July 2022

Lady P - July 2022

Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!

I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.

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Aloha my darlings! One is currently languishing on a beach in Hawaii and loving every single moment…

I cannot thank enough those darling gals at EH HQ who are, quite simply, out of this world with this latest assignment and the wonderful array of globe trotting experiences they continue to throw my way. Who knew a gal could pine for an airport lounge pass more than a pass for the Royal Enclosure at Ascot?! I will NEVER take my foreign travels and freedoms for granted, EVER again!!

Mummy was most excited when I announced the destination of my latest sojourn and proceeded to regale me with stories of her youth, along with the film that changed her life, starring the man who stole her youthful affections and for whom she still nurtures a VERRRY soft spot to this day, wink wink!

Step forward the legendary Mr Elvis Presley in Blue Hawaii! And for those readers of a younger ‘vintage’ who haven’t a clue whom one is talking about, he is the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, drop dead gorgeous, with a voice that would melt pure granite, and dance moves that would reduce you to a quivering mess! Failing that, go to your local cinema to check him out in the latest Tom Hanks movie - which is aptly and originally called ‘Elvis’!

img 7982This is the guy, nay god, who pioneered such dance moves as The Pole Dance, The Pelvis and The Slide, not to mention the infamous ‘Rubber Leg’ movements which captivated the youth of the day, shocking parents everywhere with his hip swivelling and leg movements. It all sounds rather deliciously naughty but rest assured, it was all legal and above (surf) board!

After watching the film with Mummy (several times) - call it a familiarisation briefing - one must admit it did get one’s wanderlust juices flowing again, ready for some dancing, prancing and romancing. So here’s hoping I find my own hip-thrusting heart-throb!

Plus, the islands did look absolutely glorious, even more so after the freezing-cold, mountain-side adventures on Mount Everest last month…a little sun on one's bones, plus a multitude of cocktails to sample, was just what the doctor ordered!

With a suitcase full of exotic outfits at the ready, one was hot to trot and raring to rock ‘n’ roll Hawaii, old-school style - sun, sand, sea and sex on the beach (hopefully of the cocktail AND buff bronzed Adonis varieties!)

Touchdown in Honolulu, and one was greeted at arrivals by the most charming team of people who presented me with the most beautiful ‘lei’** - minds and mouths out of the gutter please dear children - aka a garland of flowers, which are given in Hawaii as a token of welcome, along with a chilled glass of champagne. **I was fleetingly reminded of a diplomatic reception I once attended in the South Pacific, where the ambassador gave us a tour of the cellar, where he grandly (and mischievously) announced “And in this trunk, I keep my first ever lay (sic)”. I have to say my darlings, looking at the ruddy-faced, gout-raddled old sausage, it was most probably his first AND last!! Anyway, I digress…

Oh you cannot even begin to imagine how much I love being the travel correspondent of a famous global online magazine - the level of service and the adulation that comes with such an important, influential, responsible position is simply to die for, and now that one has built up such an excellent rapport and relationship with those darling gals at EH HQ, I have to say these assignments are getting ever more fabulous with each passing month! Whatever next? The edge of space with Elon?!?

My hotel was beyond picturesque - a vision of tropical plants and flowers, with the sound of the ocean gently lapping the shore nearby. The room was simply yet tastefully furnished, with an enormous king size bed, big enough to sleep a cricket team, and generously scattered with flower petals, evoking memories of a previous rendezvous where one was thrown onto the bed by a strong hunky man, petals and stamens flying everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE, and…ooops, deep breaths, deep breaths, compose yourself Dita - I think that’s MORE than enough titillation for the time being my darlings…we don’t want this to get too naughty and peak too soon if you catch my drift, after all it’s supposed to be a travelogue not an erotic tale…fictional or biographical…

That evening one attended a lavish Hawaiian luau - which is a traditional Hawaiian party including music, hula dancing and plenty of delicious local dishes served including poi, kalua pig, lomi salmon, laulau, poke, and haupia which one was more than happy to sample.

There were some hair-raising moments when I tried my hand at twirling flaming batons, but one has a reputation for playing with fire and I’m quite adept at holding a hot, dangerous pole in my hand without getting burnt!...so when in Rome, or should that be Honolulu?!

