April 2023

Lady P - April 2023

Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

Greetings my darling readers! One has been informed that this month’s issue is about ‘titanium’. For one gorgeous nano-second, one half expected to be shipped off to some exotic place to see how it is mined before being made into jewellery!

Alas, one was soon disabused of this, only to be told that actually, ‘the powers that be’, aka Emma the boss lady herself, was referring to the song - Titanium - and that the message for this issue was about ‘finding inner strength and becoming bulletproof’.

Okey dokey - one can most definitely work with that scenario and not a single tantrum in sight. I am becoming SUCH the grown-up these days! So get the old thinking cap on Dita. “Hmmm. How can we spin this to make sure that one’s feature is, as always, a font of information, awash with life lessons, and an absolute must read, with more than a little salacious goss thrown in for good measure, obvs?!?!?!”

After lengthy discussions with the gorgeous gaggle of gals at EH HQ, we agreed that one would sign up to an ‘inner strength bootcamp’ - not to be confused with the army type ones, more's the pity…One could quite easily - and happily - take part in some heave ho with all those hunky soldiers. Again…

However, one has learnt that, by broadening one’s horizons and having an open mind, the world can be a gal’s oyster with unexpected adventures to be found where one would least expect to find them. So on that optimistic note - sign me up pronto!

The bootcamp brochure looked pretty impressive, asking such probing questions as “Do you want to remain relaxed and unfazed when judged or criticised by others?” “Hell yes” was my exuberant reply, not least because I absolutely need to grow a thicker skin, if only for resisting the onslaught of Daddy’s daily jibes and asides.

Or, “Do you want to know who you are without needing validation from others?” Abso-bloody-lutely. To hell with what others think of me. This will only strengthen one’s resolve in becoming the all new and improved Dita (2023 model).

I wholeheartedly checked off each item they promised to deliver on their checklist:

  • Help create better relationships…✓
  • Overcome obstacles preventing you from focusing on the important things in life…✓
  • Speak one’s own mind without fear of ridicule or rejection…✓
  • Understand what makes you tick, thus enabling you to change anything that doesn’t work for you…✓
  • Stay strong in what you believe and want from life…✓
  • Learn how to deal with an ever-changing and unpredictable world…BIG ✓✓✓

Sign me up pronto Tonto & now let’s fast forward to a life-changing two weeks later…

Well my darlings, you are probably wondering how one’s latest ‘escapade’ went.
Did I find my inner strength?
AND, is Dita now bulletproof?
Here goes…

Just wait for the starting pistol …
Are you ready?
Get set…
Go Dita, go!!!

Exploding out of the blocks, like a hound that’s just seen the rabbit…and dare I say that one was rather hopeful that this wasn’t the only thing to be exploding this week…one is forever hopeful that one might encounter a like-minded member of the opposite sex and fellow seeker on this confidence-building mission, ready, willing and able to explore one’s body, mind and soul - with particular emphasis on corporeal matters!

I know, I know. Don’t look at me or roll your eyes like that! I know I promised that my focus would no longer linger on frivolous liaisons, however, one is a red-blooded woman after all. One is not entirely made of wood, despite what Daddy says about my brains, or supposed lack of…

Anyway, I digress…

The boot camp was more than a little enlightening. A revelation even! I learned many new skills, uncovering strengths I didn’t know existed, which have led to one becoming more confident, more assertive, and FAR less inclined to give a second thought to people’s ‘opinions’ of me - whether they have the balls to do that to one’s face, or take the coward’s way out by sniping and gossiping behind one’s back.

In fact you could say that I am now pretty much bulletproof, WITHOUT the need for a kevlar vest being shoehorned into one's daily outfits! This is quite the bonus as those ‘vests’ aren’t the most stylish of items, nor do they show off one’s ample assets to their best advantage! #GetTheBigGunsOut

Set in idyllic surroundings one was set to work on an ‘inner strength diary’, designed to keep me on my toes (so to speak) - accountability and all that jazz! Although a momentary ‘indiscretion’, or lapse even, meant that one did pair off with a rather dashing fellow ‘inner strength seeker’, culminating in one’s ‘inner strength’ being reinforced rather vigorously - and literally - when we were supposed to be ‘at one, communing with nature’. It’s not my fault I took his offer to role play Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden all the way to its literal and inevitable conclusion of succumbing to temptation. What can a gal say? The spirit is strong, yet the flesh is still a little weak…

Anyway, I digress…

Alongside that diary exercise, one learned important strategies about how people treat each other with the respect one deserves and vice versa.

This was a highly valuable lesson in one’s humble opinion, further strengthening one’s mantra of “treat me good, I’ll treat you better, treat me bad and I’ll treat you worse”! Hell hath no fury like a Lady scorned and yes, I know I’m supposed to be the bigger, better person blah, blah, blah. However, this new and improving Dita is no longer quite the pushover she once was (as per Dita’s intentions earlier this year, for 2023 and beyond).

Other equally illuminating lessons learned from this eye-opening week of self-discovery included how to trust one’s instincts and exploring one’s ability to take (better) care of oneself. All of which highlights that one’s yearning to ‘find a man (any man?) to take care of me’ as the fairytale poppycock and nonsense it is! Those princesses and knights in shining armour stories really have an awful lot to answer for. No shame in us gals wanting to enjoy a ride in our own right!! Not before time I say! I’m more than ready, willing, and able to get straddling, to crack one’s whip and to ‘giddy up’!

Dita’s Declaration of Independence

From this moment henceforth, one is going to ‘become the woman a man needs, not the woman that needs a man’. One may have certain other ‘needs’ that require looking after de temps en temps but one can most definitely stand on one’s own two feet and take care of oneself.

This Lady P ‘leopard’ is determined to change her spots, earn her stripes, reincarnating to embrace her inner spirit animal - the tigress. Grrrr! What’s new pussycat?!

  • I am fearless
  • I am grateful
  • I am powerful
  • I am confident
  • I am beautiful
  • I am sexy
  • I am strong
  • I am invincible
  • I am courageous
  • I am independent (ish!)
  • I am phenomenal
  • I am woman
  • I am a Lady
  • I am Lady P
  • And I am bulletproof!!

Be happy and fabulous my darling readers and one can heartily recommend this course, or others like it, to help you find your inner strength and become bulletproof…nothing to lose…fire away, fire away…

See you next month - tho who knows where I’ll be, now that it looks like there’ll be a spare seat next to the (self-proclaimed) ‘spare’ at the Coronation…

Oh for crying out loud. Listen to me. What am I like?!? Old habits really do die hard!! Focus Dita, focus!! I don’t know whether to go hug a tree or seek out ‘Adam’. Or both. I mean come on. No one is made (entirely) of wood. Then again… Now where did I put Adam’s number! Oh dear. I really am an incorrigible work in progress, aren’t I?!

Toodles darlings,

Mwah xxx

lady p signature


P.S. darling gals at EH HQ - you’ll never believe it. At my bootcamp, we did an overview of ‘manifestations’. And I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been hiding a talent for soothsaying?!

I revisited my journal from a few months ago, where my thoughts often turn to poetry, and I stumbled upon this little ‘Coronation couplet’!

There once was a prince so ginger
Who came out as a boorish whinger
Despite seeking solace
With his low-rental Wallis
Hope they daren’t show their faces at Windsor

Ok, so perhaps only half of my wish has materialised, but I think I could be on to something. I can see just myself as a poetic fortune teller, bedecked with bangles. Anyone needs me, I am perusing some crystal balls and ‘getting my chakras realigned’…

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