February 2022

Menopausal Hotties

The hottest topic in town: Hottie’s Menopause Manual

menopausal hotties profile photo

The Emma Heaven magazine is proud to present the Hottie’s Menopause Manual..

Did you know that there are - brace yourselves - 34 reported symptoms associated with the menopausal journey?

Ohhh yes hotties you read that right! Not 3 to 4 but a goddamn 34 of the cheeky little blighters. You may want to make a cuppa or pour yourself a large glass, and sit comfortably as it’s a looooong list.

Do not fear though warrior hotties, as we are going to take them in our stride and steadily work our way through them.

Hopefully this will arm you with the knowledge, power and humour required in order to deal with the emotional and physical minefield that is the menopause.

We begin with…

1: Irregular Periods

Normally this starts in the run up to the full on menopause, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here hotties, remember to walk before you run. Before we reach the giddy heights of the menopause we go through a stage called the perimenopause.

Jeez Louise, it’s like a hormonal assault course out there in our hotties world.

So what does this mean for us? How does this perimenopause affect us? And how long will it last?

Great questions dear hotties so let’s explore in more detail.

One of the first signs you're entering the rollercoaster world of perimenopause can be irregular, crazy sporadic periods, and altered menstrual cycles.

They can become unusually light, missing a few here and there, or extra heavy. The unpredictable nature can be frustrating and downright annoying to say the least.

Guess what? This stage normally starts around four years before the menopause. Yes that’s right hotties - four Goddamn years of erratic periods, oh joy of joys!

It’s all down to our female hormones oestrogen and progesterone as they start to decline. This causes these fluctuations in our menstrual cycles and then some, but more about that in the upcoming editions.

Remember hotties, it’s a marathon not a sprint - so get your best trainers on!

Just as a side note, menopause is classed when ‘you’ve not had a period for at least 12 months straight’.

Worth pointing out to consult with your GP or medical professionals if you are experiencing irregular or unusual periods, and you’ve not been diagnosed as being perimenopausal. They are a font of information and are very reassuring with suggestions and remedies to help alleviate this confusing and stressful time.

Hotties do you want the good or not so good news?

The good news is: you're fabulous and there is support.

The not so good is that 80% of us will experience an average of 10 symptoms out of the known 34. At least no one can say we are greedy!!

So that’s Number 1: covered. Next month we turn the heat up as we explore Number 2: Hot Flushes.

Better get those fans ready hotties, as it’s going to get hot hot hot!

Bye for now you gorgeous hotties, and I’ll see you next month for number two, so to speak...

Love Julie x

Hottie’s Menopause Manual

25. Anxiety

The peri/menopause journey is rather like stepping onto a rollercoaster for the first time although with much less choice or warning!

You're scared $hitless because you don’t know how you are going to feel. Or what, or when.

You strap yourself in, then somebody comes to check that you’re secured properly.

They give you that knowing look - they know what’s ahead but you don’t; then off you go and there’s no stopping it. You’re in for the duration and there’s no getting off!

The journey starts with a slow chug-chug-chugging at first, lulling you into a false sense of security!

Ahhh, maybe this will be ok after all? Will it BOLLOCKS!?! Keep dreaming sisters - this ain’t no picnic!

As you ascend to the top of the ride, fear of the unknown cripples you and your anxiety levels reach Defcon 3.

You try to catch your breath but f*ck me, you’ve been launched over the top and are in total free fall as the ride twists and turns, throwing and rattling you from side to side; and then, just when you think you’re getting the measure of it, it decides to turn your world upside down!

What the actual f*ckety f*ck is happening now?

Ladies - it’s not so much Welcome to the Pleasuredome, but welcome to the MENOPAUSE! Sorry, Frankie…

Now if that little scenario hasn’t already given you the jitters, then ANOTHER of Mother Nature’s gift to us ladies of a certain age - step forward symptom No 25 on our long list of what the f*ck is going to be thrown at us next - ANXIETY, just might! And let’s nip this in the bud right here and now before you ask what’s the cause. You don’t need a fancy degree to work this one out. It’s those ever-fluctuating hormones causing mischief, mayhem and madness once more.

Now menopause can be an emotionally challenging experience at the best of times, but when your anxiety is let loose, well, it takes your stress management to a whole new level.

The anxiety can occur because falling oestrogen levels change the way our brains function, with oestrogen being linked to levels of serotonin (the happy hormone); and levels of cortisol (the stress hormone). So in a nutshell Hotties, when our oestrogen drops our serotonin drops and our cortisol rises, meaning our happiness levels lower whilst our stress levels elevate, leaving us anxious and pi$$ed off. What a gift eh?!?

Here is what we can look forward to if anxiety strikes:

  • Fast heart rate
  • Fast breathing
  • Heart palpitations
  • Chest pain
  • Headaches
  • Dry mouth
  • Nausea
  • Shaking or tremors
  • Sweating
  • Panic attacks – these are severe attacks of anxiety, fear, and panic that occur suddenly, often without warning, and for no apparent reason and can be very scary.

So how can we keep our anxiety in check fellow Hotties?

It’s always good to talk. Talk to fellow Hotties:

  • Support groups where you can discuss symptoms and helpful strategies with fellow hotties. But remember - what works for others may not work for you. It can be trial and error. 
  • Holistic therapists can recommend a whole host of therapies to help relax you and alleviate and reduce anxiety. Tho be warned, there are quite a few charlatans out there, ready to prey upon our anxiety and desperation!
  • Most importantly, your GP/healthcare provider can help you navigate this complete $hit show, by prescribing suitable medication to alleviate symptoms or helping you get any therapy needed.

Next, follow the drill - it will help you to help yourself. It’s not rocket science ladies, it’s just common sense.

And to finish off with this little old chestnut: An anxiety-busting playlist to help you mellow out.

Weightless - Marconi Union
Pure Shores - All Saints
Strawberry Swing - Coldplay
Watermark - Enya
Sunshine On My Shoulders - John Denver
Under Pressure - Queen/David Bowie
Bridge Over Troubled Waters - Simon & Garfunkel
Patience - Take That
Let It Be - The Beatles
Footprints In The Sand - Leona Lewis
Viva Forever - Spice Girls
Time To Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman & Andrea Bocelli

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Tags: Menopausal Hotties