Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Gemini

Lights…camera…action…it’s time for you to be the star of your own life, so get into director mode and make sure you put on one hell of a production for the world to see. You are so over being a snorefest…you long to be the leading light in an epic story with so many twists and turns, and ups and downs that you could fall over with all the giddy excitement it brings. The only problem is that unless you actually start manifesting this into reality, you’re gonna come crashing back down to planet Earth, landing on your butt with an almighty, humongous thud of disappointment with your dreams in tatters…depressed and sore. #GrabLifeByTheBalls

Cancer

Your ego has bruised lately and you’re most definitely in need of a little comfort and compassion. Surround yourself with your nearest and dearest for some much needed TLC instead of reaching for the drinks cupboard and drowning your sorrows, as this could lead to some feeling-very-sorry-for-yourself pity parties or, heaven forbid, drunken outbursts where you lash out at whoever may be in the vicinity of your sharp tongue! Take time to (gently) lick your wounds, preferably with the help of a little chocolate spread, especially if you’re feeling a little/extra ‘saucy’…wink wink… #ChocolateSoothesPartsOfTheSoulThatOthersCannotReach

Leo

STOP trying to win the popularity contest and get to that point in life when you no longer give a damn what people think about you - have the balls to say, “Behold the field in which I grow my f*cks. Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.” Instead, enjoy living life with a wonderful feeling of reckless abandonment because no matter what you do or say - the opinion of others won’t even register on your ‘what an absolute load of…’ scale. REMEMBER: other people’s opinions don’t pay your bills! Only then sweetie will you experience true contentment in life and when you do finally reach that point…raise a glass to yourself and toast just how far you’ve come! #AmIBothered?

Virgo

You say your life is a little topsy turvy at the moment, but if you’re totally honest with yourself, it’s more of a cataclysmic mess and you need to get it back on an even keel pronto! We all need order and a little discipline, otherwise life descends into chaos and we end up becoming scruffy sloths with no vision, no goals and nothing to look forward to, which begs the question - “is there any point in being here?!” You need to LIVE sweetie, NOT exist. So chop chop …there’s no time to waste. Sort your life out, get proactive and get your bloody house in order - pronto Tonto!! #ShapeUpOrShipOut

Libra

It’s time to make more of an effort to connect with people. You’ve become a bit of a loner and have taken to talking to yourself, so unless you have a medical condition explaining this or you’ve been on the ‘pop’, then quite frankly, it isn’t a good thing sweetie; and if you start answering yourself back - then it’s time to really panic! Nobody is saying you need to turn into a social butterfly 24/7. Just make sure you have some contact with the human race, indulge in real conversations with real people, in the real world, in real time, and not be glued to a screen, living a life in a virtual bull$hit cyber world. #GetARealLife

Scorpio

You’re about to experience a money moment and it could either be the good…the bad…or the ugly! So hold on to your hat. And wallet!! A good money moment would be a surprise inheritance, a refund from the tax office, or the mother of all gifts - a huge lottery win. The bad could entail blowing your whole month’s wages within 48 hours of receiving it and the crashing disappointment of a pi$$ poor lottery win. And then we have the ugly: your plastic being declined or, shock horror, eaten up at the cashpoint, and then you check your lotto numbers…scream because you’ve won a substantial amount of money, quickly followed by complete devastation when you realise you forgot to renew the direct debit so you didn’t actually buy the winning ticket! #MillionaireOrNillionaire

Sagittarius

The spotlight is about to find you and you finally get the chance to be in the limelight, but just make sure it’s for ALL the right reasons, such as: a recent success, a good deed being rewarded, or for going above and beyond the call of duty; and not…repeat NOT, for being a total knob head…making a complete spectacle of yourself by bitching, fighting or being in a pi$$ed up state (again!) with your exploits being broadcast live over the internet for all to see. Really sweetie? Have you not learned any lessons in how to behave with just the teeniest tiniest bit of decorum? Make sure your spotlight moment is one to be proud of! #ShineOrShite

Capricorn

Please dial back the drama and stop turning events into World War III…the world’s got enough problems without you adding fuel to the fire! Instead, focus on enjoying life without having to create carnage wherever you go. This disruptive behaviour of yours will get you a reputation for being at best a diva/divo, or at worst, a complete and utter bitch or ‘barstud’. Now nobody wants to be thought of in such a way, so it’s time to turn over a new leaf sweetie…throw out the sarcasm, put on the charm, dial up that smile, lock away the bad girl/guy persona in a box and don’t bring it out out unless things reach Defcon 2, in which case, ONLY THEN you can let battle commence! #KnowWhenToShutTheF**kUp

Aquarius

You're ready for more than a little summer fun - lots of socialising, which means…lots of summer outfits…lots of summer parties and lots of summer cocktails. Let the al fresco season begin and embrace the beauty of being outside amongst nature and barbecues! Nothing gets the mouth salivating as much as meat sizzling over the coals, ready to be served in big buns, dripping with calorific sauces and with a little bit of the green foliage stuff on the side to give the charade that it’s a healthy meal - but let’s be honest…does anyone eat the salad?! It's a lot of money and effort despite its decorative purpose, often ending up on the compost heap while you search out another sausage! #BollocksToTheSalad

Pisces

You have one thing on your mind - going on holiday. It’s been such a long time since you experienced the excitement of booking that all important break away. Oh the excitement of rocking up to the airport and flying off to somewhere hot, lounging on the beach and demolishing the cocktail menu within 24 hours! Get ready to start the painstaking search for your own personal paradise - which includes a bloody good all-inclusive, guaranteed sunshine, kids club if you have to take the family, or adults only if you’re not a fan of crying babies, tearaway toddlers, and sullen teenagers. #HolidayModeActivated

Aries

You need to pull back from toxic people…you know the ones…poisonous, untrustworthy, harmful, obnoxious gits - the type who thrive on pi$$ing others off and making their lives a misery. Be brave sweetie and politely tell them to f*ck off out of your life for good, and then surround yourself with those who build you up, not tear you down. The ones who make you laugh, not cry! You don’t have to put on a front, or change who you are in order to fit in. Seek out friends who allow you to be whoever the hell you want to be - embrace those friendships and don’t EVER let them go! #GoodFriendsAreHardToFind

Taurus

You find yourself being pulled in many directions because you have far too many things going on in your life. SLOW DOWN sweetie…take a deep breath and come up for air! Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither are you an octopus with lots of tentacles allowing you to multitask. You have but one pair of hands my darling! The human mind can only take so much stress before that pretty little head of yours explodes allowing a million and one thoughts to go running for the hills…take a chill pill and put the kettle on - or pour yourself a large glass of whatever tickles your fancy and calm the f*ck down! #KeepCalmAndDrink…