Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Taurus

Love is in the air, you are intoxicated with a new romance, and are currently living on cloud nine. Suddenly the world seems a much nicer place to live, even when the most trying of people and things happen that would normally pi$$ you off and tip you right over the edge! Well it’s safe to say that it’s water off a duck’s back and you are managing to maintain that happy-go-lucky persona which is completely baffling your nearest and dearest who are on tenterhooks, as they’re currently thrilled that you are behaving like a (semi) decent human being, yet are silently waiting for the relationship to go tit$ up as the $hit hits the fan, ending with you completely losing the plot, BIG time! #BusinessAsUsual

Gemini

You are constantly scrolling through social media - this destructive behaviour is going to lead to BIG problems, so STOP going down the rabbit hole because once you do…it’s incredibly difficult to pull yourself back to reality! You don’t need abuse or unrealistic bull$hit where likes and shares have now become the number one competitive sport. We predict your hand may need to be surgically removed from your phone and although this is not a procedure currently available on the NHS, never say never! Can you imagine the mental health problems, anguish, nastiness and hatred that would evaporate if people were unable to access the vipers’ pit that is social media?! #FoodForThought?

Cancer

You can’t win every argument so stop trying. It’s exhausting and, quite frankly, downright bloody boring! You don’t know everything, and your opinion - contrary to popular belief - is not the be all and end all, so wind your neck in and please, for the love of humanity - SHUT THE FU*K UP! Once you realise this all important piece of advice - then hopefully you will take it on board and adopt the practice immediately and indefinitely, which in turn will help those around you stop wanting to muzzle you at every opportunity just to restore some semblance of sanity to their own lives and yours! #ReignItIn

Leo

Don’t play with other people’s emotions just for ‘$hits and giggles’ sweetie, it simply makes you come across as manipulative, nasty, controlling and a complete and utter unscrupulous bitch/ba$tard. Just for one moment…put yourself in their shoes, and ask yourself…how would you feel? We imagine you wouldn’t be overly thrilled, so with that little nugget of information and insight, kindly wind your neck in and start behaving like a normal, decent human being, because if this pathetic behaviour continues….it’s a one way street to no-friends-ville and that can be a very lonely place to inhabit! A bitchy mouth is a lonely mouth - don’t say you’ve not been warned… #BillyNoMates

Virgo

Someone is pushing your buttons and they know exactly how to pi$$ you off. You need to calm the fu*k down before you explode, which is so NOT good for your health nor your reputation, AND, you are giving them total satisfaction that their actions have had the desired effect. Don’t let them live rent-free in your head. STOP showing them that their actions and words bother you and this will hopefully wipe the smug look off their face. If this fails to work, then it’s time to go nuclear and fight fire with fire…hit them with the best put-downs and ridicule that your ‘shadow side’ can conjure up and unleash your inner fury. #DeployYourSecretWeapon

Libra

Don’t get carried away with your weight loss regime. You have a tendency to take things too far and if you continue this way, it’s going to lead to an unhappy conclusion. Not enough fuel in the tank means you will not be able function properly…even the trustiest and rustiest of cars need quality ‘fuel’ to stay on the road! Not getting all the right nutrients will lead to bad skin breakouts and, quite frankly sweetie, you go into panic mode if you spot the tiniest zit! Bits and pieces will start to sag and bag, and when your body and mind are no longer perky, you lose your sparkle; AND, the inevitable ageing that comes with dramatic weight loss is going to leave you a bloody basket case! #FindTheBalance

Scorpio

You have recently received some bombshell intel that will seriously affect your inner circle. It’s safe to say that things are about to get tasty, tempers will fray, and the unstable ones will kick off big time. Your friendship group is about to shatter into a million pieces and now is the time to pick a side and stick to it. There will be no going back and once the accusations start flying, then please take cover as the $hit hits the fan - you soooo do NOT want to be in THAT firing line! Your landscape will become a warzone for the foreseeable, so put on the camouflage, load your weapon and prepare for battle. #ArmedAndFabulous

Sagittarius

You may come across as though you’ve got all your $hit together, however, what actually happens behind closed doors is a completely different matter. People don’t get to see you when you’ve lost the plot and require a calming, generous splosh of brandy, or a week in therapy to bring you down from what can only be described as the mother of all meltdowns; and when even the biggest of chill pills fails to put a dent in the surface of your latest hysterical outburst, it’s time to calm the fu*k down sweetie before you become catatonic. Again. Perhaps the picture of calm you present to the world requires adopting on a full time basis. Give it some serious thought! #TwoPersonalitiesBecomeOne

Capricorn

You’ve had a bit of a breakthrough in the old love department of late, and boy has that put a big $hit-eating grin on your face that nobody on planet Earth would be able to erase…Nothing and no-one can dull your sparkle unless the love of your life does a complete U-turn, stamps all over your heart and then dumps your sorry arse! So our advice to you would be to tread carefully…take things slowly…and protect that big old heart of yours. Put yourself first because NOBODY will ever love you as much as you love you! #DontPutAllYourEggsInOneBasket

Aquarius

Your social life is getting a little messy, especially on social media. People will start talking sweetie, if you don’t buck up and stop f**king up big time. To be honest, they probably are talking and laughing at (not with) you whilst simultaneously being absolutely appalled by your drunk and obnoxious behaviour. You're making a right spectacle of yourself and this self-destructive behaviour needs to STOP NOW before you go one step too far and get branded a drunken lush/lout for all eternity! There’s nothing wrong with the odd glass of plonk - there’s just NO need to glug the entire bloody bottle, nor plaster it all over your socials! #BanishTheBoozeBlackouts

Pisces

Your seduction techniques need a little, ahem, ‘finessing’ as you’re coming across as sad and desperate rather than the sexy siren you have pictured in your mind. There is an art to flirtation and you my dear are failing dismally, so maybe you need a little assistance…perhaps recruit some close friends and family to help you work on conversation and delivery techniques…ooh and don’t forget the all important body language and how to understand it. Without this vital knowledge, you’re going to continue to be as subtle as a sledgehammer, which will result in a sustained single status for the foreseeable future! #UseYourCoquetryWisely

Aries

You need to have a heart to heart with your significant other, because they have been behaving pretty bloody badly and if you do not put a stop to it NOW…it’s only going to escalate, and when it does, you won’t have a leg to stand on because you allowed the monster to be set free and you will have one hell of a job trying to get it back in its box. Most people love a little bit of power, it goes right to their head and when you relinquish some of yours…well sweetie, manipulation and control is a heady combination that they won't want to give up easily. Put your foot down…and regain control! #StopBehavingLikeAPussy