Lady P - March 2022
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings my ravishing readers, one is absolutely on a roll! Those darling gals at EH HQ are taking one’s hints and quite literally turning them into reality, so one is beyond thrilled!!
After suggesting they send me on a diving holiday little did I know that they had somewhere simply divine in mind for little ol’ moi to visit. *THE* most breathtakingly beautiful place on earth - the Maldives!
I know, I know what a lucky gal I am, but really darlings, after the stressful and emotional time one has had what with one’s metaphorical wings being brutally clipped of late, I think I rather deserve all the luxury coming my way - after all, my travel expertise and exploits are worth their absolute weight in gold!
As you can imagine, one’s excitement levels reached fever pitch when all the information and E-tickets came through. Maria was deftly dispatched to one’s dressing room to assemble *THE* perfect tropical beach/paradise wardrobe, with plenty of outfits to showcase one’s curves to perfection.
Now I know the Maldives is traditionally a hotspot for loved up couples, however, the islands do tend to have a cornucopia of fitness and wellbeing centres, and typically staffed with plenty of hunky, ever so helpful, attentive Adonises if you catch my drift…?!
And without sounding too ‘Cruella-ish’, another added bonus of travelling to this couples’ paradise is no annoying children on the flight, which I know rarely happens when one travels in first class, however, this particular location dramatically diminishes the chances of having to listen to the not so dulcet tones of sleep-challenged infants and truculent teenagers!
One is beyond thrilled to report that not only was the flight childfree, but one was thoroughly and utterly spoiled by the delightful cabin crew who kept up a steady supply of fizz right up until we were ready to land. The flight sped by in a wonderful blissful haze of fizz and cat naps!
From there it was a hop, skip and a jump on a sea plane to one’s perfect paradise island where I was soon ensconced in a deluxe water villa, complete with personal butler. Oh welcome back to the good life Dita, welcome back! And bravo EH HQ, bravo!!
Once suitably attired for the occasion, I decided to venture outside and explore my new habitat for the next week or so, and let’s just say for the record, the vista did not disappoint. The sun blazed down on white coral sand, delicately and strategically dotted with sunbeds and parasols, whilst the sea gently lapped the shoreline with its mesmerising myriad shades of blues, turquoise and aquamarine. If heaven were a place on earth…
This mermaid was well and truly beguiled by the siren call of the sea. Or maybe it was the rather buff lifeguard on duty, surveying his surroundings, whom had captured my attention and rapidly fluttering eyelashes! .
The palm trees gently swayed in the breeze, their fronds oozing tranquility whilst they whispered from the warmth of the sea air. One could feel the tension and stress of recent times just melt away. And they were to melt away even more that afternoon when one booked in for a full body, luxury aromatherapy massage…
Naturally, I booked the male masseuse - take it from me, they tend to have a strong and powerful technique - and this one was no different, with his large, expert hands and dexterous digits. Oh those fingers of his could definitely walk AND talk - let’s just say that the oil lubricated EVERY inch of my body. And then some…
Without digressing too much, but as we’re talking about lubrication…
After that relaxing horizontal interlude one needed some oral lubrication, so I hit the bar with gusto and proceeded to get up close and personal with the cocktail menu, with the added attraction of an uber cute cocktail waiter! All this relaxation, attention and alcohol was making me a little light headed, but you know me my darlings, one absolutely adores attention - the more I get the more I give, and it wasn’t long before I was the life and soul of the party. Well that’s what I keep telling myself - although recollections may vary…
Like a moth to a flame, one’s fellow travellers and islanders migrated to my table, which heralded the start of some intense partying that week, where friendships were forged and lost at breakneck speed.
Sheesh! Some women can get so tetchy when their other half partakes in a little harmless flirting, although I suppose one can be seen as a bit of a threat; however, I am no home wrecker and one does have some scruples and decorum, which come with a set of strict rules that NO lady (of merit) EVER breaks, no matter how delectable the man in question is. Anyhow, there were plenty of delicious unattached morsels on offer that would take up my spare time!
