Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

My darlings, it’s been a rather fabulous month, however, things did get off to rather a confusing start. Now why would that be you may very well ask?!

Well it all began when those darling gals at EH HQ sent an email with a brief outline of one’s next assignment - can I just say right here, right now, for the record, that in my defence it was VERY early and one had had a bit of an impromptu party the night before, therefore one was feeling more than a tad fragile and frightfully fuzzy around the edges. No. NOT those edges…

Upon skimming the email one picked out the line, “a visit to an exclusive club, which specialises in your peccadilloes”...blah, blah, blah…Ok, I get it, one has had enough of that critique already from Daddy, and now one’s employers were pointing out the glaringly obvious as well. Harrrumph!

Putting one’s bruised ego aside, one was mentally prepared as she could ever be, to see it through and had already rehearsed one’s opening line to perfection. “Hello dahhhlings - I’m Lady P. Dita to my friends. I am a shop-a-holic.” So far, so good, non?!

Well you can imagine my discombobulation AND delight when I discovered that the exclusive club dealing with one’s ‘peccadilloes’ had absolutely NOTHING, whatsoever, to do with shopping, and absolutely EVERYTHING to do with S. E. X…

Ohhhh yes, yes, yes! Those fabulous gals at HQ had only managed to snaffle little old Dita an entrée into one of THE most exclusive and famous sex clubs in the UK. Discretion prevents me from naming the club here as it is one of the best kept (open) secrets in select circles. However, if you’re in the know, well then my darling voracious readers, you’ll know what an impressive place it is, and just how hard it is to gain member status, so to speak…

As a connoisseur of, ahem - well I am amongst friends and consenting adults the last time I looked, so let’s be totally frank and just say it as it is - as a connoisseur of sex toys, lotions & potions, and an ever-growing collection of bondage gear, you could say that one was more than prepared for the delights about to come one’s way!

So my ravishing readers, are you ready to step into Dita’s inner sanctum and fantasy world…?

No? Well maybe from this point on it’s best you hit the back button to spare your blushes and heart rate, and you go visit another feature on the magazine - maybe the guided meditation with Joolz Raven Stuart on how to improve your libido, then check back here with me when you’re good and ready…

Yes? Well carry on reading. Things could get more than a little spicy and fruity so buckle up - you have been warned, although I have already run this by Daddy’s lawyers and thankfully they have given me the ok seeing as a) I haven’t named anybody - not that I recognised many, especially in their hoods and masks garb… b) I was merely attending in an ‘observing’ capacity, and c) I didn’t actually take part in any hanky panky, well at least not in public, and none that anyone who signed a watertight NDA will attest to!

Anyway, I digress…

Upon arriving at the club in full Dominatrix attire - when in Rome my darlings - it afforded one more than a little discretion and anonymity to observe proceedings without drawing attention to oneself, plus, the intriguing allure of an ornate face mask always adds a little mystery and a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ when gliding and moving through such niche circles ;-)

Whilst one is fully versed in the art of seduction - that cheeky little side trip from the Ashram, during my gap break in India, was quite the (third) eye opener -, however, nothing had quite prepared me for the scenes unfolding before my eyes. It was kinky fu*kery on overload! Move over Marquis de Sade, and start taking some notes Christian Grey! And just when one thought the Kuma Sutra couldn’t be improved upon…

As one basked in the ambience whilst surveying the scenes (literally) unfolding in the room, one’s eyes popped out upon the sight of oodles of people in varying states of undress, artfully draped over ornate furniture and each other, all lost in the moment, completely captivated and consumed by the lusty pleasures they were experiencing.

I think the only thing that could have broken the hedonistic spell and make the earth move even more than it already was, would have been an earthquake of seismic proportions.

Their enthusiasm and dedication to exploring their many desires knew no bounds, other than the bindings from some rather artful Japanese ‘rope work’, aka Shibari to the cognoscenti... Clearly they felt safe, comfortable and liberated in such an environment, where anything goes, and NOTHING is taboo!

A little confession here darlings - I am still wrestling with what my safe word should be in such a hedonistic environment, as the levels of quirk and kink here surpass even my standards, and I would hate for anything to be dangerously lost in translation!!

Setting such concerns aside, it was time for Dita to go and explore what was on offer, such is one’s diligence when approaching these assignments.

One must say their housekeeping was impeccable with condoms, wet wipes, anti-bac, and tissues aplenty. If sex toys are your bag, well my darlings, it was like finding a Willy Wonka golden ticket and running around the factory with access to EVERYthing. For FREE!

It was like being let loose in a meat shop!! Sorry. I mean sweet shop. Lorks alive. A Freudian slip there my darlings, if ever there were one…

Whatever your kink, there was something to tickle your every fantasy - floggers, whips, handcuffs and other ‘restraints’, masks, hoods, clamps, gags - a veritable cornucopia of kinkiness! Absolutely every possible fetish is catered for, and the attention to detail is most impressive, it’s like being transported to a whole new world…and if you’re on board then beam me up Scotty.

There was a couples’ room, however, I can neither confirm or deny whether one decided to go in and take a closer look to try out its facilities. Well at least that’s what the lawyers are insisting I write. Although I think you know me well enough by now my darling readers, so I will not elaborate further, and I shall just leave it there, to let your minds and febrile imagination fill in the gaps, so to speak…

I did briefly pop down to the dungeons, which was a sight to behold, which startled this relative newbie to the scene. Some of the BDSM play equipment looked more like torture devices from the medieval age, the like of which I’d only ever seen in museums. In Amsterdam. And Hamburg…

One was completely transfixed by the Dungeon Masters and Mistresses as they showed the willing punters how to work some of the more complicated devices, whilst giving advice on the how-tos and what-nots.

