Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Leo

You are being far too generous when splashing the cash, particularly on people who don’t bloody deserve it. You may be the king of the jungle Leo, but remember sweetie, kings only bestow gifts upon the worthy. You cannot buy love, respect or loyalty, so don’t even try. It’s a complete waste of time that's both soul-destroying and very, very costly! Wise up or risk being manipulated and taken on the ride of your life by shallow knobheads, aka lowlives and other bottom feeders who reside on the lower spectrum of the scale in how we measure the basic requirements of behaving like a decent human being! And breathe… #AvoidHumansBehavingBadly

Virgo

You may have the gift of the gab, but unfortunately Virgo, sometimes that big old runaway gob of yours does tend to land you in hot water. As clever and articulate you believe you are - rest assured, you CANNOT talk yourself out of every situation, sticky or otherwise! Sometimes it is wise to show a little humility or self-deprecation and know when to bow out gracefully, especially before things take a turn for the worse and the $hit hits the fan, leaving you in a precarious position that could escalate into an ugly situation, just because you didn’t have the gumption or self-awareness to close that mighty mouthpiece of yours! #JustBecauseYouCanDoesntMeanYouShould

Libra

You love being a shoulder to cry on for your nearest and dearest, HOWEVER, if this continues at its present rate of knots then unfortunately sweetie, you are going to be bogged down by the heavy weight of emotional and mental fatigue, not to mention drowning under ten tonnes of snot, snivel and tears. It could be quite the catastrophe with you sinking to the bottom of the ‘touchy, feely knackers yard’, where you will either be given some much needed support and TLC, or, more than likely, a bloody big kick up the arse with strict instructions to wise up and to stop taking everyone else's problems on board. Put your own sanity and emotional wellbeing first - just for once! #SelfCareIsNotSelfish

Scorpio

It’s time to shake things up, have a little fun, and live dangerously. STOP being a boring old fuddy duddy, throw caution to the wind and take a big step out of your comfort zone by trying something new and different. Life is full of possibilities and you need to start a new adventure. Now there’s no need to go wild, abandoning all common sense and dignity with a totally OTT display of ridiculous party style antics, just to prove a point. The aim is to have fun and make special memories, just not the embarrassing kind, you know? The ones that continue to haunt you for the rest of your life…! #ProceedWithCaution

Sagittarius

You are one happy camper Sagittarius. Life is pretty hunky dory at the moment so don’t go rocking the boat by pulling ridiculous stunts, causing trouble or interfering in things that don’t concern you. This will without a doubt result in you turning your calm and orderly world upside down, or in the worst case scenario, you render yourself utterly helpless as you have to sit back and watch everything go tits up, AND to top it all off, your rosy, cosy life starts to implode. Strong and steady wins the race! What you do NOT need is to navigate a sprint littered with hurdles and other obstacles every few steps! #NoDramasNoProblemsNoTrouble

Capricorn

Take deep breaths, count to 10, and if that doesn’t work to calm you down, then just f*cking explode! Volcano style - spewing hot lava in the direction of the cockwombles and f*ckwits, warning them to stay AWAY from you if they don’t want to get a) at best, singed, or b) at worst, incinerated on the spot! It’s come to the point where this old goat will no longer put up with idiots and the like. It’s safe to say your tolerance levels have well and truly peaked and you are not in the market for altering those levels - nor replacing them…f*ck that! AND furthermore, if that’s unacceptable to certain individuals - well Capricorn - you know the drill! And so will they by the end of the day… #MyLifeMySanityMyRules

Aquarius

You usually roll with the punches, but lately you’re feeling more than pi$$ed off with having to ‘shut up and put up’ with people - nay knobheads - who are getting on your nerves with their ‘challenging’ behaviour. You struggle to cope with the ‘woe is me’ brigade and long to tell them to chuff off, but by being the bigger, better, diplomatic person and (for once) acting like a grown up, you keep a tight lid on the pent up anger and frustration. Just a teeny tiny word of caution though Aquarius, sometimes the anger and frustration escapes and when it does - those cockwombles will need to give you a wide berth! #TreadCarefullyInMyPresence

Pisces

You have a message to convey to the world, but don’t be surprised sweetie if nobody actually gives a flying f*ck, thanks to being drowned out by every other attention-seeker online, screaming out for clicks, demanding “look at me everyone, or listen to what I have to say because I am so knowledgeable and important!” Really? Get a grip lovely and wind your neck back in. Sigh…Yes you are entitled to your opinion, but opinions are feelings - they are NOT facts, and however much you think they matter, when all is said and done, they do NOT trounce facts - period - end of! So with that in mind, make sure that what you say is factually correct or someone may justifiably tell you to shut the f*ck up! #InsufferableKnowItAll

Aries

Put your career path on cruise control and enjoy the summer. Take time out to relax or become a social butterfly and party hard until you get it out of your system, then you can resume your plans to reach the top of the work ladder. All work and no play makes Aries a dull ram, rendering you a complete bore in the eyes of your nearest and dearest, so take the plunge and dive into a fun-filled few weeks. Be free, be frivolous, be fabulous, and be so absolutely f*cked by the end of it all, that you’re left absolutely begging for the return to the normality and formality of a full working week! #ActivateYourInnerPartyAnimal

Taurus

As bullish as you can be, you are so sick and tired of bull($hit). It’s exhausting, it’s exasperating, and it’s sucking the life out of you. Maybe take a step back and retreat into a world of calm, relaxation and positivity while you try and restore the batteries and get that bull$hit-o-meter back down to zero before you are ready to face the world once more. Find and restore your tolerance button, and then dear Taurus, you will discover that everyday events won’t continue to bug the crap out of you to the point where you fantasise about telling offending bull$hitters to not so politely go peddle their crap elsewhere! #ToleranceIsMySuperpower

Gemini

You are moving into uncharted territory when meeting people for the first time, so PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!! Be friendly, be approachable, but also stay alert. You have absolutely NO idea whatsoever how others will respond to you, nor how you will respond to them, especially if they are complete and utter numpties spouting undiluted bull$hit! You have no desire to listen to their crap; so if you are losing the will to live Gemini, take yourself out of the situation before tempers boil over and you say something you regret. Once vitriolic words leave your mouth, they cannot be unsaid nor forgotten! #PlayNice

Cancer

Your powers of seduction are exceptionally strong, with people very quickly falling under your charismatic spell. Seize these moments to manipulate situations and get what you want, because we know all too well - from bitter experience Cancer - that this won’t last long because your crabby mood will raise its ugly head and the spell will be broken once more! Just remember, when opportunity knocks, you answer the door bloody pronto, invite it in, and - if you find even the smallest of openings - shoehorn yourself in and capitalise on it, because if you don’t exploit it to the max, you can bet someone else will! #SeizeTheDay