Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
You’re giving so much of yourself to people, it physically and mentally hurts. Your body is knackered from all the running around you do, PLUS, your brain has been reduced to mush from all the advice and help people keep asking for and taking. It's time to STOP…take a step back and for once in your life the time has come for you to put yourself FIRST! If you are not taking care of yourself, then how on earth are you supposed to help yourself? As the flight safety message goes - fit your own oxygen mask first! When you can breathe and function properly…only then can you help others - so wise the f*ck up buttercup….and FAST! #MakeYourselfAPriority
Aren’t I fabulous? Well yes dear you most certainly are and self belief is very important, HOWEVER, lately you are running the risk of pi$$ing people off BIG TIME. Why? Because you’re walking around like Billy-Big-Bollocks, acting as though you are cock of the walk…treating people like $hit because you have an over-inflated sense of importance. It’s time for a reality check…have a quiet word with the ego and dial the arrogance down several notches. And try not to crap on anyone on your way up the ladder - because there is one guarantee in life - you WILL meet them on your way back down!
You need to cultivate a new circle of friends as yours has depleted rather rapidly over recent months, mostly ‘thanks’ to petty squabbles and childish behaviour. When seeking out those special folk you want to join your inner circle, remember to use the all-important criteria set out by our favourite film heroine - Bridget Jones - steer clear of “alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fu*kwits or perverts.” This essential list of people to avoid will hopefully ensure a smoother running of your social life in the foreseeable or, it could actually fuel the fire and your ‘friend’ circle goes up in smoke! #ChooseWisely
Sparks are flying with certain people as you all jostle for ‘top dog’ status within your friend circle. Everyone thinks that they have the best ideas on where to go and what to do…the hottest places to see and be seen …the hippest, trendiest, best looking individuals who could elevate your popularity even further on Insta. But here’s the problem - who gives a flying f*ck except YOU and your fellow friends? Who wants to be shallow, superficial and so up their own ar$e that they can out-flex their yoga teacher?! Get a grip, get a (real) life and have a word with yourself…FAST! You CAN have style AND substance! #DontBeADick
You are being forced to make decisions regarding your love life, because come on, let’s face it sweetie - it’s a bomb ready to be detonated, taking out everyone within a 5 mile radius of you and the fallout will be just as messy as the explosion itself. Toxic relationships need to be dealt with swiftly and efficiently. Soooooo, if someone is being a complete and utter knob head and treating you like $hit, then please show them the friggin’ door ASAP. Have some self-respect, know your worth, and for the love of cupid, STOP lowering your standards! #BetterToBeAloneThanWithACompleteTw*t
You are a drama king/queen, at the mercy of your feelings, flip-flopping from absolute utter delight and contentment, super confident and feeling on top of the world, to “oh my god, I can’t cope with this $hit anymore” and hitting rock bottom. It’s time to start that all important journey - a quest so to speak - where you make that vital discovery…your happy place! And when you reach that destination, FFS, please try staying there for the foreseeable so your loved ones finally get a break from your ever-changing personality and constant, rollercoaster dramatics which can be a LOT to take in, especially in the space of less than 24 hours! #GetAGrip
The mundane life is so not for you! Anything other than all-singing and all-dancing renders you bored $hitless and witless, longing for more! To you, life is one big party and your motto is “it’s better to burn out than fade away” and you most definitely intend to go out in a blaze of glory! Life is not a dress rehearsal and you only have one go at it! Soooo sweetie, throw everything - including the kitchen sink - into a life that’s chock-a-block full of fabulous events designed to make the most incredible memories which you can look back on with pride as you toast yourself with a bottle or two of your favourite tipple, because you conquered and enjoyed that crazy trip called life! #ChooseLife
You’re a very OTT touchy-feely person and whilst that may be ok with your nearest and dearest it is most certainly NOT ok for the general public. You must learn to be more hands-off and less with the ‘give us a hug’ approach because it may land you in trouble - or court - if you pi$$ off the wrong person who totally does not get your over-enthusiastic personality. Nobody wants to be branded a menace to society or accused of sexual harrasment which is so easily done these days! So going forward sweetie, unless you know the person extremely well and your over-familiar greeting will be well received, then may we suggest you back the f*ck off and settle for a polite handshake or wave. Air kiss and a$$ kiss advisedly!! #YouCanThankUsLater
STOP wasting your time having pointless spats with idiots who just like to shout their bull$hit opinions from the rooftop, believing them to be true and the only opinions that matter. Listen up sweetie, you're fighting a losing battle with social media trolls who just love to pick an argument and have no idea what proper debate is all about, so give them a wide berth and by that we mean…scroll past their posts…DO NOT READ…DO NOT COMMENT…DO NOT GIVE THEM THE ATTENTION THEY CRAVE. And in extreme cases - block the plonkers…Remember: arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon - no matter how good you are, they’re going to $hit all over the board and strut around like it won anyway! #StopEngagingWithThePlebs
STOP saying yes to everyone - you are not a doormat sweetie, neither are you a personal maid, agony aunt, counsellor, chauffeur, delivery service, cook, commander-general, scientist, doctor nor an all-knowing bloody oracle! You are just far too nice a person and way too accommodating which allows people to take the pi$$. You can be helpful without sacrificing yourself on the altar of friendship everytime someone makes a request, so learn to say NO when it impacts your life and stops you doing the things that you want to do instead of doing what others want you to do. Boundaries darling, boundaries! #PutYourselfFirst
Online shopping is dangerous territory for you. ‘Add to basket’ is such a simple instruction that you follow all too readily and before you know what's happened - the pay button has been pressed and the goods are on the way. Meanwhile your PayPal/credit card/ bank account has taken yet another hammering, the bills start accumulating and you are on the slippery slope to being up to your neck in debt - the only way out (usually) would be taking on extra hours at work, but they’re cutting back so that’s not an option…looks like you’ll be selling your possessions on eBay or the local car boot sale, or - heaven help - the rather sad and last resort option of setting up an OnlyFans - which quite frankly is tacky, tasteless, demeaning and smacks of desperation! #KnowWhenToStop
You tend to lurch from one major self-inflicted crisis straight into another with no pause for breath in between! Really sweetie, do you have to be such a bloody drama queen?! NOBODY has, needs or wants that many dilemmas to sort through in life, and you can turn a drama into a crisis in a nanosecond of an empty room!! Step away from stressful people and situations temporarily whilst you work on surrounding yourself with a calm and tranquil environment. Soothing suggestions include: relaxing music, incense, enjoying nature and a bloody big glass/bottle of plonk - for medicinal purposes only tho, OBVIOUSLY!!! #ChillTheF*ckOut