Anyway, as per, I digress…

Back to the luau and another skill I learned and perfected I’ll have you know, was how to undulate my hips in a beguilingly sexy and provocative manner - another useful move to stash away in the ‘Dita Seduction Playbook’. Although I’m still undecided whether it works best with or without the grass skirt and coconut shells! I’ll get back to you on that…

Next up on my Hawaiian adventure was an excursion to explore Oahu's waters on a submarine-style glass-bottom boat ride aboard the Atlantis Submarine where I got to learn about the local fish, coral and other animals in this marine habitat. As you may recall, one is a big fan of snorkelling interspersed with more than a little diving; I do so love to get up close and personal with the object of my desire, I mean the object of my curiosity!

Furthermore, I love to show off my acrobatic skills, flexibility and agility, both in the water and out of it, alongside my (now) legendary deep breathing skills, whether one is submerged in water or on dry land, if you know what I mean…Oops, I did it again!! Being more than a tad provocative and leading your minds astray…move over Britney, there’s a new blooper in town!

The following days were spent lying in the sun, enjoying the spectacular scenery of Waikiki’s white sands, turquoise sea, and the sun glinting off of the oiled-up muscles of the many glorious male bodies ‘peacocking’ up and down the beach’s boardwalk. It was like my very own Top Gun, beach scenes moment - both the original and the latest Maverick film. My heart skipped several beats when I saw those Top Guns’ guns oiled, flexed and in action…I guess this explains my enduring fascination with Tom Cruise. Mummy has Elvis, the original Hollywood heartthrob, and I have Tommy…

Anyhow…Where were we?!? Ah yes, one got especially excited when they decided to play a little volleyball in teeny tiny shorts, their lithe bodies stretching out, thrusting that ball over the net…boy oh boy, could I do with a little thrusting right about…NOW…oops, mind in the gutter. Again…naughty Dita, naughty!

In one’s defence, it is hot, there are cocktails a’plenty and the beach is awash with gorgeous strapping, semi-naked male specimens which would make even a nun quiver and get a little hot under the wimple, never mind a ‘nympho whose sap seems to be permanently on the rise’ as one’s gals pals so cruelly described me recently!

How terribly rude and uncharitable, although on balance, probably highly accurate if I’m being brutally honest and self-aware; I agree with the excessive sexual desire bit, but not the uncontrollable part and anyhow, a little sexercise is good for the body, mind and soul! And furthermore, I’d like to state for the record that I do have some self-control and if I happen to succumb and get into a teeny tiny bit of trouble because of my, ahem…libidinous behaviour, fortunately I now have Daddy’s lawyers on speed dial….you wouldn’t believe the scrapes they’ve got me out of over the years, then again, you probably would…ooops, one’s not supposed to mention those - lifelong NDAs, yadda yadda - so moving swiftly on…

I am pleased to report on this occasion that there was some “Burning Love” (but none that required antibiotics or a rash cream) which left me “All Shook Up”, and, fortunately on this trip I wouldn’t be leaving “Heartbreak Hotel”, quite the contrary… Hawaii you have been magnificent and “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You”…Aloha…

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**Note to Team Heaven gals**

Another triumphant trip darling team! A million thank yous! Now before I dash, I must mention an absolutely darling Hawaiian concept I encountered - the ho'oponopono method. Tho whatever you do, please don’t ask me to pronounce it!!

I do believe that this could be a HUGE turning point in my fractious relationship with Daddy, and potentially help me overcome my lingering unrequited longing for the ginger one, along with helping my more general frustrations with the world around me.

To get started, one needs to take a few deep breaths with your eyes closed. Then, slowly repeat these phrases to yourself about 7 or 8 times. “I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you… I'm sorry, Please forgive me”, etc etc.

I’m more than willing to give it a go, even if it will initially be through gritted teeth, tho what’s that you say about sorry being the hardest word Elton?!

Anyway, nothing ventured…So wish me lots of luck, AND love darlings!

Now repeat after me: I’m s s s sor… deep breaths, deep breaths…


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