Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Your bank balance is in desperate need of a cash influx, and PRONTO! There is no way on earth are you going to reach the end of this month’s pay packet without enduring some serious hardship! You need to go on army manoeuvres, NOW! Sell off any unwanted old crap on eBay/Gumtree/local boot sales - or, whisper it - unwanted Christmas pressies! Start rationing those leftover treats and alcohol from Christmas, and get all smart ‘n’ strategic with your social events’ planning; stay-at-home events are ESSENTIAL. But above all else - and for the love of humanity (and dignity) - please do NOT, repeat NOT, resort to opening an OnlyFans account! We can guarantee the stigma is something you will NEVER recover from and will live on in your house of regrets until the end of days! Try to make it to February with a little dignity dahhling. #DontBeShameless
You failed to milk your moment in the spotlight, and so we have to ask THAT question: ”For the love of fashion, why, oh WHY?” All those Christmas and New Year parties were your moment to shine and have the world praise your fashion credentials, but on this ever so important matter, you absolutely bombed, and in spectacular fashion, making your coveted ‘fashionista’ status null and void! FFS sweetie…it’s time to regroup, lick those wounds, stop feeling sorry for yourself and then get your head back in the game. There’s going to be more than one coronation happening in 2023, so let’s begin the quest to regain that fashion crown! #QueenBee
As the new year kicks off, it’s fair to say that you’ve become a busy little bee and your home a hive of activity. Your mantra for 2023 is all about productivity. You producing a clean and tidy home - tasty meals in the kitchen, beautiful flowers in the garden etc, etc. Just remember to schedule in some essential productivity in the bedroom- not only the quality-sleep variety but also some of the X-rated variety - all work and no play makes Pisces a very lonely fish, stuck in a bowl, with nowhere to go and no one to play with - now you don’t want to be going round and around in circles, do you? Keep being a busy bee, but NOT too busy! No one likes a busybody, and you don’t want the persona of a complete and utter bloody bore! #OhBeehiveYourself
You long to be the star of the show again - but what’s stopping you? Your usual RAMbunctious, bull-at-a-gate stance has evaporated into thin air, and you need to restore it immediately. Grab that wannabe-rampaging ram by the horns, so to speak, and yank it back to its rightful owner - YOU! Then sweetie, the confidence, desire, determination, and stamina will flow once more, elevating you back on to that glorious stage, allowing you to shine and be fabulous once more. Get ready to draw back the curtains and show the world who you are…a leading wo/man and not just part of the ensemble. It’s now or never Aries, so don’t waste 2023 with your usual bull$hit - else it will have RAMifications - so STOP faffing around! #GetYourHeadInTheGame
Cast your gaze all around whilst looking for inspiration. There’s so much on offer, so many things to do, places to go, people to see, both new and old. And guess what sweetie? It’s out there for EVERYONE, just waiting to be discovered. All you need to do is grab it with both hands, embrace it and bloody well enjoy it! Don’t pass up the great possibilities and opportunities that life has to offer by being a Nelly know-it-all, ‘been there - seen it - done that’ kinda person! That sort of attitude is a fast track heading straight to a superiority complex disorder. So take your head out of your ar$e, FAST, and open your eyes and mind to the wider world around you! #SmugnessIsSoUnattractive
Your usual logical brain has been hijacked by the bull$hit fairies and, to be honest Gemini, you’re being a total tw*t for allowing them! STOP living in fantasy land and revisit planet Earth IMMEDIATELY before that grey matter finally explodes, shooting a million and one bloody daft ideas and opinions through the air, quite possibly maiming your nearest and dearest - though to be honest sweetie, they will probably be hugely relieved to see you drain the brain swamp. So brace yourself and be prepared for it to be inhabited once more, with rational thoughts and facts! Remember: Opinions are like ar$eholes - everybody has one, and they all stink! #NoRansomRequiredAsNormalBusinessHasResumed
Stop hibernating and come out of your shell Cancer…and for that matter, get those crab-like pincers ready to grab life by the cojones and give it your best shot! You’ve been MIA for quite some time - your friends and family have missed the fun and laughter that usually comes as part and parcel of your friendly personality. Stop being a grumpy old so-and-so and embrace everything that 2023 has to offer - and if there’s not much on offer - create opportunities yourself. Throw some wild parties, arrange some fun day trips or book an exotic holiday. Just do SOMETHING other than languish in a miserable existence! #GiveUsTheOldRazzleDazzle
Surrender yourself to the dark side Leo - there’s no escaping for you. You’ve tried all the new year, new you bull$hit…healthy eating, exercise, meditation and dry January, but HELLOOOO??? WTAF? January is depressing enough as it is, with everyone cash poor after the festive season. And now the hoity-toity, anti-fun brigade keep preaching that an ‘alcohol- & naughty treats-free’ lifestyle is THE only way to go. Don't they realise people still have fruit cake, tins of posh biscuits, After Eights, selection boxes, cheese, crackers, and the remnants of the Quality Street left? Not to mention the Baileys Irish Cream, Advocaat, Malibu and Sherry that NO-ONE wanted at the time, but now it’s suddenly looking rather desirable! Take a leaf out of your grandparents’ book ~ ‘Waste not, want not’ ~ we’re in a cost of living crisis. Time to be creative and pragmatic. #NeedsMust
Your actions impact others around you, so remember that next time you decide to throw a human hand grenade into the next family/social gathering. Bad/bitchy/sneaky or downright hurtful behaviour is NOT acceptable, and you need to keep your $hit stirring personality under control. It might be amusing for you to witness the fallout from your nasty little digs or constant gaslighting but just remember this - if you keep alienating everybody around you with your appalling behaviour and toxic tongue, then soon enough there will be no one left to pi$$ off or offend. You’ll end up sad, alone, AND lonely, with no one to blame but yourself! #DontWannaBeAllByMyself
Don’t sit back and watch all your plans for 2023 go up in smoke. You have a tendency to ‘talk the talk’ but you never quite manage to ‘walk the walk’. If you want to be successful then make sure your plans and goals are realistic, and not just some bull$hit pie in the sky dreams ‘n’ schemes, which are sure to crash and burn spectacularly - that’s if you can be bothered to put them into practice! For once in your life, try the sensible approach and tackle one goal at a time, one step at a time, instead of the usual hodge podge of mess ‘n’ mayhem you manage to find yourself knee-deep in. Every. Single. Bloody. Time! #OrganisationIsNotMyForte
Household chores are so NOT on your agenda Scorpio. You’re not feeling the love for cleaning. You’re channelling your inner ‘fu*k it’ mode and can’t be bothered with anything that requires strenuous or physical strength. The Christmas decorations are left gathering dust and they run a real risk of still being on display come Easter. Well sweetie, it’s time to snap out of that funk and pull yourself together. We all have to do things we don’t like, but acting like a sulky teenager who’s been denied something trivial is taking things to another level, which cannot even be measured on the ‘How much of a tw*t am I being?’ scale. #LazyAndIKnowIt
After the $hit show that was 2022, what makes you think you’re qualified to give others sound advice? Especially when you refused to accept help from others who were concerned that you were about to run off the rails, and go into a complete meltdown. You fu*ked up in more ways than one sweetie, and now you have the audacity to bestow your great wisdom upon others. Honestly sweetie, you need to get a grip and be realistic. The only agony in ‘agony aunt’ that you can relate to is the agony your potential advice might cause others. So put a sock in it, and - here’s a novel idea - rather than dishing out naff advice - try asking for, listening to, and graciously accepting it instead! #EnageTheBrainBeforeTheGob