Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!
Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Difficult feelings surface this month and there’s only one way to deal with them - overindulge in ALL things naughty. Yes, it’s time to lavish yourself with presents; a little - no actually - make that a LOT of pampering, topped off with some decadent Michelin star food, washed down with a few glasses of champers. OR, if you're temporarily strapped for cash, some gifts courtesy of Messrs Mastercard and Visa, which you promise to pay off in full when the bill arrives. Otherwise, it’s some cucumber for the eyelids, a homemade face mask consisting of leftover yoghurt and some dried herbs & spices languishing at the back of the cupboard, a chippy dinner, and a cheap bottle of Lambrusco. #MyLifeIsEitherFeastOrFamine
You have a particularly rocky relationship with money. As soon as you get it in your hand, you don’t seem able to keep a hold of it. You have to learn that you’re not obliged to spend your money ALL the time until such time your bank balance runs on empty. In fact, sometimes it is good to save it for a rainy day…picture the scene… you’re out on the town, caught in a downpour, getting bloody soaked to the bone. Typically, you’re about a mile away from the bus station with no brolly to hand. This is exactly the type of scenario when those extra readies will come in handy as you’re able to afford a taxi ride home before anyone witnesses the unflattering, squelching, bedraggled mess you have become. #EmergencyFundsEssential
You have one hell of an idea and, although you’re excited to share this with your nearest and dearest, you’re a tad worried that they will take the pi$$ out of you. Previous ‘form’ and behaviour suggests that this merciless mocking could be relentless and just might tip your sunny personality over the edge of a bloody big cliff, causing one almighty family bust up, the likes of which have not been seen since the cancellation of last year’s Christmas…And THAT was one tricky situation that has left a nasty taste in the mouth and some family members STILL not speaking. So sweetie, it’s time to weigh up your options…to reveal or not to reveal…and only YOU can answer that question! #FamilyWars
Your inner circle are behaving so badly, a night out now resembles backstage at a Drag Queen convention, complete with gossipy bitchfests and slanging matches that would make grown men blush AND weep! Really people…what’s with all the trash talking? It’s time to embrace your nice side - spread the love, NOT the nasty rumours. Remember that old saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…then don’t say anything at all”? It’s a good mantra to adopt and should be used accordingly when biting your tongue which could result in an impromptu visit to A&E! That would be way too painful, and a fat bleeding tongue is sooo not a good look! #ZipIt
You require a little ‘me’ time and what you do during that ‘me’ time is nobody's business but your own. Yes, it is perfectly reasonable to ask for recommendations but, ultimately duckie, time is precious and you can waste so much time trying out other people’s ideas of what rest and relaxation is all about. If your idea of quality time is snuggling up in front of the telly with a huge bowl of popcorn and a six pack of the beer variety, then you will have no interest whatsoever in creating a six pack in the gym. Or if getting down and dirty in the garden is more your thing to unwind, then it’s highly unlikely that cocktails and flirting at a trendy bar is going to float your boat. Know your own mind and do what makes you happy. #VarietyIsTheSpiceOfLife
Ready to quit your day job? Well sweetie, just make sure you jolly well do your homework thoroughly AND try and pick another where you just might actually enjoy the work for once. If you’re not a people person, then for the love of your own sanity, DON’T look for a job that involves a lot of colleagues who can easily get narked with your seemingly ‘aloof’ (introverted?) personality. On the other hand, if you do want to work with people then you have to make an effort to be friendly and fit in. No-one wants to be Billy no mates, eating lunch in an empty stairwell and crying their afternoon break away in a toilet cubicle! #BadDecisionsCanHaveDisastrousConsequences
It’s time to think outside the box. You always do the same things…go out with the same old crowd….wearing that same old ‘go-to’ outfit to the same old bars and clubs, and you even drink the same old drinks EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Well duckie, it’s time for change and to do something different that just might bring that much needed excitement and spontaneity back into your same old, predictable life. Get your creative thinking cap on and look for inspiration from real people with interesting hobbies and not the Instagram clone army! Just be realistic AND sober…it would be one hell of a shock if you woke up after a heavy session finding out that you’ve signed up to climb Mount Everest in May 2022! #Same$hitDifferentDay
It’s time to turn up the heat and we don’t mean your central heating, especially with gas prices rocketing out of the stratosphere…it’s another headache and worry we just don’t need at the moment! Alternatively, we find a large bottle of brandy will warm you just as efficiently and it’s a damn sight cheaper! Anyway, back to turning up the heat and yes fellow zodiac addicts, we refer to getting all hot and heavy with another human…now all that friction and body heat will definitely keep you toasty warm, and who doesn’t want to be desired…plus you can’t deny the health benefits…all those muscles worked hard and all those pesky calories burned off is the only fun way to lose weight. #CheaperAlternativesAreFarMoreFun
Are you ready to commit? Party season is upon us starting with Halloween and leading up to the festive season with EVERYONE just chomping at the bit to be unleashed on the party scene after being so bitterly denied last year. This is going to require some stamina though people, and lots of dosh to purchase some rather fabulous outfits with lashings of glitter…who doesn’t love a bit of sparkle?!...and you’ll need to be cash rich to indulge in lots of party food and drink. It’s a strict money and food diet for you and now is the time to squirrel away those pennies…just think of all the Christmas cocktails you will be able to devour; and lose those pounds…picture yourself in the most dazzling figure hugging outfits and voila…you’re ready to party like last year never happened! #ItsPartyTime
This month is all about self-care. You’ve been burning the candle at both ends with all the endless parties and nights out. It’s time to detox and debloat before you completely crash and burn. Top tips include: stashing away the booze so you don’t give into temptation, a damn good facial and by that we mean the works: scrub, mask, cleanse, tone, moisturise and anything else that can bring back the freshness which once occupied your face, versus the bloated, patchy, broken out mess with bloodshot eyes greeting you when you brave sneaking a peek in the mirror. You need to pamper your body, eat your five a day and hydrate and NO that doesn’t include a sneaky G&T even with the lemon! #YouGetOutWhatYouPutIn
You’re experiencing a style revolution…and you know what?…just go with the flow sweetie and embrace the inner fashionista that has been threatening to burst out of you for so long. You’ve been suppressing a need to be fabulous and flamboyant behind a plethora of boring beige ensembles and these dire fashion staples have slowly drained away your sunny personality, individuality and your radiant complexion, leaving you feeling and looking drab. Now is the time to step into the light to be bold and bright. To hell with what others say…their opinions aren’t worth diddly squat, so get your colour and sparkle inspiration going full speed ahead and be fashion fabulous darling! #BurstFreeFromTheBeige
Autumn and all the $hitty weather it brings with it can only mean one thing…oh yes, yes, YES…it’s time to hunker down duckie and start those lovely nights in, snuggling on the sofa in a onesie with a blanket to keep you toasty warm, watching box sets or anything new that Netflix has to offer while devouring lots of naughty treats that include a giant stash of chocolate, crisps, nuts or anything else remotely unhealthy as, let’s be honest…we can now start wearing cosy oversized knits which hide a multitude of sins meaning we can finally let go and indulge a little - or a lot - without everyone being able to see the growing spare tyre around your midriff! #ForeverAutumn