There are ideas aplenty pouring out of your usually unproductive brain and these need to be acted upon, pronto, otherwise they’ll simply fade into the background noise along with all the enthusiasm and happiness that could be your life! Alas, this has all gone to pot, because in a nutshell Gemini, you’ve become more than a little lazy, boring barstud who can’t be bothered to do anything which involves getting out of your own sad little ‘twatterverse’, where telly, Twitter and Tiktok rule the day. These are sucking the life out of you, until all that’s left is a husk of a person, who used to be engaging and fun to be around! It’s time to put the cyberlife into retirement and re-connect with the real world once more! ‘This month has been brought to you by the letter ‘T’, so you still have time to turn things around!’ #TechnologyTimeout

You feel most at ease when surrounded by family, friends, and loved ones, aka, your ‘Inner Circle’. When out of that circle your anxiety levels are most definitely veering towards the sharp end of the ‘OMG. I’m gonna have a meltdown’ scale of things. So when that feeling of fear starts, it’s time to remove yourself from the situation, calm the f*ck down, and ask yourself, ‘is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?’ Solutions are needed, and FAST! Option 1: A confidence-boosting class, learning great coping strategies for every situation. Option 2: Becoming a hermit for the foreseeable future, self-medicating with a $hit load of vodka, a la Bridget Jones. Or Option 3: Put on your big superhero pants and stare this anxiety thing down once and for all! #DecisionsDecisions

Your brain is operating at warp speed, conjuring up a whole host of ideas ranging from ‘pretty good/quite genius’, all the way to ‘complete and utter bollocks/what on earth am I thinking?!’ A quick heads up Leo…For the sake of your nearest and dearest we beseech you choose the former, ‘quite genius ideas’ and save those poor schmucks in your vicinity from having to drag you away from yet another disastrous escapade, and get buried under a pile of crap - again - and all of your own making may we add?! Time to perk up, grow up, and stop expecting others - again - to clean up your mess, which leaves a more than nasty whiff of ‘when will you ever friggin’ learn?!?!’ In your wake…#GeniusVersusStupidity #ScrewUpOrWiseUp

Sweetie. The numbers are not adding up. AGAIN! When are you going to realise Virgo, that there is more money going out of your bank account than coming in?! You spend more than you earn, and to make matters even worse, Messrs Visa, Amex & Mastercard are no longer playing ball with your ‘shop now - pay later’ tactics. They have called a timeout, REFUSING point-blank to participate (enable) any further in this dangerous spending game. Wake up, smell the melted plastic sweetie because you no longer have the means to fund your not-so-little, secret shopping habit. Step off that spending hamster wheel. NOW! #BuyNowPayLaterNeverEndingCycle

You don’t need anybody's permission to live your life the way you want to live it. So stop being a needy numpty and draw on your inner warrior. Now is the time for YOU to dictate your life. Who YOU are! Where YOU want to go! And…What YOU want to achieve! The world is your oyster and everything is up for grabs, if only you are brave enough to snatch it up before someone else gets in there before you. If you persist in ambling through life sweetie, if you’re not careful, then you are always going to end up at the back of the queue, having to settle for the dregs that are leftover…You know? The $hit nobody else needs or wants. You’re worth so much more than that. #TakeBackControl

Expand your horizons. The sky's the limit, unless you’re a billionaire who just happens to own a spaceship! However, us mere mortals who have no relationship to Messrs Branson, Bezos, Musk & co, will have to be realistic about our horizons, and start off with something far more achievable to get the adventurous juices flowing: perhaps a hot air balloon ride, a mountain hike, a trek through the jungle, water rafting, or maybe an exotic beach holiday? Travel is said to broaden the mind- and boy does your mind need broadening before it completely shuts down from a lack of stimulation, and goes on strike! Life is for living. Life is an adventure. Life is whatever you make it: an exhilarating rollercoaster of a ride, a humdrum let down, or something in between the two! The choices are all yours! #EenieMeenieMineyMo

