Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Zip it big mouth. Yep, you heard us right the first time! Otherwise, you’re either going to find yourself up to your neck in doggy do do thanks to your unrelenting ‘porky pies’, and overly-dramatic, gossip-mongering shenanigans; OR brutally ostracised by your nearest and dearest who have come to the end of the road and their tether after enduring your runaway mouth uttering so much BS; so don’t be surprised if you find they’re stepping back - BIG time - to avoid being buried under it! Just ‘engage the brain before the gob’ and practice this mantra EVERY SINGLE DAY, thus avoiding major fallout, and you becoming a leper with an alarm bell to alert others when that offending orifice of yours is about to open, so that they can evacuate the area in plenty of time! #JawWiringStartsIn_3_2_1_
Catnaps seem to be your best friend of late, although some might call you a lazy barstud…Let them, whilst politely reminding them that you are a big cat, a lion in fact, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with a cheeky little forty winks during the day. Anyway, you prefer to call them power naps, as befits your ‘monarch of the jungle’ status! If only the catty have-a-go-at-everything’ posse got off their high horses and opened their minds, they would actually learn that power naps are hugely beneficial, boosting concentration, alertness, creativity and mood; all of which helps you to re-energise and to tell those interfering, egotistical busybodies to mind their own friggin’ business - they can keep their unwanted opinions to themselves! #ThePowerOfPowerNaps
You don’t know who to trust and that’s making your anxiety go through the roof. So how about we look at it this way sweetie? Unless they have a vested interest in your life, they can keep schtum! You don’t have to let others be privy to what goes on in your mind nor your life for that matter. STOP oversharing - then maybe your anxiety levels will stabilise with the realisation that nobody is going to be judging you or talking about you, as they know Jack Sh*t! ‘Tis far better to keep your thoughts, ideas, and comings and goings private. Create your very own inner circle and give them a ‘trust tree’ to climb. Once they’ve reached the top without falling, you can be quietly confident that they really do have your back! #TrustIsEarned
Proceed with caution sweetie as you navigate the office politics and hierarchy. There are always the usual suspects. The one lording it around the office like Billy Big Bollocks; they’re the gobby one who has an opinion on EVERY. BLOODY. THING.!!! The gossip; usually found huddled by the water cooler or loitering in the kitchen, speaking in hushed tones as they spout their venomous poison. The GDB (general dog’s body); ALWAYS running around, making endless teas and coffees, and doing all the ‘menial’ jobs that others delegate because they are lazy gits who think such tasks are beneath them! Tip for the GDB, next time they’re ‘asked’ to do something uber-basic and are being imperiously dumped upon, a simple polite response of “oh don’t you know how to do xx? Here, let me show you so you’ll know for next time. It’s super easy!” Be careful how you tread sweetie. It’s a minefield out there! #InstructionsAndMapRequired
You welcome feedback. Correction. You LOVE feedback, especially when it’s constructive, HOWEVER, what you cannot abide is rude, obnoxious, abusive comments from fu*kwits who have absolutely no business sticking their oar in where it’s not needed, wanted, nor relevant! Some people just love the sound of their own voice, think their opinions are always right, and have to be the centre of attention. In a nutshell - egotistical c*ckwombles … Our advice is to give them a wide berth sweetie, and if they do persist - invading your personal space - politely tell them to move away; and if all else fails, a firm and polite “Please, would you just please kindly fu*k off. Thank you” should do the trick nicely! #TakeYourToxicityElsewhere
Be careful what you wish for, as it may actually happen….and wouldn’t that be a shocker? Sometimes dreams really do come true and no, we’re not going all mushy and gooey with shades of Disney thrown in for good measure. We’re just saying, be open-minded and optimistic rather than a miserable old fogey with a bah humbug complex. It’s far better to be a dreamer, rather than a screamer of how life is constantly $hit, and how you are always being dealt a crap hand of cards. When life gives you lemons - make lemonade! Or if you want to add a bit of oomph in your day/night, try some limoncello. And poured over plain ice-cream, it’s doubly delicious! Win-win. #BeSweetNotSour
You’re being pulled in different directions, but there’s no need to let others influence you - ultimately the decision is yours and yours alone. It doesn’t matter if so-and-so wants you to do this, that or the other; and another well-intentioned-yet-misguided so-and-so is telling you the complete opposite. Stuff em! You are your own person. You make the rules and you do what you want, when you want, and b*ll*cks to anyone who tries to derail you or force their will upon you. Be a stubborn old goat, dig in the hooves, stand your ground, and stop letting people walk all over you. Grow a set and remind people who’s the boss of your life. Clue: It’s not them! #HowToNotBeAPushover
STOP interfering and keep yourself out of other people's business you nosy barstud! How dare you inflict your opinions on others, especially when you haven’t been invited to contribute your thoughts on the matter, or on any other matter while we’re on the subject. NEWS FLASH!!! You don’t know everything - you’re not the Oracle - and nobody has put you in charge. So take a deep breath, calm yourself and wind your neck in before you say or do something which offends someone to the point of no return - they’ll either push back with something particularly ‘unbecoming’, OR if you’ve really overstepped the mark, don’t be surprised if they try to (physically) put you back in your place using brute force! You NEVER know what you’re dealing with until you push someone too far - it’s really not something you want to find out the hard way! #ActionsAndWordsHaveConsequences
Don’t make any snap decisions. Act in haste, repent at leisure. Making bad decisions can have repercussions that last a lifetime and who the fu*k has the time, patience and headspace to sort out constant drama because you didn’t have the brains to actually STOP and THINK before jumping in, all guns blazing. When things go tits up and the $hit hits the fan - you only have yourself and your impatience to thank for this latest debacle, which is entirely of your own making. So take your time sweetie. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Think things through. Analyse each situation properly, and hopefully that will hold you in good stead, so you don’t end up looking a complete tw*t with regrets aplenty. #ThinkBeforeYouAct
Nobody has the right to demand you hand over the keys to your kingdom. You’ve worked incredibly hard for what you’ve got so make sure hangers on and freeloaders are shown the door pronto, especially if they try to take advantage of your generosity and good nature. You can accomplish a lot in life with the right intentions and a good moral compass. However, there are those who have the audacity to think that they can waltz in, do none of the heavy lifting yet expect the glory and the rewards. F*ckwits! F*ck that! And f*ck them! Those keys to your kingdom are remaining firmly in your pocket! #DontTakeMeForAFool
Set firm boundaries Taurus or others will most definitely take the pi$$ by overstepping the mark. The need for some boundary border control is vital; passports are not necessary, however, facial recognition is paramount if/when allowing someone into your inner sanctum. If you haven’t got a friggin’ clue who they are and/or their face don’t fit, then entry will be denied. That’s not you being nasty or selective sweetie…it’s you protecting your sanity, wellbeing, and creating your own safe sanctuary. Troublemakers, c*ckwombles, and numpties are not welcome in your safe space and you most definitely don’t have to justify your reasons why! #MyLifeMyChoiceMyRules
There’s been a major dent in your finances because you haven’t kept your eye on the ball and have somehow turned into an out of control shop-a-holic. It’s time to reign in the spending before your bank puts up a wanted poster for crimes against your current account/overdraft! We know how easy it is to (mindlessly) pay for things by tapping your card or flashing your phone screen; however, EVERY transaction needs to be accounted for, so engage the brain and think long and hard before you add to basket, continue to checkout, then tap and flash! Your actions have consequences and having money troubles can be seriously scary. Wise up sweetie and start behaving like a responsible adult else Mr Bank Manager will put you firmly on the naughty step! #SpendWisely