Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

Greetings and salutations my darlings!

I can’t deny that one has been in more than a discombobulated state of late, mainly thanks to receiving a rather perplexing proposition - and a very naughty proposition at that!! Nay, an indecent proposal, if you will…

Usually one loves to receive an exclusive, invite-only event, however, THIS particular invite was way, way, waaaay out of one’s comfort zone, and immediately begging the question as to WHY anyone - well at least anyone with a crumb of self-respect to their name - would want to participate in such an activity?!

Intrigued?

Well of course you are, my fellow vicarious adventurers! So in that vein, and now that I’ve hopefully got your undivided attention, shall we plough on?

The invite in question was for an X-rated Facetime sex session with an old flame!

Was I shocked?
Well yes.
And no.

No, because in the past, as was/is his ‘style’, he had ever so thoughtfully sent through an impressive array of dick pics which remain in my personal cloud to this very day. Judge away my darlings! What can I say? I’m not made of wood…

Shocked, yes, not least because one has it on excellent authority from one’s gal pals’, aka the #GlossyPosse, that he is currently dating a popular, successful, high-profile public figure, and who also just happens to be an old school chum. Beauty and brains she has in spades; but she has always had a soft spot for a good-looking #BadBoy… Hmmm! #Awks

Obviously my darling readers, one replied with a swift and brusque “thanks but no thanks duckie!”

One would also think - nay hope - that people would have far more ‘self-awareness’ nowadays about such activities and proclivities! And moreso after recent events which have been amplified by a social media onslaught, hounding and rolling ‘news coverage’ of some high-profile media types, whose very livelihoods and health are being adversely affected.

Tho one isn’t too disappointed to ‘learn’ from internet chatter, that a certain waspish ‘broadcaster’ - and I use that term very loosely - who loves to claim the moral high ground by hounding celebs et al etc, is temporarily ‘indisposed’ for the foreseeable…Even the most righteous and virtuous can come undone…Perhaps I should give them Daddy’s solicitors’ details if they want more watertight NDAs. Oh dear…

Anyway. I digress…

Now I know one has [had] a ‘reputation’ of sorts, but that doesn’t stop one from being mortally offended at being approached after so many years. The Lady P of old would have been fleetingly ‘flattered’ by such attention, however, one’s tentative emergence from one’s chrysalis has helped one discover oodles of personal qualities, hitherto unknown and unexplored. And I think we all know just how adventurous I can be, once I’ve put my mind to it…

There are a variety of reasons for politely telling him where to not only take, but to shove his unsolicited request for an X-rated, Facetime sex session starting with:

Reason 1: Girl Code

Ladies, if you do not know the ins and outs of the ‘Girl Code’ by now, then I strongly suggest you acquaint yourself with them pronto. Knowledge is power my loves, therefore, knowing and following ‘Girl Code’ will stand you in good stead with all fellow females, making you a far better woman.

One of the most important points is that you respect fellow females and never go after a gal pal’s ex; furthermore, you most definitely do not betray them, or any other fellow female by having illicit sex with their cheating, lying, pathetic excuse of a [current - but not for long] partner!

Learn the rules and follow them ladies. We need to lift each other up, not tear each other down!

Reason 2: Never Go Back

An ex is an ex for good reason my darlings! And obviously something went wrong for you to go your separate ways. They are not called an old flame for nothing you know! #BurntOut

From experience, one can categorically say that it’s not usually a small slip up which poisons paradise. One can overlook many a misdemeanor, but a betrayal or extreme bad behavior would incur one’s wrath, thus forcing a separation or provoking an all-out war, inflicting never-to-be erased battle scars from one’s mind.

Such inexcusable actions can only ever have one outcome, and that is for them to be banished for eternity to a social Siberia of fuckwits and cockwombles, NEVER to be trusted nor allowed anywhere near the inner circle again. EVER!!!

Reason 3: Pros vs Cons Of Facetime Sex

Pros:

• Good practice if you’re thinking of a career in porn!
• The adrenaline rush and added thrill of doing something naughty…
• It could lead to a highly-lucrative, money-making exercise by taking the next (logical?) step, by opening an OnlyFans Account!
• You could tell yourself that it’s a confidence-building exercise?!