You have earned a reputation for being a bit of a Billy Bull$hitter and that’s not exactly flattering, is it? Well Sagittarius, there’s only one thing to do. Reign in the amount of crap that pours from your mouth on a daily basis, OR, at least try fact checking before you unleash the gossip that is just dying to escape from your indiscreet gob! It may feel great having all this juicy information on tap, however, is there any need to lob it like a grenade, obliterating anyone in its path?! This will inevitably harm your (increasingly dubious) reputation AND ruin friendships, resulting in people losing all confidence in your ability to keep schtum when confided in. Billy Bull$hitter will soon be Billy No Mates if you carry on like this! #EngageTheBrainBeforeYourBigTrapTakesOver

You stubborn old goat. Stop digging your heels (hooves) in and making the situation worse when things don’t quite go your way. You are NOT an all-knowing oracle, nor do you have the information capacity of Google stored in your brain, nor the monopoly on always being right! Ask yourself this: ‘who the hell put you in charge of all decisions relating to humanity and the planet?’ Answer: NO-ONE!!! So…get your head out of your arse and stop behaving like a spoiled child, throwing your toys out of the pram when you’ve lost the room. Grown ups don’t behave like that, so please kindly wind your neck in, stop these childish outbursts, and put a dummy in it until you learn to play nicely. Only then will you be permitted to join the big boys/girls again! #DelusionsOfGranduer

Stop obsessing over itsy bitsy details that have no real bearing on the tasks ahead. Faffing over bull$hit instead of the important stuff derails you and everyone around you, sending you off on a wild goose chase until you come to your senses. It’s at this point you realise what a complete and utter numpty you’ve been, along with wasting precious time, whilst you’ve been projecting your unreasonable OCB (Obsessive Cockwomble Behaviour) traits onto others. Keep this up Aqaurius and you’ll end up all alone, mulling over why ‘out of the blue’, all your nearest and dearest are either too ill to see you - apparently it’s contagious - OR, they have unexpectedly left the country! #AvoidAtAllCosts

You long to be taken seriously, but, when faced with reality sweetie, you’re more ‘court jester’ than ‘responsible adult’! Hey, that’s not such a bad thing, because when the chips are down and the entire world is imploding, who better than people like you to keep up the spirits of those who wither, and become a soggy blubbering mess in the corner!? Forget life being like a box of chocolates - sorry, not sorry Forrest…Let’s think of a box of Liquorice Allsorts - we need variety - and lots of it! Who wants to live in a world where everyone is consumed with doom and gloom? We need the dreamers, the chancers, the funny ones and - whisper it - we even need the tw*ts to remind us that it really does take ‘Allsorts’ to make the world go round! #VarietyIsTheSpiceOfLife

You need to keep things strictly professional when dealing with work colleagues, otherwise, people might get the wrong impression and you end up as the hot topic of office gossip. That kind of stigma is very hard to shake off, especially if accompanied by copies of illicit emails, and what you thought were private Whatsapp messages. Or, heaven forbid, the ultimate office disgrace and faux pas - digital evidence that has done the rounds before you even have an inkling it existed… Oh-the-shame! Never to be forgotten and ALWAYS referred to at work parties when some drunken dickhead decides to drag up the ‘can you remember when…? It only takes a second to lose a hard-won reputation. Don’t blow it. Literally and metaphorically… #BigBrotherIsAlwaysWatching

You have been fueling your body with substandard crap and are now left wondering why it isn’t functioning as well as it usually does. Well duh? Don’t be a complete knobhead sweetie. Wake up and smell the not so healthy concoction of saturated fats, processed food and alcohol you have been feasting and gorging upon these last few weeks! You really do ‘get out what you put in’, so don’t be surprised when you fill your body with the ultra-processed $hitty stuff on the food spectrum, that you’re going to be left feeling more than a little bit blah! Stuffed, lethargic, bloated - basically a sickly, squidgy mess. And now, just to point out the bleedin’ obvious - you need to refuel your body with the good stuff. Even the zodiac’s bon viveur like you Taurus needs to embrace the veggies once in a while and make water your new best friend. You’re not daft - you can do it! #TimeToDitchTheFoodPorn