Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Aquarius

Last month was a complete washout as far as your new year’s resolutions went. In fact, it was a complete failure of epic proportions. First the healthy eating went tits up when that one little glass of fizz to celebrate losing a few pounds, ever so swiftly became a couple of bottles, followed by a drunken cupboard raid and mammoth food binge. And then your keep fit regime collapsed even faster than a house of cards built on quicksand. Then finally, to top off your month of abject misery, came financial ruin where you spent your entire wages within 48 hours, which meant you were eating like an impoverished student, with ZERO social life. Hopefully lessons have been learned Aquarians, so don’t bloody do it again!!! #Same$hitDifferentMonth

Pisces

You’ve been cooped up inside for far too long and, even though it’s bitterly cold outside, if you remain confined to barracks for much longer, you’re in grave danger of succumbing to cabin fever. So be brave sweetie - wrap up warm, embrace nature, and breathe in the glorious fresh air, savouring every wonderful moment whilst simultaneously freezing your butt off. Don’t worry though…a cold numb backside means you can do shed loads of squats without feeling the burn; so not only will you feel better for being out in the open, but you will be building a firm and fabulous derriere to be proud of. #NoIfsOrButts

Aries

Draw up a new list of goals that you would like to achieve over the next few months, but for the love of humanity, please make sure this list is actually doable and none of that unrealistic ‘if pigs could fly’ bull$hit. Be realistic and be honest. If you are not inclined to get off your bum to go into the next room to ask the occupant a question rather than texting them from the sofa, then how on earth do you expect to run a mini marathon?! Get in the real world people. Put your sensible hat on and start off small, setting little achievable goals that you actually have a chance of fulfilling, and then sweetie, you won’t feel like a complete and utter numpty if/when you spectacularly fail. #RealityAlwaysWinsTheDay

Taurus

It’s time to get your arse back in gear as it hasn’t moved that much since being incarcerated over the festive period. There’s a big wide world waiting to welcome you back, so put down the phone before you fall down the TikTok/Instagram/Twitter (other equally addictive platforms are available) rabbit hole and NEVER come back out. The great things about being outdoors are: real people to see and interact with; interesting things to do; and amazing things to see, IN THE FLESH. The world is far more beautiful up close in real life rather than viewed vicariously through a screen…so heed this warning, otherwise you’ll end up a permanent resident in the Metaverse. #SocialMediaSaddo#1

Gemini

After the $hit show that was Valentine's day, you’ve come to the conclusion that the only way you’ll partake in this nonsense going forward is to celebrate your love for yourself! Oh yes Gemini…it’s time for lots and LOTS of self love and NO, we don’t mean *THAT* kind of self love either (privacy essential!) We actually mean it’s time to look after yourself, be kind to yourself, putting yourself and your needs first. You need to be priority numero uno and please don’t let anybody tell you any different…even Marks & Sparks and their damned Dine In For 2 deals - just be a greedy guts and devour the whole thing yourself! Sharing isn’t always caring! #MyLifeMyRulesMyLove

Cancer

Think twice before spouting wild theories on social media just to make yourself look clever, and if you really feel compelled to, like a moth to a flame, then please, PLEASE do your homework…otherwise you will be accused of talking complete and utter bull$hit, not to mention the pile on from every other overly-opinionated person who, just like you, is spouting their different shades of crap and nonsense! If you’re going to open yourself up to criticism and ridicule then you really need to be well informed and factually correct, or have the skin of a rhino, because we all know that social media - especially Toxic Twitter - takes no prisoners! #KnowYourStuff

Leo

Your love life is like a rollercoaster…up, down, bumpy, exhilarating, terrifying and on occasion can leave your legs feeling rather shaky and your tummy hosting some rather fierce butterflies, or like a washing machine on a fast spin cycle. The important question being, do you want to stay on the ride and go around again for lots of thrills and spills? Or do you want to get off and never ever get back on? It’s a tough decision sweetie, but one that only you can make. The outcome will either be an exciting adventure with who the hell knows what’s around the corner; OR…a life where you become a timid scaredy cat. #DontBeAPussy

Virgo

You’re charming your way into a lot of hearts this month with your never-ending supply of kindness, helpfulness, and that big old shoulder, which has been a sanctuary for family and friends alike; so much so that it’s now sodden from all the tears that have fallen, and all the snot which was snivelled. In future, perhaps a box of tissues should be installed before the shoulder gets offered up again, otherwise your clothing is going to resemble the aftermath of a local slug convention! This is not an attractive look nor particularly hygienic, so, henceforth, the shoulder-giving comes with a disclaimer! #StopTheSnot

Libra

You keep hearing those condescending words: ”it’s not a big deal”. Well do you know what? It IS a bloody big deal. How dare people assume your diva tantrums aren’t totally justified and your teeny tiny tantrums unwarranted. When you throw a full on bitch fit, it’s because it is totally and utterly necessary, otherwise your anger festers - and everyone who knows you well is under absolutely no illusions that there’s only one way the blood pressure situation will go, and that’s UP. Oh yes sweetie, you will blow up like a volcano, spewing your hot scorn on whoever had the audacity to pi$$ you off in the first place. Thankfully for those around you, your temper is dormant most of the time. #GoWithTheFlow

Scorpio

Stop provoking people online just to get a reaction. You’re being a very needy Scorpio and it’s all looking rather sad and desperate sweetie. All it proves is that you have NOTHING meaningful, or ANYTHING of any substance going on in your life at present, and you feel the need to create drama with others to make you look important, knowledgeable, and relevant. What a load of old bollocks! Get a grip and get a life before you end up a social media pariah with a bad squint from way too many hours trawling FaceBook and Twitter, jumping on any old bandwagon that’s trending, with yet ANOTHER bloody opinion! #SocialMediaSaddo#2

Sagittarius

You are more than likely to veer off track this month, especially where food and drinkies are concerned. According to friends and family, your healthy eating regime has quite frankly turned you into a boring, miserable old git and they’ve demanded that normal behaviour resumes with immediate effect. Just remember sweetie, ease yourself in gently and don’t go over-the-top or you’ll end up with hiccups from all the fizz…or stained teeth from red wine…or a bloated belly that can now only withstand loose clothing…or wind so bad that you could fly a kite…or the mother of all hangovers that renders you useless. Or ALL of those ‘ills’! #ConsiderThisAWarning

Capricorn

Life has been a little bewildering lately. In fact you could say that you’ve been walking around in a bit of a daze. Now that could be down to a little too much of the giggle juice - hey, we show no judgement here, as we also love a little tipple or two. Or it could be down to the fact that you have no bloody idea of what you want out of life at this moment in time. Welcome to the real world sweetie. Most folk can’t even decide which side of the bed to get out of in the morning, let alone make life-altering decisions on a whim. So don’t fret. Rome wasn’t built in a day; build your life brick by brick, and every now and then, take a break to step back and admire that great life you’ve built so far. #BobTheBuilder