Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Don’t gloss over your feelings just so other people don’t feel so bad. If someone has made you feel like $hit with either bad behaviour or nasty, bitchy comments then you have a duty to yourself and them to inform them that they’ve behaved like a complete numpty and you’ll no longer tolerate it. It will be a huge weight off your shoulders and nothing feels quite so good as standing up for and asserting yourself; however, if they don’t back the f**k down and apologise, then by all means, retaliate with all guns blazing sweetie. Nobody can rise to the occasion like you can. And remember, as Rambo said - “They drew first blood, not me. Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe!” #TrashTalking #JawJawNotWarWar
Being open-minded is the key to your social success. Without it you may be cast out into social Siberia, where freezing your arse off alone will be the least of your problems sweetie! You need to put all snobbery outside and embrace new adventures. Don’t be afraid to whip off the comfort blanket and boldly go where you have NEVER gone before. Drinking in your local wine bar until the day you get carted off to rehab, Alcoholics Anonymous or actually snuff it, is NOT going to broaden your horizons or enrich your life. So STOP being a bloody barroom bore…there’s a whole wide world out there waiting to be discovered and enjoyed. #GetAlife
You're feeling very judged by those around you and they have absolutely no idea what you are actually going through - and quite frankly, nor is it any of their bloody business. You don’t have to explain your actions, thoughts or words for that matter to anyone. YOU are in charge of you and if your nearest and dearest cannot sympathise or try to understand how you are feeling….then f**k them! You need to surround yourself with people who love and are supportive of you - ‘warts and all’! Distance yourself from the bitchy, fickle, critical folk who strive for perfection and demand it of others into the nearest black hole - forget about them. Half the fun in life is messing up big time, then looking back and laughing at the complete balls up you made! Imperfect or I’m Perfect?!? Hmmmm…. #EmbraceImperfection #WartsAndAll
What is the secret of your success? Well first and foremost it’s the art of not giving a f**k. You learnt a long time ago to let go of all the bull$hit in your life, coupled with not giving a hoot about what people think of you has led to a more productive, happy and carefree life - and long may it reign! Gone are the days when you would fret over every decision taken, every move you made, or every word you uttered worrying if people might take your actions and words the wrong way. Well sweetie, thankfully all that crap is in the past and it’s time to carry on moving forward and living life to the max! #FranklyMyDearIDontGiveADamn
You are sorely tempted to drop a few truth bombs. HOWEVER, please stop and ask yourself this… will they be wanted, will they be well received or even appreciated, before you go wading in, in your large wellies, kicking up a load of $hit in the process?!? Even if you know what you’re saying is 100% true, thinking it in your head and actually blurting it out aloud are two entirely different things which will no doubtedly come with consequences, especially if the injured party/parties are left hurt, humiliated, flabbergasted, angry, dazed, or totally gobsmacked that you had the audacity to comment on their life in the first place WITHOUT being bloody asked! #EngageTheBrainBeforeOpeningMouth #SilenceIsGolden
Have you been playing the field? Are you trying to juggle one too many dates? Have you got to the point when you turn up and you have to double check who the hell it is you’re seeing on that particular day? Well sweetie, you’re starting to behave like a bit of a tramp and if you don’t reign it in soon, there may be trouble ahead! NOBODY likes being two-timed, let alone three, four or five times! It must be exhausting for you to try and keep up with all your little indiscretions and ‘distraction’, so a little word to the wise…pick ONE and if that doesn’t work…then move on to someone new, or we promise you this…someone is going to get hurt. Let’s hope it’s not you…a bloody nose or black eye is soooo not the most attractive look on you.
People keep telling you that getting fit and healthy is fun and rewarding, however, you’re just not feeling it and that's NOTHING to be ashamed of. Unfortunately the supposed release of endorphins washes over you like a damp cloth and the only thing you get excited about is the fact you have burned off extra calories allowing you to stuff yourself with more ‘treats’! The only burn you like to feel is down the curry house with your friends, Madras, vindaloo and a bloody big glass of beer to wash it all down with. Time to resign yourself to the fact that the only exercise you’re likely to get will be running to the loo as the extra hot chillies pass through you faster than a hot knife through butter! #HotToTrot
You like to lead a private life and nothing makes your blood boil more than someone on a night out, photographing EVERY single detail and then plastering both you and them all over social media. You’re thinking WTAF? and, has this person actually got a life! We recommend pulling them to one side and politely pointing out that rather than miss out on enjoying real life in real time, to try putting that bloody phone down for a nano second or ten, and connect with humans in the flesh rather than cyberspace. If that doesn’t work, perhaps a small threat of using your image without your consent will result in you taking legal action against them should hopefully stop them in their tracks, and maybe, just maybe, they will think twice before papping you and posting in future! #YouHaveBeenWarned #NoStingLikeAScorpioSting
It’s time to get down to business. Instead of talking about what you are going to do…try getting off your tush and actually do it! You can wax lyrical all you like but if you don’t put it into action sweetie, it ain’t ever gonna happen. You can certainly talk the talk, but now you need to walk the walk - actions speak a LOT louder than words. You have lots of fabulous ideas but if they remain in that pretty little head of yours then the people around you won’t be able to see the magic for themselves. Be brave, be bold, be brilliant…or go back to being a bloody bore, living in your own world, lamenting the fact that you don’t have the balls needed (metaphorically speaking) to bring your dreams to life! #StopDreamingStartDoing
So many possibilities are about to unfold before your very eyes if you allow them to. You are quite renowned for being a stubborn old goat, set in your ways and only prepared to listen to one’s person's opinions - YOUR OWN. Listen carefully, as we will say this only once…GET OVER YOURSELF - PRONTO! Who the hell do you think you are?...an all knowing oracle…a font of information…a prophet…the human equivalent of Wikipedia? NOBODY knows EVERYTHING and this haughty attitude of yours is about as much use to you as a chocolate teapot. It’s time to change your thinking and STOP being an almighty ar$ehole, or before long, the only person who will want to talk to you is YOU, and you alone! #InsufferableKnowItAll
You’re known for being stubbornly independent but that doesn’t mean you have to do everything on your own, nor does it mean that you’re not capable of doing things yourself…it’s just quite simple really, if help is on offer, why would you turn it down? Are you that much of a pretentious numpty that you think you can do absolutely EVERYTHING. Reality check sweetie - the only people who can do everything are superheroes and here’s some myth busting news….they don’t bloody exist…they are fictional characters that do not live in the real world. So get your head out of the clouds, put your feet back on the ground and when someone does offer a helping hand - take it! #DontBeAPlonker
Lots of people would benefit from your advice. It’s fair to say you’ve been through some $hit in your time and come out the other end smelling of roses and other interesting aromas…so maybe you could offer some thoughtful insights into how people cope with and tackle similar problems themselves. Just a small word of caution…however good your intentions might be, not everyone will see it that way. Some might appreciate your concern and are grateful for any input and insight you might have, whereas others might be outraged that you’re sticking your nose into their private life, and then others might just tell you to ever so politely ‘go forth and fornicate’, aka f**k off and mind ya business! You can’t please everyone, but you can be there for those who want help. #PleaseOrOffend