The hottest topic in town: Hottie’s Menopause Manual
The Emma Heaven magazine is proud to present the Hottie’s Menopause Manual..
Did you know that there are - brace yourselves - 34 reported symptoms associated with the menopausal journey?
Ohhh yes hotties you read that right! Not 3 to 4 but a goddamn 34 of the cheeky little blighters. You may want to make a cuppa or pour yourself a large glass, and sit comfortably as it’s a looooong list.
Do not fear though warrior hotties, as we are going to take them in our stride and steadily work our way through them.
Hopefully this will arm you with the knowledge, power and humour required in order to deal with the emotional and physical minefield that is the menopause.
We continue with…
5. Water & gas bloating
Exploring the menopause’s many (or should that be meno?!) symptoms, one at a time!
As we whoosh on through our hotties’ list of menopausal symptoms it’s time to brace yourself as we explore ‘water and gas bloating’. Oh yes hotties, we ARE soooo going to go there.
Well you could have blown me down with a feather when entering peri menopause. What the actual heck? My abdomen started blowing up and down as if there was an alien inside mimicking a bicycle pump. My stomach would literally grow before my very eyes. One minute my jeans were fitting, the next I was bursting through and spilling out over the top.
My tummy stretched so much that it was now *that* time - oh yes, the time had come to purchase some Bridget Jones BIG pants. Oh the joy of it, a pair of pants which could cope with my ever-expanding abdomen without the urge to roll down and me constantly yanking them back up. My poor lacy undies soon became demoted from prime drawer space to a more sparse, ‘occasion-wear’ drawer. Sob!
Everything I ate seemed to create a whirlpool of wind that would whip up from out of nowhere, and sneak out without any warning and when I least expected it. Of course it goes without saying that it was hardly ever discreet either, not embarrassing at all right hotties?
And talk about being a passion killer! I’ve never had to flush the toilet so often in a pitiful attempt to disguise the noisy wind machine I was turning into.
The same could be said with water. Although we need to stay hydrated, as a hottie our tummies seem to hold onto it - I call it my camel tummy… except I’m not planning on trekking through the desert. Boy oh boy, who knew that gas and water bloating was an actual thing, and one of the documented symptoms of this menopausal journey.
So why do we start to bloat?
Bloating is one of the most common symptoms of menopause and perimenopause.
It’s thought that the drop in oestrogen (female hormone), which helps maintain the correct amount of water and bile in the body, is responsible. As its levels begin to decrease, we can store more water, which makes us feel bloated. And if that’s not enough, the amount of bile we produce can alter, which in turn affects how we digest fat, leading to more wind. Yep - so double the trouble!
***N.B. ALWAYS be aware that there can be other causes for bloating, so please, please, please always check with a medical professional to eliminate any other serious underlying health concerns or issues***
So what can we do?
Here are a few suggestions which have been found to be helpful.
- Eating small and often can help aid your metabolism and ease digestion
- Drink plenty of water to help with the elimination of toxins
- Avoid/consume in moderation beans and soft cheeses - these can be notorious ‘windy weather’ culprits
- Gentle exercise and relaxation such as yoga can help
- Peppermint or other digestive teas and herbal infusions can help with trapped wind
- Don’t eat too late or too heavily at night
- Avoid too much caffeine and alcohol as they are diuretics - decaff has come such a long way, as have low/no alcohol drinks
Whatever you do hotties, be assured these are all pretty much part and parcel of this crazy menopausal ride. So if you want some uplifting ‘wind beneath your [bingo] wings’, look no further for your inspiration, than Gone with The Wind! (cringe)
You can hold your head high - while keeping hold of your nose - and say to your quivering critics - “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
Meanwhile, stay fragrant and fabulous hotties!
Hottie’s Menopause Manual
The peri/menopause journey is rather like stepping onto a rollercoaster for the first time although with much less choice or warning!
You're scared $hitless because you don’t know how you are going to feel. Or what, or when.
You strap yourself in, then somebody comes to check that you’re secured properly.
They give you that knowing look - they know what’s ahead but you don’t; then off you go and there’s no stopping it. You’re in for the duration and there’s no getting off!
The journey starts with a slow chug-chug-chugging at first, lulling you into a false sense of security!
Ahhh, maybe this will be ok after all? Will it BOLLOCKS!?! Keep dreaming sisters - this ain’t no picnic!
As you ascend to the top of the ride, fear of the unknown cripples you and your anxiety levels reach Defcon 3.
You try to catch your breath but f*ck me, you’ve been launched over the top and are in total free fall as the ride twists and turns, throwing and rattling you from side to side; and then, just when you think you’re getting the measure of it, it decides to turn your world upside down!
What the actual f*ckety f*ck is happening now?
Ladies - it’s not so much Welcome to the Pleasuredome, but welcome to the MENOPAUSE! Sorry, Frankie…
Now if that little scenario hasn’t already given you the jitters, then ANOTHER of Mother Nature’s gift to us ladies of a certain age - step forward symptom No 25 on our long list of what the f*ck is going to be thrown at us next - ANXIETY, just might! And let’s nip this in the bud right here and now before you ask what’s the cause. You don’t need a fancy degree to work this one out. It’s those ever-fluctuating hormones causing mischief, mayhem and madness once more.
Now menopause can be an emotionally challenging experience at the best of times, but when your anxiety is let loose, well, it takes your stress management to a whole new level.
The anxiety can occur because falling oestrogen levels change the way our brains function, with oestrogen being linked to levels of serotonin (the happy hormone); and levels of cortisol (the stress hormone). So in a nutshell Hotties, when our oestrogen drops our serotonin drops and our cortisol rises, meaning our happiness levels lower whilst our stress levels elevate, leaving us anxious and pi$$ed off. What a gift eh?!?
Here is what we can look forward to if anxiety strikes:
- Fast heart rate
- Fast breathing
- Heart palpitations
- Chest pain
- Dry mouth
- Shaking or tremors
- Panic attacks – these are severe attacks of anxiety, fear, and panic that occur suddenly, often without warning, and for no apparent reason and can be very scary.
So how can we keep our anxiety in check fellow Hotties?
It’s always good to talk. Talk to fellow Hotties:
- Support groups where you can discuss symptoms and helpful strategies with fellow hotties. But remember - what works for others may not work for you. It can be trial and error.
- Holistic therapists can recommend a whole host of therapies to help relax you and alleviate and reduce anxiety. Tho be warned, there are quite a few charlatans out there, ready to prey upon our anxiety and desperation!
- Most importantly, your GP/healthcare provider can help you navigate this complete $hit show, by prescribing suitable medication to alleviate symptoms or helping you get any therapy needed.
Next, follow the drill - it will help you to help yourself. It’s not rocket science ladies, it’s just common sense.
And to finish off with this little old chestnut: An anxiety-busting playlist to help you mellow out.
Weightless - Marconi Union
Pure Shores - All Saints
Strawberry Swing - Coldplay
Watermark - Enya
Sunshine On My Shoulders - John Denver
Under Pressure - Queen/David Bowie
Bridge Over Troubled Waters - Simon & Garfunkel
Patience - Take That
Let It Be - The Beatles
Footprints In The Sand - Leona Lewis
Viva Forever - Spice Girls
Time To Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman & Andrea Bocelli
Tags: Menopausal Hotties