Just like horoscopes, Zodiac Zingers are a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth ~ and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!

So with this in mind, we at the Emma Heaven online magazine have decided to consult with the Zodiac gods - yes they do really exist - to see what crap life is about to throw at you, and what life-changing advice is essential for your star sign every month.

Failure to comply with your ‘Zodiac Zinger’ may result in us calling the celestial police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the pi$$ out of yourself!

Life is way too short and should be fun, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!

Scorpio

Obsessing over the past? Well duckie, unfortunately there’s absolutely NOTHING you can do to change it, so less of the melodramatics, wipe away those tears, and STOP with the ‘if onlys’, because they’re NOT going to help, unless you have a time machine - and let’s be honest here - they're bloody difficult to get hold of simply because they don’t bloody exist!! So stop wasting precious time on what you have done and instead focus your energies on what you are going to do. Life is for living and looking forward…NOT wasting precious time wishing we hadn’t said or done certain things in our past…Our advice? You can pretend it didn’t happen! #DoesAmazonSellTimeMachines

Sagittarius

Your leadership skills are going down really well at work. And why? Because you don’t rule with an iron fist, dictating what everyone else needs to be doing. You encourage team spirit and you get stuck in, especially at the bar for those after work drinkies! Your team particularly enjoys your generosity when you pick up the tab at the end of a messy night. And they love you even more when they haul themselves into work the following day to be met with plenty of TLC - in the guise of coffee, paracetamol and Alka Seltzer! PLUS, they pledge their eternal, undying love to you when you allow them extra time in which to get their work done after partaking in a small lunchtime snoozette... #IfCarlsbergDidBosses

Capricorn

Listen up lovely, you need to take a step back and evaluate your recent behaviour because lately you've been acting like a complete numpty. The long list of naughty conduct includes: throwing gargantuan bitch fits, ignoring anyone who doesn’t make you the centre of attention, spiteful sarcasm with nasty comments that would make a Real Housewife blush, and general bad behaviour more befitting a Z-list celebrity who’s been asked if they’ve got any work lined up - and we don’t just mean more OTT cosmetic procedures! You do know that if you continue down this path that you’ll get quite the reputation and no one will want to be around you?! #PlayNiceKiddies

Aquarius

You’re gearing up to achieve the goals you put in place a long, long, LONG time ago but couldn't be bothered to start at the time. They were ambitious, requiring a lot of work and dedication, but unfortunately you were in ‘f**k it…it can wait’ mode and so they were put on the back burner. NOW, you’ve realised that if you don’t shift your arse into gear, then they will NEVER come to fruition. FINALLY, you are someone with vision, someone with purpose, and someone with a bloody big point to make. Enjoy the process and be ready to congratulate yourself when it’s finally done and dusted, by toasting your efforts with a large glass of celebratory fizz! #GoalDigger

Pisces

Expand your horizons and NO, that does not mean seek out another wine bar to prop up at the weekend! It’s time for change, and variety is the spice of life, so go forth and find other things to do which don’t involve hours of primping and preening in front of the mirror after endless hours of the ‘what shall I wear?’ dilemma, culminating in ANOTHER night on the town, trashing your tonsils from screeching into your friends’ ears to make yourself heard above the endless racket spewing out of the gigantic, yet tinny speakers, which are NOT designed for the flow of scintillating conversation. What’s the point of a night out if you can’t hear a word people say!? #ThinkOutsideTheBoxAndTheBar

Aries

Do you want to enhance your animal magnetism? The answer is a resounding YES! Obviously you want to attract people, whether that be romantically or platonically. EVERYBODY wants to be liked and loved, so, sweetie, it’s time to turn up the wattage and revamp your image and polish that personality until it shines like the brightest star. You may have been a little dull of late, HOWEVER, that’s about to ALL change in spectacular style, when you burst on the scene looking and acting like a totally together, confident, fabulous, glamorous, bootylicious, and exciting you. #LookOutWorldHereICome

Taurus

Your very own love story starts NOW, and that could be love with another human, which involves lots of lovely, warm, fuzzy feelings and butterflies in the tummy, or it could be the love of an inanimate object such as a car, a watch or favourite handbag, conjuring up those same warm, fuzzy feelings and butterflies in the tum. Now we don’t judge and nor should anybody else, because love is love, and to be quite frank, who or what you choose to love is nobody's bloody business but yours alone. Just don’t harm anyone or anything! Love is a strange and powerful emotion that can be all-consuming, so please make sure you love responsibly! #AllYouNeedIsLove

Gemini

It’s fair to say you’re recovering from sugar shock, what with all the leftover Halloween candy you’ve been scoffing. You made sure this year that there was plenty for everyone, however, not many turned up to trick and treat, so rather than waste your bounty of treats, you decided that gluttony was the order of the day, and ever since you’ve been riding on a sugar high. Now is the time sweetie to relinquish the sweets before you go into a full blown sugar coma, not to mention the astronomical amount of calories you have consumed - they will make that smile of yours turn upside down into a frown in a nanosecond, especially when that waistband starts to pinch! #KeepCalmAndStopEatingCandy

Cancer

You dream of seeing your name in lights, however, like most mere mortals, you’ll have to make do with a little viral fame instead...Now this can be done in one of two ways. Number One: By doing something good for charity such as a sponsored walk or a head shave etc, where everyone congratulates you on your success, altruism and generosity. Or, Number Two: Airing your dirty laundry in public, involving yourself in $hit that doesn’t concern you, or (over)sharing shameful and provocative selfies which are better suited to OnlyFans. The choice is yours, however, you need to remember that the internet NEVER forgets. EVER! Don’t say you haven’t been warned sweetie! #FameIsFickle

Leo

The cold dark nights are drawing in and you’re just about ready to surrender to hibernation mode; which pretty much consists of a cosy blanket, fluffy slippers, hot water bottle, an industrial sized jar of hot chocolate, your preferred take-aways favorited on Deliveroo, AND renewed subscriptions to Netflix, Amazon Prime and Disney+. Boy do you mean business! Gone are the worries of old, of socialising and looking good - you can't be arsed with any of that. The thought of standing in a crowded bar, wearing as little as possible to show off your bod, covered in goosebumps, and slowly turning blue with potential frostbite is NOT an enviable alternative. #BattenDownTheHatches

Virgo

Collaboration is the key to success, so don’t be so bloody pigheaded and do (graciously) accept any help that is offered. Two heads are better than one and many hands make light work, blah, blah, blah. No, they won’t steal your limelight in helping, and yes, you will still get the credit, the applause and adulation you so badly desire; all of which means you can banish any stubborn tendencies, stop being so damn needy, and get on with the task at hand… And when it is finally completed, please have the good grace sweetie to say thank you for a job well done, preferably showing your appreciation with a large thank you beverage of the fizzy variety! #TeamWorkCanMakeTheDreamWork

Libra

No-one comes between you and your possessions, especially fashion and beauty items. You are not for sharing, and woe betide anybody borrowing your stuff without asking. Acts like that are a cry for war as far as you’re concerned, and the loss of even a lipgloss will take you to Defcon 3 without blinking; clothing runs the risk of rapid escalation to Defcon 2, and designer shoes/handbags/watches call for a full on nuclear strike. That’s when you literally explode with rage that could lead to pure apoplexy should it not be defused rapidly. These measures include replacement items - equivalent or even better than the original - being brought in as replacements, PRONTO!!! #KeepYourBloodyHandsOffMyStuff