal, confining any ‘physical thrashing tendencies’ to one’s fellow consenting adults. My word is my bond(age). You can take their word for it too; well you can once they’ve had their gag taken off…
Circle 8: Fraud
Are we talking here about fraud being committed, or people who are frauds? Hmmm…let’s explore both options. Has one been on the receiving end of a fraud? Not yet, unless you count the time I was the victim of credit card fraud. Daddy says it was pretty inevitable seeing as I spend so much bloody time and money shopping online ~ reckons that if I had half a brain then maybe I would double/triple check that my internet security was top notch and to stop using bloody useless passwords that were easier to crack than a microwaveable ready meal!
In my defence, I no longer use GingerBalls69 or any of his other publicised nicknames and pseudonyms (silly Dita!). All of which rather neatly leads me on to people who are frauds! I think it’s fair to say that the rose-tinted scales have well and truly fallen from my eyes, and a certain ginger person has shown his true colours. Not so much a royal prince, but a cartoon one. And he’s not the ‘toast of Tinseltown’, but the ‘roast of Tinseltown’! Oh dear oh dear. There’s a surprise. What a shame…
Circle 9: Treachery
Now this one’s easy peasy, lemon squeezy! There is only ONE candidate (or maybe two) in my opinion, for the ultimate treachery committed, aided and abetted by a partner in crime and marriage. Fortunately most of the world seems to have caught up and are now in agreement. Mentioning no names of course, as we know ‘they’ like to throw their lawyers’ weight around, but we all know, nudge nudge, wink wink.
To throw one’s family so spectacularly under the bus when they have funded such a lavish lifestyle is such a betrayal. Who on earth does that? And as Daddy says, only the ungrateful, and most tiny-minded complain about the smallest issues, and boy have they complained about EVERYTHING!
The monikers Whinge and Cringe are pretty apt, non? Let this be a painful lesson learned for all. Love thy family and don’t pen a ‘tell-all book’, breezily promoting it with scathing interviews to any tame/lame journalist who doesn't have the cojones to question the petty and ludicrous claims. I wonder which category the book is filed under in the bookstores? Fiction? Fantasy? Bargain bin? Alas, I fear the attention seekers will continue to monopolise the airwaves for some time, following their worldwide privacy tour. All I can do is wonder if there is another ‘documentary’ in the pipeline. Maybe an homage to ‘An Englishman Abroad’? Perhaps give the mockumentary a working title of ‘An Englishman A Fraud’…
And on that note my darling readers, this is where I am going to leave things and clamber out of these Nine Circles of Hell, before I lose my mind. Don’t want to incur the wrath of the spoilt man-child and get hit by him spitting out his dummy. Not that that is any way to refer to someone’s spouse…
**Team Heaven HQ**
I shall be indisposed for the next few days. Tho please don’t tell a soul ~ guest list is still a bit up in the air because of ‘you know who’ ~ but I’m off to be measured up for my Coronation outfit! C3 is such a darling. Always had a soft spot for Mummy and I. Can’t help but wonder if we’re related somewhere along the succession line? You know how closely-connected us aristos are!!
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