Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Cheats NEVER prosper, so STOP cutting corners and using underhand tactics trying to find ways to exploit a situation by pretending to misinterpret the rules. You’re always looking for an outcome that you’re NOT entitled to! You CAN’T win everything, so stop being a manipulative so-and-so, wind your neck in, and take that hit on the chin! You can learn the lessons in life one way or another ~ the hard way, or the right way ~ the choice is yours. Just remember that all-important 7-letter word ~ R E S P E C T. You earn it by acting like a grown-up with morals, not a complete knobhead, hellbent on winning at all costs. #NobodyLikesACheater
You’re sorely tempted to go it alone. By ‘it’ we mean life in general. You’re feeling very strong and super-confident that you can take on anything and everything which life throws at you, without having to be propped up by your nearest and dearest 24/7. BRAVO for having the balls to be so independently decisive, yet for being so completely and utterly foolishly proud at the same time!!! Really sweetie? Have you thought this through properly? Or is it just another pie in the sky bull$hit idea that came to you whilst (over)indulging in a rather large drinkypoo?! We ALL need a little help from time to time, no matter how amazing and resilient we think we are…so stop being a totally proud tool and embrace those around you. #IGetByWithALittleHelpFromMyFriends
Congratulations are in order for successfully surviving a whole month without having to resort to living like an impoverished student, frantically awaiting their next student loan instalment. HOWEVER, for the love of humanity ~ STOP high-fiving yourself you sad tw*t! We know times are tough and the price of EVERYTHING is on the rise ~ so to make it through to your next paycheck unscathed, without having to rob a bank, or set up an OnlyFans page is one hell of an achievement! AND you lived to fight another day with your dignity intact, which is no mean feat in these challenging times! Bravo and take a bow sweetie. Now, just get ready to relive the entire $hit show over again. #RinseRepeat!
You’re finally in a good place and about bloody time too. There’s no point wallowing in self-pity and doing the whole ‘woe is me’ pity pantomime. It’s time to be happy ~ it’s time to have a little fun ~ it’s time to kick a little ass ~ it’s time to rise up and seize the day! No more putting up with bull$hit excuses, being neglected, or left out. There is a ‘Capricorn motto’ your family, friends and fellow humans need to digest ~ NOBODY puts this goat in the corner! And when they understand that, politely inform them that GOAT also stands for: Greatest Of All Time ~ they need to learn their place in your life, and NOT the other way round! #GrabLifeByTheHorns
Make no apologies for spending time working on yourself, because you know what sweetie? Your wellbeing matters most in the grand scheme of things. NO ONE else is going to put you or your feelings and needs first! Let’s face facts ~ us humans are fundamentally selfish! And so you need to remember that when others try to guilt trip you, making you feel bad for not putting their needs and feelings first, wellllll ~ f*ck ‘em! It’s your life and your contentment which needs your focus and some TLC. Fit your own oxygen mask first before trying to help others! Then and ONLY then, can you focus on other people in your life, and come from a position of strength. #SelfishIsntADirtyWord
You need to distinguish between fact and fiction, and by that sweetie we do NOT mean stalking someone’s social media platforms for vital information ~ we all know what someone puts on their profile can be a load of absolute tosh! It’s mostly made up fantasy and porky pies, trying to get you to believe they live a perfect life for others to aspire to, or to envy. See it for the bull$hit it really is! Don’t fall for the crap and don’t be duped. If you want to know whether someone is legit, here’s a suggestion ~ why not try meeting them for real ~ try talking to them in person, and then maybe you will be able to work out for yourself whether they are the real deal! #KnowHowToSpotAPhony
You’re very good at charming people and winning them over with your silver tongue, where compliments just slide off it so very easily. You are one smooth operator sweetie ~ if only you could bottle your personality, patent it, and sell it ~ safe to say that would earn you a $hit ton of money! Just imagine what you could do with your new found wealth? The possibilities are endless! However, that is all just a fantasy and you need to deal with reality~ the moral of this story? Keep being your lovely, charming self, and you will always be surrounded by people who love you, especially when you’re telling them exactly what they want to hear ~ just how wonderful they are! #WeAllLoveACompliment
Experiencing feelings of self doubt? Starting to act like a Negative Nelly? This self-destructive behaviour has got to stop. NOW! Please resist acting like such a pussy and grow a pair! You are a confident and capable person who’s supposed to be bullish (pardon the pun!) Who wants to be a pushover? Keep radiating self-assertiveness and people will instinctively know they can’t take the pi$$ or walk all over you. Once you’ve established the respect of others, that Doubting Thomas voice inside your head will quickly fade away ~ if it doesn’t, politely tell it to fu*k off! That should do the trick! #WhosTheBoss?
You’re hypersensitive sweetie so avoid nasty, bitchy people for the time being ~ perhaps we can suggest a WiFi sabbatical? Now don’t panic, the world won’t suddenly explode overnight if you come off social media for a week or two. It could be just the thing you need to recharge your batteries, to restore some civility and tranquillity back into your life ~ the relentless regime of trying to avoid Twitter spats, Instagram envy and Facebook fights is draining, and taking its troll toll! You are constantly flip-flopping between narcissist and sociopath with every refresh of the screen! Hit aeroplane mode and enjoy some real life. You may be surprised to find you actually enjoy it. Have a break, not breakdown. #ItsOKToTakeABreak
There’s a lot of distance between you and your loved ones, and we’re not talking miles or kilometres. You are all at loggerheads and very divided in your opinions ~ but not on the important stuff such as politics, environment, war/peace, or current affairs. Oh no, you my dahhhling are arguing about the most mundane bull$hit known to wo/man ~ who's going to win Strictly? Will a TikTok account further my career as an influencer? And the pièce de résistance ~ which Love Island contestant do I admire the most? REALLY? What a load of friggin’ tosh! Get a grip sweetie before you end up on Planet Numpty, languishing for all eternity. It’s time to return to the place where the grown ups live! It ain’t ALL bad here on Planet Earth! #WakeUpAndSmellTheCoffee
Treat your body like a temple if you want to encourage others to come and worship! That duckie requires willpower, dedication and discipline. It’s going to be a hard old slog. However, nothing worth having comes easy ~ and a body to die for, combined with a dazzling personality to match, is no exception. Meticulous planning with military precision is needed to achieve a successful outcome ~ put that healthy eating and exercise regime in place PRONTO TONTO ~ get ready to embrace a fabulous, new, sexier, fun-loving version of you ~ replace the lacklustre misery which once inhabited that exhausted body of yours. #LetsDoThis
You have been pondering what direction your love life needs to go ~ our advice would be “just be bloody grateful you have a love life sweetie!” Most people would give anything to have such a dilemma ~ stop wasting precious time, brain space and energy on such a futile exercise ~ just go with the flow. Your love life needs to be spontaneous, unplanned even ~ let’s not start down THAT sorry path! The next step will be you peeking at your other half’s diary to schedule in an evening of strategically-organised, perfectly-timed, rumpy pumpy ~ with mandated outfits, accessories and positions ~ what a complete and utter passion killer! #TheEssenceOfPleasureIsSpontaneity