Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Capricorn

STOP buying crap you don’t need online! You’re being very wasteful when it comes to splashing your surplus cash and you’ll look quite the fool sweetie when a real emergency rears its ugly, inconvenient head and you haven’t got a pot to pi$$ in - so to speak - as your bank account has run dry. Perhaps a stint in shopaholics anonymous might do you the power of good, or maybe it’s time to take a break from internet shopping, especially while under the influence of a few too many alcoholic beverages which render you incapable of self restraint and common sense; if you want to stop your bank manager morphing from Jekyll into Hyde, then turn off the bloody wifi! #TimeToDigitalDetox

Aquarius

This is the time to polish your professional appearance, because quite frankly sweetie, to say you’ve been underdressed lately is a bit of an understatement. Standards have well and truly slipped below par and you’re only one step away from wearing your slippers to the office. You need to abandon the loungewear, or at least only allow it to be worn in the comfort of your own home, where nobody can witness first hand how much you love to indulge in what’s becoming increasingly slobbish behaviour. It’s not an attractive look on you sweetie and could put off potential love interests. So unless you want to grow old and alone, ditch the tracksuit. NOW! #NoMoreElasticatedWaists

Pisces

You’ve been tucked away in your little festive cocoon munching and crunching on tasty delights for long enough. Step away from the Ferroro Rocher NOW duckie before you end up at the bottom of the box, surrounded by empty wrappers, feeling sticky, sickly, bloated and downright bloody gluttonous. You need to re-engage with human beings and re-enter the world to enjoy Mother Nature at her best. Explore your surroundings. Devour the countryside, the coast, the mountains, forests, lakes and delight in all the glorious sights, sounds and smells (apart from the eau de, or odour even, farmyard!) that the great outdoors offers. And the best bit of all - it’s FREE! #NatureIsMyFriend

Aries

Remember, it’s quality NOT quantity that matters most. For instance…the biggest cake in the bakery isn’t always the tastiest. And to further our cause, would you rather have hundreds of cheap shoes, where the heels break quickly, versus 10 incredible pairs of shoes that withstand the test of time and the elements? 14 days in a cheap & nasty hotel versus seven days in a luxury hotel? Crates of cheap vinegary plonk versus a quality bottle or two of decent-tasting, quaffable contents? And we all know how the penis comparison works, don’t we? Wink wink… we could go on, but that is where we shall rest our case, so stop being so damn greedy and bloody superficial. #MoreIsntAlwaysBetter

Taurus

Your to-do list is ever-growing and unless you get off your backside and start tackling it, then we’re afraid sweetie that you may collapse under the sheer weight of all the tasks waiting for you to start on them. The point being that only you, and you alone, can rectify this problem by simply getting stuck in, AND, when realisation finally bloody sinks in that NOBODY is going to come to your rescue. So suck it up and start on that list, working your way through it. May we suggest a rewards system? For every task completed you reward yourself with a treat - just not the alcohol variety or you may end up drunk and disorderly before you’re even halfway through! #HappinessIsFinishingAToDoList

Gemini

If something sounds too good to be true, then you can bet your bottom dollar that it is. For example…there’s this gorgeous designer outfit which you’ve coveted for eternity, but unfortunately, unless you rob a bank, there’s no way you can afford to buy it…but then you see a new fashion website selling this particular item for next to nothing…you get all excited as you ‘add to shopping cart’...then eagerly await its arrival. To say you’re flabbergasted when you unwrap it is a bit of an understatement. It looks NOTHING like the photo and don’t you feel an utter t**t for falling for such utter bull$hit in the first place! Cheap isn’t always cheerful! #LessonLearntAndHopefullyNeverRepeated

Cancer

Zip it…before you and your big mouth lands you in trouble. That politely means, please keep your OTT opinions to yourself. Your out of control ego thinks you are bang on the money with every comment you make, however sweetie, we won’t blow sunshine up your derriere! Just because you engage with the other megalomaniacs on social media does not make you right, and not everyone wants your opinion forced on them either. So shut the f**k up and give humanity a break by taking a leave of absence for the rest of the year. On the plus side, the digital detox will do you the power of good, and no more face-to-face confrontations should result in fewer people thinking and calling you a complete and utter t*t! #SaveUsFromPompousPeople

Leo

Be afraid…be VERY afraid…because it’s that time of year when you HAVE to empty out the cupboards of all those delicious and highly calorific treats leftover from Christmas and banish them until Easter. Yes we know that’s a good few months away, however sweetie, if you continue down the slippery path you are on, systematically working your way through every resident on Quality Street, by the time Easter rolls around, your body will resemble the shape of an egg and it’s you who will be rolling around... We know a tremendous amount of willpower is needed to carry out the dastardly deed of abandoning your secret sweetie stash, but you must resist and remain strong. #ChocolateIsMyKryptonite

Virgo

You have a crush on someone and even though you know they are completely out of your reach, the kind of stuff that only exists in fairy tales… it doesn’t stop you longing for and dreaming about the impossible. Now we could be all caring and comforting, whilst telling you to hold on to your dreams, HOWEVER, that would be completely misleading and very wrong because let’s face it sweetie, fantasies are just fantasies, they take place in your mind, not in reality and never the two shall meet. So to put it in a nutshell…it’s NEVER GOING TO BLOODY HAPPEN! Get your head out of the clouds and back down to planet Earth pronto. #RealitySucks

Libra

It’s the ‘new me’ month when everyone 1: Joins the gym. 2: Purchases an insane amount of gym gear for posing in on social media. 3: Films their super healthy meals. 4: Documents how many steps they’ve done that day. Now cut to a few weeks later and they have, 1: Deserted the gym. 2 Are flogging the lycra on Ebay - not a euphemism, much... 3: Selfies are now back to being taken from the shoulders up ONLY. 3: Scoffing curries and washing them down with gallons of beer. 4: The only steps taken are those from the lounge to the kitchen to the bathroom and to the bedroom, and back again! Think how silly they wouldn’t be looking now had they not announced their intentions to the entire world. Sort out your bragging rights from your wrongs! #ThinkBeforeYouPost

Scorpio

You definitely have a ‘type’, but have you ever given thought to the possibility of maybe, just maybe, being a little bit more diverse? Just because you love strawberry tarts and you’ve only ever eaten strawberry tarts doesn’t mean that every now and again you couldn’t indulge in perhaps a custard slice! There are so many tempting treats to choose from in the patisserie, and there’s also a big wide world filled with interesting and exciting people for you to eat cake with (so to speak) once you’ve filtered out the idiots! Stop being so bloody boring, broaden your horizons and palate. You may be pleasantly surprised and realise just what you have been missing out on. #VarietyIsTheSpiceOfLife

Sagittarius

Baby it’s cold outside…and you are so NOT ready to tackle the elements just yet. You’re avoiding invitations for social gatherings as you cannot muster the strength to get out of your PJs, slipper and slanket, and your backside needs surgically removing from the sofa…your safe place, where it’s warm, comfortable and has all your needs close by, including a perfect view of the telly where you can get lost in yet ANOTHER box set. Perhaps normal service will resume next month, however if the weather remains so bloody unpredictable then we’re afraid you may be in hibernation for the foreseeable future. #BattenDownTheHatches