Lady P - February 2022
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers!
I am honoured and thrilled to be the travel correspondent for the global phenomenon that is emmaheaven.com. My name is Lady Perdita Fitzwilliam Tudor-Croft, Perdy to friends, Ditsy D to family and Dirty Dita to my unsavoury exes, but you can all call me Lady P.
Greetings and salutations my ravishing readers, and oh what a joyous month it’s been. The hellish detox has ended, so one is feeling AND looking rather fabulous, and one has those delightful gorgeous gals at EH HQ to thank for that!
After reading last month’s not so subtle hint about visiting a health spa, not only did they agree but they managed to find *THE* most luxurious and relaxing spa in the Cotswolds where one has been residing for the past week, keeping one’s head down (so to speak…)
I have been sampling every possible delicious treatment on offer, including mind and movement classes which are devoted to relaxing, restoring and nurturing one’s wellbeing in a gentle holistic way. The mind boggles with some of the treatments, however, you know me so well darlings - I’ll try anything once!
“I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure”
So you probably want to know what went down - so to speak - you know how partial I am to sharing all of my exploits with you, well almost everything, although nowadays Daddy and his legal team insist I run everything past them first just in case I overshare and someone takes umbrage with it.
Pffft! People get so testy these days over the teeniest tiniest of things. Daddy says I need to engage my brain before opening my mouth, or failing that, I should have my mouth permanently muzzled. How rude! And how terribly limiting that would be on one’s prowess and romantic prospects…
Anyway, I digress…
Back to my smorgasbord of treatments which included an Epsom salt foot bath ritual to draw toxins from the body. It was almost as divine as having one’s toes sucked and thankfully a LOT more dignified, especially if the paparazzo happened to be lurking in a bush with a telescopic lens! Fergie still hasn’t managed to shake off that sorry debacle, although I think she’s got far more pressing concerns closer to home these days…
One has enjoyed several massages during one’s spa stay. A Japanese shiatsu massage to open the body’s meridians and unblock its energy channels. I had to Google this and was most intrigued when one read that shiatsu means ‘finger pressure’, thus I wasted no time at all booking myself in with a male masseur. Let’s just say he was an absolute genius with his expert dexterous finger technique. Whoever said ‘let your fingers do the talking’ must've had first hand experience of this guy!
The Swedish massage was as to be expected, and let’s just say that the tensions and areas of concern were expertly dealt with and banished. They even popped a heated chakra stone on one’s abdomen to improve gut health, which in retrospect was an inspired move as one had overindulged on some supremely tempting puddings the night before, all washed down with lashings of fizz. It's safe to say there were some serious bloating issues taking up residence which needed eliminating immediately.
One has indulged in some rather wonderful Indian head massages which really do calm the mind, and the divine oil they used has really helped one’s hair look lustrous.
The restorative breathwork has helped one’s ‘oral stamina’ enormously - I believe one will be able to engage in a lot more oral pleasures without struggling for breath; and you all know how much I love a good yoga class, so this place has elevated my flexibility to a whole new level.
All in all this week one has sampled herbal saunas, crystal steam rooms and a vitality pool which was so divine that one only relented and came back to terra firma when one’s skin pruned so much that, instead of looking revitalised, I started to look like a shrivelled old crone, which quite frankly brought on more than a few palpitations, with nary a ginger prince in sight! Thankfully, the restorative breathwork instructor was on hand to soothe away one’s anxiety, teaching me some novel deep breathing methods and kindly allowed me to practise them on him…
The meditation classes left one feeling rather flustered, especially upon closing one’s eyes whilst trying to relax and clear one’s mind. This proved a tad difficult given that one’s mind kept wandering to a clandestine liaison I had had with a rather dishy beefcake I encountered on a recent night out at Heaven - boy did he take me to heaven and back!
One finished off the week with crystal healing which has now become a new found obsession and one now has quite the collection of crystals. I do love the odd dazzling rock or two or three or four, who doesn’t? Add to that the pleasure and adrenaline rush that comes with shopping and discovering these gorgeous treasures and voila, you have one very happy Lady. Although nothing quite hits the spot like diamonds do!
So my darling readers, one is very happy, restored and rejuvenated and ready to take on the world of travel once more. I wonder where the magazine will send me next. One can feel the excitement building.
**STOP PRESS** I can’t see the gals at EH HQ asking me to participate in the office coffee run anytime soon. In my own unique enthusiastic yet misguided way, on a recent visit to the local Starbucks, I found the caffeine smells to be so evocative of the spa’s wonderful caffeine enema treatment, that before I knew it, I’d ordered a chilled double espresso. My next memory is of being escorted off the premises. Looks like Daddy’s legal team are really going to be earning their fee this month…
***Note to Team Heaven HQ***
Much as I want to hit the Alpine slopes to catch the best of the winter’s snowfall, I am leaning towards a diving holiday, not least to consolidate my new found deep breathing skills and boost my lung capacity. You could send me to Center Parcs for their pool facilities during the imminent school half-term holiday break. BUT. Friendly word of advice - it will probably be cheaper to send me business class to the Caribbean! I’m a font of money-saving advice - so don’t let Daddy tell you any different my darlings! xx
Tags: Lady P