Thankfully the island wasn’t too overrun with people the following day, especially the dreaded reality TV brigade who have been rocking up in their ghastly droves of late, endlessly pouting and posing up an Instagram storm, scantily clad in a host of barely there outfits, displaying *THE* most unsightly tan lines - perish the thought - all oiled up and sizzling like a burnt sausage, tho please don’t ask me to guess its purity and fat content…Miaow! And I’m far too polite!
After satisfying my appetite by munching my way through a deliciously hearty and healthy lunch - a gal does need to stay properly fuelled for her japes and scrapes - one decided a little sunbathing was in order, just so lunch could go down properly so to speak…
Once suitably rested and revitalised, it was time to indulge in some water sports, starting with a little subaquatic activity to put those newly-acquired deep breathing skills to work in the form of…snorkelling. One does love to swim among the fishies just as long as there are no sharks or anything with lots of bite!
The reef was absolutely spectacular and one is always mesmerised by the beauty and colours of the fish, coral and other little sea creatures which inhabit the reef in all its quiet and stillness beneath the waves. It is all rather magical and one really does become quite the mermaid and at one with the sea. It’s a shame one’s flippers have to come off once back on dry land…Then again, have you ever tried walking in them?! It really is a most unfortunate, ungainly sight and so unbecoming of a lady - even the divine former ballerina, Dame Darcey (Bussell), would end up on her derriere or end up effortlessly walking like a drunken deranged duck!
Anyway, I digress…
Back to the beautiful Maldives and one’s delicious masseuse, who incidentally became my personal companion throughout the remainder of my stay. He was most knowledgeable about the flora and fauna on dry land and wet... One did learn about Maldivian culture and he was most attentive, showering me with compliments - and you all know how much I love and adore a compliment!
He was extremely well-rewarded for his time, effort and attentions, however, for legal reasons - especially after a FULL debrief (so to speak) with EH HQ and Daddy’s lawyers - it’s best that no names are mentioned and for that matter, NO details of any extracurricular sporting/leisure activities on the island should be mentioned either.
One really should read up and keep up to date with a country's laws before any visit, else one might end up in jail a la Bridget Jones and her Thai jail debacle - not that any drugs were involved, unless you count my herbal supplements I’d bought from a nice chap in the local market…oh dear, one really must remember to stop rambling and to keep schtum…
Well unfortunately my ravishing readers, that is where we will have to leave it this month. One is off to see where those darling gals at EH HQ are sending me next which will obviously require reading the legalities and a revised list of do’s and don’ts and that’s just for one’s arrival at Heathrow!
**Notes to Team Heaven gals**
Another triumphant trip - thank you darlings - you do know how to spoil a gal!
Anyhow, whilst I was having a little ‘Netflix & chill’ - tho quite how a gal is supposed to ‘chill’ in such humid, steamy surroundings, I’ll never know - my smartphone algorithms went into overdrive, alerting me to the ‘news’ that the ginger who shall not be named, is supposed to be doing some filming for Netflix! Blimey - if they can blag a lucrative contract for their ramblings, then there’s a LOT of hope for me yet. Not long darlings until those execs are beating a path to OUR door!
Anyhow, I digress…During my enthusiastic exploration of watersports in the Maldives, I came across something called ‘SUPping’! In my naivete, I initially thought it was some kind of orgiastic drinking festival - hope springs eternal - however, I learnt that it’s an acronym for Standup Paddleboarding.
Having honed my lung capacity and deep breathing skills to near perfection with endless diving, it seems this SUPping would be a perfect opportunity for me to improve my pelvic strength, amongst other areas, not that I’ve ever had any complaints, but again, I digress…
Oh blast - I’m all of a’fluster and I’m going to have to dash darlings - I read that the ginger one is going to be in Holland next month - international circumstances permitting - so I’m off for an urgent reading with my tarot lady to check if there are any remaining crumbs of hope for a romance with him, ever!
I really need closure. I’m driving my glossy posse to distraction with my residual, unrequited ramblings! I blame those hormones and the rising sap of springtime! Meanwhile, best foot and clocks (I said cLocks!) forward gals. Ciao x
Tags: Lady P