Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You’re desperate to make a fresh start and yes, you have tried that over and over again with varying success, however, this time you’re determined to make it work. But where to start? With a plan of course you numpty! Write down your goals and how you plan to achieve them. Just make sure that they are doable. If for example you decide you want to climb Mount Snowdon/Kilimanjaro/Fuji, then a pair of trainers and an iPhone - ready to Insta-capture your glory for social media - doesn’t quite cut it! Be realistic. AND sensible. It’s a marathon sweetie, not a sprint. Try climbing a local hill or gentle incline first, and see how you get on with that. If you don’t collapse into a heap, then bravo!! You can go onto bigger hills and higher peaks, until you're ‘match fit’ and ready to conquer those REALLY BIG mountain peaks. #FailToPlanIsAPlanToFail
The prize is there for the taking. You’ve always wanted to wear the crown and you really do have a head for hats…so go forth and claim that fashionista title as your own. For a long time now, people have coveted your wardrobe, and a night out isn’t a night out unless you’ve received a shedload of compliments that allow you to bask in your own brilliance! Bravo darling, bravo. You have reached the pinnacle and you truly belong with the fashion elite. Long may you reign and God save the fashion king/queen. Word of warning tho sweetie. There is always someone waiting in the wings, eyeing up your crown with envy and ready to cry “off with their head”. #BewareTheRoyalCoup
You’re tempted to share some secrets, but don’t rush in like a bull in a bloody china shop…hold that tongue before that mouth of yours gets you into trouble, the likes of which would take even the world’s best peacekeepers a lifetime to repair and rebuild the damage inflicted! Have a word with yourself, and we strongly advise that you and your conscience enter into peace talks before the whole scenario goes tit$ up and you’re left feeling like Billy-no-mates when your nearest and dearest, and anyone else who’s utterly appalled by your behaviour, decides to ostracise you once and for all. #YourSecretsAreSafeWithMeAndEveryoneIKnow
Keep your guard up Gemini as there are a lot of two-faced, fickle friends out there who do NOT have your best interests at heart and they are NOT to be trusted under any circumstances! May we suggest keeping personal details about ALL aspects of life under your hat for the foreseeable, just in case these devious so and so’s start twisting your words to fit their agenda by spreading salacious gossip about you to everyone who happens to cross their path. And if they do happen to be making crap up, because they have nothing better to do with their sad, pathetic lives, then we often find a frank, firm and robust f**k off to their face, usually does the trick! #KeepYourCardsCloseToYourChest
Frustration is the name of the game and no matter how slow your weight loss progress is, please DON’T give into temptation and slide back down that slippery slope to tubby town, undoing all your hard work which has taken every ounce of willpower and determination you possess. When life’s treating you bad and the $hit hits the fan, rather than reach for a Mars bar or fall head first into the gin bottle - STOP - take a breath - and cast your mind back to when you HAD to wear shapeless clothing and voluminous kaftans because nothing else bloody fitted! That is NOT an option, so be strong…banish all ‘naughty’ treats and if all else fails, perhaps it’s time to entertain the prospect of having your jaw wired! Or stepping up your step count! We know what we’d prefer, so go the extra mile(s)! #WillpowerIsASuperpower
Everybody wants to be loved, including and especially you, even though thou doth protest a little too much methinks! Really sweetie - you keep churning out about how much you love the single life whilst quietly sobbing into your pillow every night, and it’s fooling no one. It’s time to wipe the snivelling tears away, put on a brave face (makeup optional), because you are about to show the world just how fabulous and loveable a catch you are. You need to sell yourself PRONTO. Time is marching on and nobody is getting any younger, so step on it before all the good ones are gone and you are left sad and lonely at the bingo hall, desperately trying to crowdfund a Tinder site for ‘mature daters’! Tho you could always ‘date yourself’, fall in love and see where that little project leads to!! #TimeStandsStillForNoOne
If you're feeling at an all time low then stuffing your face with crap is only going to add to your woes! Emotional eating is so NOT good for your health and wellbeing, and if you throw alcohol into the mix…well sweetie, it’s only going to go one way…and that’s tit$ up! And we’re not just talking about the size of your clothing. STOP stuffing the munchies and the crunchies and perhaps you may get a better perspective on why you are feeling so low, and sans glow!! The simple fact of the matter is that you’re feeling ‘meh’ because of the calorific carb-fest you’re consuming, on the hour, EVERY hour! NOBODY needs to be eating that amount unless they are taking up a new career as a sumo wrestler or fattening up for a long cold winter of hibernation! #EatingIsNotAnOlympicSport
You have reached boiling point and are about to explode, but do try and calm down sweetie before you have a heart attack, because you’re no good to anyone dead! That temper of yours will get you into a whole host of trouble if you don’t reign it in and yes, we know you’re not the most tolerant of people and YES, we know that there’s an awfully long list of things that pi$$ you right off. So our advice is take a chill pill, relax and stop getting your knickers in a twist! Life is way too short for you to be jumping up and down, red in the face and steam coming out of every orifice. It’s also not an attractive look, so try counting to 10 VERRRY SLOWLY, then smile to yourself whilst muttering ‘cock womble’ until you’re back to a very gentle simmer!! #PatienceIsntMyStrongSuit
No one can keep a secret quite like you can. In fact, it’s safe to say it would be easier breaking into Fort Knox than getting someone’s deepest darkest secrets out of you, and THAT duckie, is one very special trait to have! It means people trust you implicitly and will come to you with their problems knowing that it won’t be spread like hot gossip around the globe and back in a nanosecond. Unfortunately, the downside is EVERYONE coming to you with any old $hit, expecting you to have the answer, like some all-knowing oracle and that can really pi$$ you off! Just keep calm and think of it as a public service to (wo)mankind - it’s a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it, so it may as well be you! #MyLipsAreSealed
You are usually the life and soul of the party, living to the max, but recently you’ve begun to hanker after a far more relaxed approach to life. Driving a sports car down the motorway of life at 100mph no longer holds any appeal…you’d much rather canter on horseback through the countryside, or dip in the refreshing babbling countryside streams and rivers - and there’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever duckie. It's your life, and how you live it is totally up to you. Bollocks to the so-called friends uncharitably sniggering behind your back, while you replace your Louboutins with hiking boots, the Chanel is cast aside for a Barbour jacket to keep out the biting cross wind, and the rest of your wardrobe resembles something from out of Horse & Hound magazine! Mud stains optional…Their opinion is neither wanted or needed! #EmbraceTheTweed
Communication is a two-way street. People aren't mind readers so if you don’t tell them what you're thinking, then how the hell do you expect them to know!? It’s time you grew the f**k up and stopped thinking that you are able to perform some clever Jedi mind tricks. This isn’t a Hollywood blockbuster movie - it’s real life and, unless you’re specific with your requests or demands, then they aren’t going to come to fruition. If you’re too afraid to tell people what you want, may we suggest acquiring balls of steel. You’re an adult, so bloody act like one, else life is going to continue to be one big disappointment! #SpeakYourMindOrForeverWillItDominateYourDestiny
A long standing pet project has monopolised your time for long enough now. It’s been a labour of love, but at some point you need to return to the land of the living rather than beavering away in your little hideout. We all need human contact sweetie and now that your body is looking incredible as the weight melted faster than an iceberg in the Caribbean - in no small part due to you being overly engrossed in and distracted by your project - it’s time to come out of your all-consuming hibernation, and show off some of its unexpected side-effects! Time to show off this fabulous transformation and ditch living life like a sad hermit! It’s time to ditch the solitary life and embrace your friends and family once more before they completely forget what you look and sound like! #BillyNoMates