It’s fair to say that, whilst one doesn’t have a Degree in BDSM or Fetish, majoring in Kink, one does possess an A-Level in Hanky Panky with enough of a kinky grounding - or should that be grinding - to keep up with the movers and shakers, if you know what I mean?!

Besides all the other treats, kinks, and quirks in this den of delights, one stumbled, literally, upon their orgy room. However, this Lady does not like to share, and furthermore, one always likes to be the main event so to speak, so I gave that room an extra wide berth. And to be honest, it's excruciating enough watching one’s pals play rugby, what with all that tackling, scrum downs, and line outs with a tangle of limbs everywhere - it’s not exactly the prettiest of sights, and even less in this instance when you factor in participants in varying states of undress, with their ‘bits and bobs’ flying about all over the place.

Or as Daddy would so fruitily put it, “if I wanted to see that many pr*cks and c*nts under one roof, I’d go to the Members of Parliament bar in Westminster”.

So let’s just diplomatically agree that it did not make for pretty viewing. Unless entangled limbs and genitalia are your ‘thing’...

There were many other theme rooms for the kink-curious people who had certain needs and predilections they wished to indulge, or specific activities and costume-wearing ‘scenes’ to explore.

One does love to dress up - it’s such an escape from reality, where one can become a different person, with a new and exciting role to play. On this occasion, one was here in a professional capacity and already dressed for the part - it had taken me and Maria over an hour, plus a full bottle of talcum powder, to shoehorn me into the PVC catsuit one was wearing. You could say that I was ‘(cat)suited and booted’... Purrrrrrr…

At the risk of sounding boastful or conceited, one was looking so deliciously hot, I could have given Pussy Galore a run for her money. If only I had my own James Bond to have an escapade with! Now which way was it to the couples’ room?...

To sum up one’s ‘assignment’, I would say that if these sort of sexual activites excite, titivate, tantalise or intrigue you, well then my ravishing readers, throw caution to the wind and give it a whirl, there’s no judgment on my part, however, I will impart some insightful tips and guidelines before you embark upon this wondrous voyage of (self)discovery:

• The first ‘rules’ to familiarise yourself with before entering the fabulous world of fetish and BDSM - whether at home, or at a specialist event - would be communication and ‘informed consent’. Left in the hands of uninformed beginners, if handled carelessly, certain activities can lead to lasting trauma, injury, or even death.

• Read up on the club’s guidelines. They are sticklers for the rules and you don’t want to be hauled out of there on your first encounter now do you? They are in place to keep everyone safe. And if you’re a half-decent, civilised human being, they won’t sound like rules, but basic and respectful common sense! Alas, there are some folk in this world who need ‘subtitles for the hard of thinking’. Don’t be THAT person.

• If this is your first time, then maybe go with a friend to make it a little less daunting.

• Discuss with your partner/playmate beforehand what you are looking to get out of this experience. What you are and aren't prepared to do or take part in. Know and set your limits. Boundaries. It’s all too easy to let the champagne go to your head and your knickers drop to the floor before you’ve had time to assess the situation - keep the cocktails and fizz to a minimum - just enough for a little Dutch courage, a little tipsy is ok, a lot plastered is a big no-no, so don’t get caught with your pants down!

• Fortunately, cameras and phones are a huge NO-NO, which is just as well as you don’t really want any film footage or photographic evidence of what you got up to! Remember the rugby analogy? Best leave some things to memory, which you can revisit and fantasise over, time and time again; not to mention that you can change the way things unfolded in your mind, with maybe a few tweaks to improve upon the original scenario! Take it from me!

• And most importantly - you don’t have to play - you can just watch, and no one will be offended if you turn down their advances, which is so refreshing. You can thank the ‘house guidelines’ and general BDSM scene, which strives for a respectful environment at all times. Respect and deviance aren’t oxymorons! #InformedConsent Who wants to see a grown man sulk because you don’t want to play with him and his toys? They can look but they cannot touch without your permission. This is nowhere near in the same league as ‘witholding sexual favours’ to ‘punish’ your lover territory. You will be in control, and having control is a thrill in itself, leaving you feeling powerful and important. and that my ravishing readers is an aphrodisiac all in itself.

Meanwhile, I shall leave you with this thought/fact. Do you know what the body’s biggest sexual organ is? No, not THAT you saucy sausage! It’s actually the brain. The root (pardon innuendo) of all our desires. If you truly want to win over this dominant damsel’s heart and loins, you need to tickle and tantalise her neural pathways too...

Food for thought eh? Well off this sapiophile pops. Things to do. People to see. Lawyers to placate. So situation normal then…

Toodle pip,

xx

** Notes to Team Heaven/EH HQ**

Well my darlings, what an assignment that was! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and from the heart-shaped paddle mark on my bottom #Blush

Quite possibly one of my favourite jaunts this year. And they say that travel broadens the mind… Tho I like to think that this British broad is pretty broad-minded at the best (and worst) of times…

This assignment must’ve been extra scintillating and all-consuming, because not once did I spare a second thought for the ginger whinger (until now). Maybe because the club was so awash with lashings - literally - of upper class, randy eye-candy, that I may well have found my kindred spirit(s). What’s that they say about your vibe attracting your tribe?!?

Anyone wants me, you’ll find me browsing online for a new wardrobe. Incognito mode, naturellement…