Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You’re looking for your soulmate are you?! But do they even exist? The hopeless romantic inside you says hell YES, they do and you’re going to bloody well find them, even if it kills you trying, because love can conquer all. Or…the cynical old trout inside of you says hell NO, you haven’t got a chance in hell of finding your soulmate because THEY DON’T EXIST! It’s all a load of romantic lovey dovey bull$hit, designed to give you hope that there could possibly be another human being out there who is destined to complete you, but if you are even remotely lucky, like most mere mortals, you may end up with someone who can just about tolerate you most days! Or as one friend so profoundly puts it, “I dream of finding that one person I want to annoy - and be annoyed by - for the rest of my life!” #AreYouASuckerOrABeliever?
What would be the answer to your prayers? Option 1: A $hit ton of money, where you can buy absolutely everything you want and do whatever the f*ck you want to do, anytime, any place, anywhere. Or…Option 2: You could meet the love of your life who will be with you all the time, who will look after you and love you no matter how much money you have? Well, the all important question is…are you an asset-grabbing, materialistic, money-obsessed loon who believes that money rules the world and makes you happy? Or are you a hopeless romantic who believes that love conquers all and enriches your life in a way that money can’t? Loot or Love? #DecisionsDecisions
You’re keeping a lot of people happy by telling them exactly what they want to hear, however, you are doing a great disservice to them and you! And by that we mean, you are telling them great big porky pies so they are completely oblivious to truth and reality which is gonna come back and bite you on the bum - BIG time! Stop this fawning nonsense NOW before you come a cropper! People NEED to hear the truth, not false platitudes, so grow a pair and STOP sugar coating things and tell it like it is….that way, you are more than likely to earn people's respect, which is far better than being a dishonest and BS-enabling people-pleaser. #PopularityOrIntegrity
Engage the brain before putting that big mouth of yours into gear, because one day soon it’s going to land you in deep doggy doo dah! Will you EVER learn to stow that waspish tongue away until it's absolutely necessary to bring it out to battle with the other narrow-minded, nasty, opinionated, pompous know-it-alls?! If you carry on with this bullish behaviour, acting like a total bitch/’bar-stud’, we predict sooner rather than later you will have alienated everyone you know, because quite frankly sweetie, they don’t know what venomous words are going to flow forth from your mouth next! #KnowWhenToKeepSchtum
You are such a control freak and you absolutely detest being told what to do - it rubs you up the wrong way and sets your teeth on edge….it makes you clench your fists along with other parts of your body which shall remain a secret!!! And biting your tongue becomes a hazardous task that, with just a teeny tiny bit more pressure, could result in an unfortunate trip to A&E! But here’s the thing… A mouth full of stitches and bruising (from biting your tongue) resembling 10 rounds in the ring with Tyson Fury are all the proof you need that you CAN conquer the control freak inside…so do you have to be a complete and utter knob head just to prove a point?! #LearnSomeSelfRestraint
You’re feeling rather energetic and for once in your life you’re up for some exercise that isn’t bedroom-acrobatics related or flexing those muscles at the wine bar with the heavy arm lifting glass manoeuvre. But beware you don’t fall down the ‘I need the right stuff’ rabbit hole which translates into wasted (IMO) hours and days on end searching for the cute gym kit which shows off your best bits, or the trendiest trainers on Instagram, or a bright and shiny dumbbell set. You spend so long acquiring the right gear, that by the time you have it nailed, you’ve completely lost the will to exercise so it’s back to the beer and the bonking! Try not to be a ‘full kit w*nker’! #OldHabitsDieHard
Dust the cobwebs off your summer clobber and get ready to HOLIDAY! Boy has it been a long time coming, but now you are ready to embark on those wonderful memory-making jaunts once more. Don’t bother wasting money on a new wardrobe when there’s a whole array of delicious cocktails to be consumed - no-one will remember what you were wearing years ago unless they are a fellow fashion fanatic with a an OTT obsession with your wardrobe or, being uncharitably generous here, you could say they have ‘an enduring appreciation for an awesome outfit’ that’s been forever etched into their mind, such are your fashionista credentials! #GetYourPrioritiesRight
You’re feeling rebellious. You know what you have to do in work and life for things to get done and run smoothly, but to hell with that…you can’t take any more of this mundane bull$hit existence and so you long to break free. Well sweetie, what’s stopping you?! It’s time to go out on a limb and be brave…live a little - or a lot…just don’t go totally over the top with outlandish behaviour that could land you in hot water with friends and family….get you fired in work or worse case scenario - arrested and charged with an offence that will gain you notoriety in the press, but for all the wrong reasons! #KnowYourLimits
The time has arrived when you need to become a grow the f*ck up and STOP behaving like a raging, horny, pi$$ed up adolescent. If you proceed with this destructive behaviour…well sweetie, you’re gonna end up with one hell of a reputation and not a particularly good one. You’re allowed to be footloose, fancy free or ‘sexually-liberated’, just not promiscuous with the morals of an alley cat; and let’s not forget the damage you are doing to your liver that’s already looking dodgy and in need of detoxification immediately before it goes on permanent strike! So wise up and learn that wise old mantra - EVERYTHING IN MODERATION! #ReignItIn
Your energy levels are through the roof - you’re like Tigger on a massive sugar rush, just make sure you don’t bounce too high! It’s all well and good being tireless like a tearaway toddler on the rampage, but not everyone can match your superman/woman stamina, so beware you don’t pi$$ people off with your up and at ‘em attitude 24/7! Chill out. Maybe even turn the dial down a notch - or try and go about your day like most mere mortals instead of a fully-fuelled space rocket ready to explode into the stratosphere, otherwise you risk being brought back down to earth with an almighty big bloody bang. #ControlYourself
You have received some powerful signs from the universe - stars twinkling away in the night sky like flashing lights at a nightclub are encouraging you to go out and party - well that’s how YOU interpret it, so anybody else with a different opinion that doesn’t tie in with your philosophy can politely f*ck off! NOBODY has the right to tell you you’re wrong because how the hell do they know what’s right and what’s wrong? How you want to perceive things is totally your decision, so study the skies and get whatever meaning you can from the stars - even if you do end up dazzling yourself with deluded BS! #SeeTheWorldThroughYourEyes
Big mouths and big opinions are triggering some pretty awful rows amongst your circle of friends - potentially splitting the circle into many segments. What you don’t want is for the divisions to turn nasty with rivals winding each other up, trying to gain superiority or being snide about other people’s suggestions, baying for blood and causing all out war! There’s enough problems in the world without adding your pi$$ poor excuse for arguments into the equation. Who actually gives a f*ck where you go on a Saturday night when there’s a cost of living crisis to contend with? So for the love of humanity and your sanity…get a bloody grip, and wind in your trap! #StopBeingAPompousPrat