Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You’re getting sucked into a life of never-ending drinking and partying which is not good for your health, looks or reputation for that matter! The constant hangovers from hell, the bloodshot eyes highlighted by dark circles, and skin colour a deathly pallor more befitting of a vampire. Then we have the lacklustre personality as you’re feeling like $hit, meaning you are more irritable than an infection in your nether regions! Last but by no means least - your nightly escapades are THE talk of Facebook, and NOT in a good way! So for the love of humanity, all things holy, and social media - just say “NO” to social invitations for the foreseeable until you learn to play properly! And decently! #AlcoholIsNotYourFriend
You have an overwhelming desire to get creative…maybe a craft project…perhaps some knitting…candle-making…or even tinkering under the bonnet of a car, or whatever else tickles your fancy! The point being, that this is a step in the right direction, which translates to you actually unbolting yourself from the sofa, getting off your lazy, expanding butt, and doing something a bit more productive than endless scrolling through content menus, reels, stories or the other usual boring, predictable banal bull$hit people post. Instead of refreshing your feed for yet ANOTHER round of undiluted waffle and piffle - refresh, feed and nurture yourself with activities which will benefit your body, mind and soul. #BeActiveBeHealthyBeHappy
Shredding unopened bills and binning them, rather than having the balls to take a proper look at them, is NOT going to make them disappear. If you remember correctly sweetie, you signed up for a direct debit - therefore (ya numpty), that money is going to come out of your account whether you see the bills or not. AND to stress our point even more - you’re going to see them in all their glory when you log into internet banking to see what the problem is when your card is declined as you purchase a Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato for the umpteenth time that week. Out of sight, out of mind is sooo NOT the case in this instance, so (wo)man up, open the bloody bills when they arrive, and then you can avoid ANOTHER embarrassing #DeclinedCard coffee encounter. #IgnoranceIsNotBliss
First impressions are everything! You can be friendly and polite, or act like a complete and utter tw*t. Believe us sweetie - people will ALWAYS remember the bad more than the good and you will be forever ingrained in their memory as a complete and utter tw*t! It will be quite an uphill struggle trying to overturn their opinion, with your only options either being to have a personality transplant and start behaving like a decent human being, or to emigrate and start all over again. However, a word of caution - there are only so many places you can go before you run out of countries to enjoy total anonymity - then you’re into planet-hopping territory; so if Messrs Musk, Branson & Bezos aren’t uber-close pals of yours, you have absolutely NO chance of achieving that! #BeamMeUpScotty
Stop wandering off your path into unknown territory. Whilst you may think it’s a good idea to dilly dally whilst expanding and exploring your horizons, the only thing it will achieve is to bamboozle your brain with bull$hit, designed to steer you in a different direction, stopping or side-tracking you from doing what you originally set out to do. Now if you’ve got oodles of time to spare, then crack on sweetie and wander away…however, if like the rest of us mere mortals there are not enough hours in the day and you're constantly chasing your tail - then keep your eyes on the prize, stick to the bloody path and stay focused. Only then might you actually achieve your goal! #StopGettingSidetracked
Be up front and tell people how you really feel! Get it off your chest and be silent no more! For far too long you have kept schtum in order to please everybody except yourself, and unfortunately, people have mistaken your silence for agreement. To summarise sweetie, it’s time to put on the big girl/boy pants and STOP people from foisting their opinions on you, expecting you to just go with the flow. Stand up for yourself and state your case - if that doesn’t cut the mustard with them, politely tell them where to shove their opinions... Who needs that kind of negativity in their life? Re-discover your voice. And your balls! #ImNoPushover
You’ve been on edge lately, letting the most mundane crap get to you on a daily basis AND you’ve been behaving like a numpty to boot. WHY? Maybe it’s time to let go…and STOP being so uptight and such a drama llama. Your moods are sucking ALL the fun out of life, like a vampire sucking blood dry, until a shrivelled, dried out husk remains. Please nip such behaviour in the bud - IMMEDIATELY! It would be prudent to let this act as a warning…should you not curb your ways pronto - well sweetie, we fear you may be drawn into a sorry state of “woe is me” and, before you know it, you will be hosting a weekly pity party for one, which quite frankly is a load of over indulgent tosh you can well do without! Wise up before it’s too late! #DontBeADickAllYourLife
You need to take proper care of your health this month. As we enter the winter in the UK where we can experience all four seasons in a day - torrential rain, howling winds, hailstones, frost, sunshine and snow - you need to be prepared for the lurgy…this can range from a few delicate snuffles, to full-blown ‘man flu’ which we know can be ever so debilitating, rendering the patient useless, requiring their every whim to be carried out without question. The lurgy outlook is thus: if you are a woman - prepare for a minor drop in energy levels, feeling easily fatigued, with multi-tasking taken down a notch or two, accompanied by the odd tissue. Meanwhile, if you’re a man, you need to order in industrial levels of Lemsip, mentholyptus, Vicks vapour rub, Lucozade and enough boxes of tissues that would challenge even the horniest of teenage boys. Second thoughts, just order the entire contents of your local pharmacy to get you through this tough time. #BraceYourselevesLadiesItsManFluSeason
You’re living in a fantasy life sweetie and it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee before you get locked in the Metaverse FOREVER. A short, sharp shock is required, so we strongly suggest turning off your phone and Wifi Connection before it’s too late. You’ve been sucked into the giant vortex that is social media and you need to dig deep and find the will to pull yourself out. Life will NOT come to a complete standstill if you don’t update your status, tweet, upload a selfie or perform another tedious TikTok dance of you trying to be funny. Are you aware of how much you pi$$ people off, cluttering up their timeline, constantly seeing your face and hearing your inane ramblings? #GiveItAFu*kingRestWillYou?
Your sensitivity button has most certainly been pushed a few times lately and the key to not completely exploding is to stop taking things so personally and so seriously and it has to be said, being a bit of a busy body. It’s time to GET A GRIP before you become either a complete blubbering mess or an over-the-top shouty, angry mad wo/man! Not everything is about you and your opinion and the world certainly doesn’t revolve around you, so take a giant step back and instead of getting involved in everyone’s business…just observe from afar and only engage, either when asked or if absolutely necessary. Otherwise sweetie you run the risk of being a slave to your emotions that will in turn rule your life, turning it into a $hitstorm! #ItsNotAllAboutYou
Silence is golden, oh how you love the peace and quiet, embracing the tranquillity that surrounds you, an escape from the madness and the chaos of the world, and woe betide anyone who thinks they can come crashing in to decimate the calm life you’re so carefully curating and cultivating. Noisy little fu*kers are NOT welcome, and you most definitely do NOT want them disturbing your little slice of paradise. Take it from us sweetie - that is your prerogative! There’s no need to apologise. If people don’t like it they can jolly well bugger off; nobody is forcing them into anything, they can shove their negativity where the sun don’t shine, and take their inane blathering elsewhere. #EmptyVesselsMakeMostNoise
Don’t overdo it duckie. You need to pace yourself as we fast approach the festive season. There is much to do that will take up your time and energy AND the will to live, so may we suggest making a timetable for gift-buying, party-planning, social events etc. Oh and don’t forget to factor in time outs for those wretched bloody hangovers that you just know are inevitable, despite your misguided best intentions! Be realistic and honest - that way you won’t anger your nearest and dearest by taking the pi$$ after being out on the pi$$! Failure to plan and you are planning for failure! So approach this time of year with military precision, and come January, you won’t be stressed out (or drying out) and in the knackers yard until the spring. #IHaveACunningPlan