It takes two to tango Sagittarius - well actually, there are some things you can do on your own, but it’s a LOT more fun with a partner, aka a real human being as opposed to your own fair hand or ‘BOB’ (battery operated buddy)! Without getting too down and dirty sweetie, the ‘sanitised’ explanation would be that, yes, you can achieve pleasure under your own steam which can be a satisfying experience, but boy oh boy does ‘sexy time’ take on a whole new meaning when there is someone else to hand, so to speak, who knows how to press your buttons and does it oh so well!!! However, in this day and age, discerning beggars CAN be choosers, and sometimes you need to take your thrills however, wherever, AND whenever you can get them! #WhateverWorksForYou

You are not making much headway on the tasks at hand because you keep getting distracted and sucked in by all the bull$hit and shenanigans on social media. For the love of humanity - switch that Wi-Fi off and concentrate on what’s happening in the real world. Who gives a crap about forensically analysing the latest claptrap on reality TV shows, or trying to stay abreast of world events that are totally out of your control; and don’t get us started on the endless narcissistic selfies, ’my dinner tonight’ photos or the toe-curling, fishing-for-sympathy, attention-seeking posts, which can only beg that one, godawful, eye-rolling response of: “R u ok hun? Inbox me”! #BewareTheSocialMediaVortex

You are becoming overwhelmed with the amount of stuff you need to do in order to create the ‘perfect Christmas’ that the TV and social media brigade have brainwashed you into believing you must achieve so that a very jolly time can be had by all. Well listen up buttercup, f*ck ‘em and f*ck all their ridiculous (overpriced) suggestions. Christmas is whatever you want it to be and not what others tell you it should be. If you want to mooch around in your well-worn comfies all day, knee-deep in useless gifts, chugging wine from the bottle while Mariah belts out the Christmas tunes - then who are we to judge?! ‘You do you’ sweetie, and leave the know-it-alls to carry on all the bull$hit without you! #HoHoF*ckingHo

Go big or go home! It’s time to supersize EVERYTHING Pisces! Decorations, gifts, food and plonk. Dress to impress and flash that cash sweetie because that is how you will attract the fake friends, fickle family and clingers on who love to party, but at your expense with you being the gullible idiot. You will either bask in the perverse glory of knowing that you’re being played and taken for a tw*t, or you can find the gumption to tell them to f*ck off and fund their own festive frolicking. Be extravagant as much as you want, but do it for YOU, and you alone, because it’s what you actually want and not what others expect or hope you’ll do. #ExploitingLittleF*ckers

A relationship is damaged beyond all repair. Trust has been completely lost and there is NO going back. What were the makers of Celebration thinking of by removing Bounty bars from its tubs this Christmas. How f*cking dare they! And furthermore, why can’t the 39% of people polled who don’t like Bounty just give them to someone who does! It’s not rocket science, people! Grow the f*ck up and stop namby pambying consumers. And more to the point…who the f*ck were these people who were polled, and why do their (minority) preferences count for more than the 61% who do love a bit of coconut at Christmas? What happened to the majority rule and what happened to democracy? Much as we love a big purple one, in this instance, we can only think of those purple-headed bellends banishing the Bounty! #GiveMeBackMyBounty

Even though you are known as the bull and are usually quite bullish - it’s time to adopt your inner peacemaker because deep down, as sure as night follows day, the $hit WILL hit the fan over the next few weeks as alcohol is introduced into the workplace and pi$$ed up colleagues will require some delicate handling, especially the ‘alcohol amateurs’ who only let loose at this time of year. They’re likely to ‘let rip’ and press the big red button ensuring a nuclear fallout that will last well into the new year! Thank goodness for all those bank holidays for much needed recovery time! $hit sticks and so does a bad reputation, especially one that’s earned by bad behaviour. Don’t forget - there’s guilt by association, so don’t get tarred by the same brush! #PartyResponsibly

Embrace your inner diva by demanding and expecting THE best Christmas and New Year celebrations ever! You want to be dazzled, pampered, and spoiled rotten with a side order of va va voom, and then some!! It’s only once a year and after the madness has died down, you will box up those diva characteristics and put them away until such an occasion calls for them being unleashed once more. Nobody likes or can handle that sort of behaviour from you long term - you’re not a complete f*ckwit, so deploy those diva tactics sparingly in case you completely pi$$ off everyone who crosses your path! #DivaDamageLimitationRequired

‘Tis the season to get your glam on Cancer. Dust off the party wear and polish the jewels but under NO circumstances sweetie do you embarrass yourself by sporting the biggest crime against festive fashion - the Christmas jumper! Nobody looks sexy in them, no matter how hot you think you are; and furthermore, if you are looking to attract a possible suitor - then for the love of Cupid - step away from the wool and knitwear! You have been warned and you will only have yourself to blame should a possible love encounter snag on it, making you unravel before their very eyes, but in a most ungainly fashion. The only acceptable place to wear one of these monstrosities is to keep warm in the privacy of your own home, preferably with no witnesses to capture this sartorially sad event! #GuiltySecretSantaJumper

You’ve neglected the most important person during the manic run up to Christmas: YOU! By focusing far too much on what everyone else requires you have forgotten about yourself Leo; instead you’ve taken up the unwanted position of ringmaster to this entire $hit show, AND do you know what? It’s entirely of your own making. Wo/man the f*ck up now and start putting yourself first. The all-important question that needs answering ASAP is: “what do you want?” Figure this out fast sweetie and implement it before things get totally out of hand, otherwise you’ll be ending up totally resentful, disillusioned and completely unappreciated for all the time and effort you’ve put in. #PutYourselfFirstNotLast

Your usual happy-go-lucky, ray of f*cking sunshine personality has ended up with the ‘thou shalt not take $hit any more’ mantra finally being adopted and deployed. You have put up with others walking all over you, talking down to you, and taking you for a mug for far too long - that $hit stops NOW! High five yourself for finally growing a pair of supersized balls sweetie and celebrate in style. Try a daily toast to yourself with your favourite tipple - tea is a tipple too you know - as a reward for reinforcing the mantra every day. That way Virgo, you can make sure you don’t slip back into bad habits and become a fool this Yule... #DontTakeMeForAFool

Your workplace unfortunately is awash with idiots and morons, who every day drone on about the same old bull$hit, come what may. Oh how you long to shout from the top of your voice, “let’s keep the dumbf*ckery to a minimum today please.” Alas dear Libra, they wouldn’t pay attention long enough to hear your wise words, so it’s probably best to keep schtum, avoid a workplace disciplinary, and with smugness, keep those thoughts to yourself as they whinge and whine about the most boring mundane drivel that slips out of their mouths before they have time to engage the brain before operating their mouths, like the complete knobheads they are! #DontEngageWithThePlebs

Christmas comes but once a year and thank f*ck for that. The next few weeks will see you fuelled by caffeine as chaos ensues. Just don’t join the ever-increasing queue of gullible fools sucked into the festive vortex, losing their collective $hit as they faff over every single aspect of this one special day, in minute, soul-crushing, bank-balance-busting detail! The amount of time, energy and money - not to mention the head space - that people give to this is verging on the utterly bonkers. SPOILER ALERT: The world won’t implode if your Christmas bears more of a resemblance to a scene from the comedic Royle Family (a legendary British comedy series to the uninitiated), rather than the Royal Family! Tho those British royals are renowned for their rather frugal, comedic even, gift-giving to each other! #DoChristmasYourWay