Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You’re trying to pretend that things are ok when under the surface a volcano is about to erupt, with your potty mouth spewing out expletives like molten lava! And about bloody time!! You should be incandescent with rage at the awful $hit show the last month has been - especially with people ramming their opinions down your throat, telling you what to do, say or feel. Well here’s a heads up Aries, if anyone is to do any ramming, it should damn well be you! STOP being such a pushover or a human doormat and start telling people to back the f*ck off, otherwise, they’ll be sorry they didn’t pay attention when you go on the rampage! #NoRetreatNoSurrender
Exactly how much bull$hit are you prepared to listen to until you actually realise it is ALL bull$hit AND, for that matter, call it out for the bull$hit that it is?! You Taurus, of all the star signs should be able to spot a little bit of BS when it presents itself to you, so do yourself a great big favour, wise up pronto, and smell the coffee/BS!! Give disingenuous people a wide berth before you end up being buried under a ton of big, smelly, suffocating bull$hit. Take the bull$hitters by the horns and dump them, along with all the other toxic tw*ts on the planet - don’t give them any headspace - not even at the back of your mind - leave them to it, where they are insignificant and nobody gives a f*ck who they are, what they do, or what they say! #TheMindIsAPowerfulThing
Your social life is buzzing and it’s non-stop party central at your place. The only problem being Gemini is that you run the risk of burnout - BIG TIME! Take it easy sweetie! There’s 365 days in a year to play with. You don’t have to cram everything into the first few months, inevitably ending up in the knackers yard, in a not-so-posh version of rehab/health spa - aka sunlounger, a carton of OJ and a Lush bath bomb - because unfortunately, The Priory is waaaay out of your financial league due to your excessive spending to fund your latest shenanigans. It’s time to press pause on your ‘party persona’ and learn the meaning of ‘EVERYTHING IN MODERATION’! #PaceYourself
Double and triple check before you seize an opportunity that looks too good to be true - because you know what sweetie? Nine times out of ten they are too bloody good to be true. Trust that gut instinct when alarm bells start ringing and that inner voice is screeching “Whoa - slow the f*ck down and back the f*ck off” - take a much-needed time out before you rush headlong into a scam that has BIG - i.e. potentially devastating - consequences. Go over it with a fine tooth comb because there’s always a loophole; something in the small print, or a hidden agenda that renders the opportunity shaky at best, or positively dangerous at worst! #FoolsRushInWhereAngelsFearToTread
Regardless of the precarious situations you might find yourself in, whether they be intentional or unintentional, just remember that you, and only you, can get yourself out of them. When the $hit hits the fan, YOU have to clean up your mess and stop relying upon others to do it for you. You are a big boy/girl now and it’s time for mummy to stop wiping your tushie! How on earth do you expect to navigate life when every time things go tits up, you go running in search of the grown ups to rescue you from yet ANOTHER disaster?! Lions are at the top of the food chain Leo, so stop skulking at the bottom of it, waiting for tidbits to be thrown your way. It’s time to take back control, with a throat-rattling, life-affirming roar and reclaim your place in the spotlight. #BeStrongAndCourageous
Your to-do list grows bigger and bigger by the day because - to put it in a nutshell Virgo, even as the zodiac’s uber neat & clean ‘freak’ - you’ve become a lazy old git of late! You’ve been putting things off until tomorrow, and when tomorrow comes, you repeat the cycle. This results in you having a dirty home, dirty clothes AND a dirty mind, especially when the words ‘clean’, ‘tidy’ and ‘organise’ become dirty words. Now is the time for you to hoist your arse off the sofa and do some work before you end up festering in a pile of crap and filth of your own making. Not the most inviting of environments for friends and loved ones who recently have been giving you and your unhomely home a very wide berth! If you’re overwhelmed, confide in a friend, and ask for some help to get you back on track. #TidyHouseTidyMind
You are failing to wind-down from workweek mode and it is impacting BIG time on your weekend downtime. All work and no play makes Scorpio a dull person to be around! We are not suggesting you go out and cane it, get pi$$ed up and party like it’s the end of the world, but do lighten up sweetie and go have yourself some fun. Go out, socialise, be at one with nature - whatever floats your boat. Just unbolt your bloody backside from the comfort of the sofa and do something, ANYTHING that does not involve you lounging around with a remote control, a phone, or a tablet in your hand #UnplugAndLiveALittle
You are inundated with work, BUT - according to you - that means the place where you work, you know, the one you call your ‘real job’. You’re way too important and busy to deal with trivial, domestic duties on the homefront. Well here’s a quick and friendly heads up so you don’t offend or incur more wrath from your nearest and dearest - “Get off your friggin’ high horse you pretentious numpty, wind your neck in and get stuck in with the household chores with the rest of the people who live under the same roof as you!” You’re not allergic, nor immune to cleaning so why the f*ck should others clean up after you?! Wise up sweetie and get stuck in before you get served your eviction notice! #LazyNarcissist
There is some tide-turning news on the horizon and you had better be prepared. This is gonna hit you for six, not least because you were not expecting it. But - proceed with caution - as this can only go one of two ways. Either you were expecting good news, but unfortunately the $hit hits the fan in spectacular style throwing chaos EVERYWHERE you look, and you running around like a headless chicken trying to clean up the fallout! OR…You are expecting bad news but it actually turns out to be some stupendous, well-deserved bit of luck, leaving you euphoric, sporting a great big $hit-eating grin, thinking what the f*ck just happened there?! Just pray Sagittarius that the news you get is the latter! #50/50LifeLottery
Other people’s power trips and delicate egos are not your concern sweetie. Now we’re not saying no f*cks should be given to everyone you encounter, however, once you start pandering to people full of self-importance, constantly looking for validation, then quite frankly you run the risk of becoming their bitch! That’s a BIG FAT No! And do you know why it’s a ‘no’? Because Capricorns are natural leaders, have high standards and can be super critical! So armed with those important nuggets of info, please bear them in mind when dealing with egotistical megalomaniacs, learning how to put them firmly and neatly back in their box once and for all! #KnowYourPeckingOrderPlace
Firm boundaries need putting in place pronto to deter those who regularly take the pi$$ out of them and overstep the mark. NO excuses! NO exceptions! Rules are rules sweetie, and you need to step up to the plate, grow a set of BIG balls and impose them NOW! Don't forget to enforce them, no matter how much people push against them and try to invade your space. Guard those boundaries, defend them with everything you’ve got, and rule your mini kingdom with an iron fist to keep the f*ckwits firmly on the outside. And that way sweetie, you get to keep your inner sanctum (relatively) free from stress! #RespectMyBoundaries
Two’s company, and three is most definitely a crowd! And even though you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, it’s time to be more assertive and politely tell them their presence is NOT required in your life 24/7. Hopefully, they are not a clueless numpty, will get the message, and back off gracefully. If this fails then it’s time to deploy the more assertive ‘say it as you mean it’ tactics and tell them to simply f*ck off! Job done and home in time for tea with your significant other, leaving you to revel in each other’s company without having to worry about the spare wheel who has been crowding your space of late! #WeWantToBeAlone