Cons:

• Heaven forbid it's recorded and ends up doing the rounds on social media. That kind of exposure and scandal can never be shaken off nor forgotten! I fondly remember a time when the only ‘viral’ concerns of us incurable romantics was the risk of catching herpes. Sigh… #SimplerTimes
• Nobody looks good having sex. Ever! Be it solo, a duet, or an ensemble cast, no matter how hot they [think they] are! Remember the one where Ross & Rachel on Friends filmed themselves ‘horizontal jogging’!? It’s a cautionary tale that once you’ve seen it, it can NEVER be erased from your memory and who needs to remember such unflattering and disturbing images, no?! Just NO!
• Do you really really want to be like a Kartrashian? Notorious/infamous for getting down and dirty on camera? You owe it to yourself and your reputation to be so much more than the (enormous) butt of many a locker room joke!
• Have you really sunk that low darlings that the only sexual encounters you can get are via technology? If so, one needs to have a serious word with oneself! Ideally, the only gadgets during sex are of the phallic, sensual or buzzing variety. Any b(l)eeping or vibrating sounds should be coming from you and your ‘toys’, not your bloody phone!

Reason 4: I Am A Lady

One should ALWAYS hold oneself in high esteem. If you don’t have (any) self-respect my darlings, how on earth can you expect others to respect you in any way, shape, or form?

You all know what a huge fan I am of the opposite sex, with some - ahem - ‘dalliances’ playing quite a large part in one’s life. It’s fair to say that one has a voracious appetite when it comes to ‘affairs of the heart’, BUT there is a time and a place for such things, and a certain amount of decorum is required.

Having cyber sex with someone who may betray or abuse your trust is putting yourself in a most precarious position, and not one you’ll find illustrated in the Kama Sutra...

I draw upon my many years of experience in this delicate arena of ‘in flagrante delicto’, when I advise you, my fellow voracious vixens, to remain vigilant and to stay safe. Online and off!

If someone is asking for some naughty airtime and it’s not in the flesh, politely decline. You don’t exist for anyone else’s entertainment, other than your own! There are all sorts of random weirdos out there - ready and waiting - wanting to slide into more than just your DMs...

Don’t give them access to your airtime, headroom, or bedroom my darlings! If it’s adrenaline-fuelled fun and friskiness that you want to tickle your fancy, there are plenty of specialists sites and clubs out there, with respectful people AND safewords!

Better to be safe than sorry, and a little word to wise: if you’re trending on Twitter you want it to be for good, positive reasons, worthy of re-tweets and comments, and not because everyone is discussing your anatomy and technique in intimate detail! You soooo do NOT want to be renowned for being the lass who puts the c*nt into ‘contortionist’...

Meanwhile, potential cyber-suitors will just have to content themselves with a consolation blast of P!nk’s U + Ur Hand! Hands up who thinks they’re gonna be more than a #DabHand at that?!

And on that rather seminal note my darlings, that brings us to the end of this gal’s pearls and words of wisdom for this month. One does hope that you have found them informative? Educational even?!

Now one is off to work up a sweat, get one’s heart pumping and the endorphins flowing, with a replay of these kick-ass tunes I have been jiving and vibing to whilst scribing! Can’t beat a little seat shimmy, so to speak…

Hope they get your creative juices flowing and adrenaline pumping! Toodles my darlings. Until next time…

Mwaah..

Lady P’s Blood Sweat and No Tears #BST Playlist #VibeAndScribe

RESPECT - Aretha Franklin
Independent Women - Destiny’s Child
Sex Crime 1984 - Eurythmics
Do It Again - Steely Dan
Come Undone - Duran Duran
U + Ur Hand - P!nk
I Am Woman - Helen Reddy
I’m Every Woman - Chaka Khan
Express Yourself - Madonna
Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper
Roar - Katy Perry
I’m Still Standing - Elton John