Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Dare to dream of events where social distancing isn’t required, masks can be tossed in the trash, and where the rules don’t change every other day? Confusion reigns supreme and quite frankly you don’t know whether you’re coming or going: socialise inside or outside? mask on or mask off?! AND don’t get you started on trying to holiday abroad. You need a degree in linguistics to try and decipher the red, amber and green system. It's so exhausting that you’ve decided to stay put and not go anywhere, leaving you with ANOTHER painful dilemma: what to wear day-to-day, what with the British ‘summer’ weather being even more mercurial than the Covid rules!!! #StopTheWorldIWantToGetOff
You don’t suffer fools lightly, especially fools who have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever AND have the audacity to comment negatively on your outfits. How very dare they?! Do they not know your fashionista credentials?! And if not, then where have they been for the last decade? You can only blame so many things on Covid and lockdowns! Anyhow sweetie, just dust yourself down and carry on. Their opinions are of no value to you and you wouldn’t give two hoots even if Anna Wintour didn’t like what you were wearing! #JogOnFashionSnobs
You are looking to ‘up your game’ and raise your fashion status in order to impress friends and colleagues, but most of all, yourself; but where do you start? For inspiration, we fashion gods strongly recommend you put in a few shifts online and stalk Instagram and Pinterest for inspiration. Just steer clear of the Daily Mail’s ‘sidebar of shame’ as you don’t need to be slapped in the face by an endless parade of Z-list celebrities in a tragic state of undress, posing provocatively, whilst trying to perfect the duck lip trout pout! Your aim should be a Vogue fashion editorial, not an OnlyFans page! #KeepItClassy
You have trouble focusing at the moment. You want to lose weight. Correction. You NEED to lose weight - not for vanity, but health reasons! And unless you’ve won big on the lottery, how else are you going to get back into your neglected wardrobe whose clothes have mysteriously ‘shrunk’ during lockdown?! Doubt it has much to do with the cakes and drowning your sorrows daily with rather large cocktails... Well sweetie, it’s time to stop crying into your Cosmo and get with the programme, otherwise you’re going to need an awful lot of cash to replace your wardrobe. You can’t have it all! Splash spare cash on a new wardrobe vs reigning in the indulgences leaving you cash to spare for all the fun things and socialising. It’s a dilemma that only YOU can put right, so channel your inner superhero and get to work! Prioritise and economise. #WillpowerIsMySuperpower
You may be feeling a tad emotional as your life starts to finally resemble something close to ‘normal’. Now, at weekends, instead of arguing over which box set to re-watch for the umpteenth time, you get all glammed up, and visit some of your favourite bars, sipping delicious and dangerous cocktails, whilst having stimulating conversations with real live people in the flesh rather than excruciating Zoom annoyingly buffering away! Dry those eyes sweetie and relish these wondrous moments - you never know if they will be taken away AGAIN! #LiveLifeToTheFull
You are rarely lost for words, HOWEVER, gobsmacked perfectly sums up your feelings on all the undressed bodies that are on parade courtesy of the mini heatwave Great Britain is currently experiencing. Just because the sun comes out, doesn’t mean it’s a legal requirement to flash as much flesh as is humanly possible; c’mon, let’s face it, the human body naked is not the most aesthetically pleasing of sights, even if you have been blessed by Adonis or Aphrodite! We don’t need to see your lobster-red or white bits jiggling around in the breeze. The only lobster roll we wanna see is at the sushi bar! There are some things which need to remain under wraps! #OutOfSightOutOfMind
As life gets a little busier, you will find yourself having to multitask more and more. Long lost old habits will collide with newly-acquired ones from lockdown, which could see you trying to perform makeup and hair miracles whilst baking the perfect banana bread! Hopefully you won’t replace that pinch of cinnamon with translucent face powder or vice versa! Please, heed our advice: keep your mind sharp and focus on one thing at a time if you want to avoid baking disasters or makeover failures. That pinch of cinnamon could come back to haunt you - not because folk are waxing lyrical about your banana bread, but your patchy tangoed visage!! #MultitaskAtYourPeril
You’re in such a hurry to get out of the house these days that shock! Horror! Standards are slipping in the fashion stakes. You are failing to accessorise correctly and that just won’t do sweetie. What are you thinking?! You have to make the time. Looking fabulous is an artform that has taken you years to master, so don’t let all that you’ve learned get thrown away just because you have become lazy and complacent! Moving forward, you need to plan your diary well in advance, allowing extra time to get that outfit looking hot to trot with the ability to amaze all who witness it. #BePatient #GreatThingsTakeTime
You’ve been having a good old sulk lately and, quite frankly, behaving like a spoiled teenager, just because others are ‘stealing’ your fashion crown. Well sweetie, grow the f**k up and start planning a campaign to grab your crown back. You know what’s needed, and you know how to achieve it, after all you have been a fashion queen for as long as you can remember, and these pretenders need to know their place...so put them back in their box. You need to be cunning, like a fox, and sneak up on them when they least expect it, wearing a killer outfit that will leave them firmly in the shade and relinquishing ‘their’ -YOUR - crown! And if they don’t relinquish? Well...#OffWithTheirHeads
You need to seek out a new chill zone and adopt it for the summer months. This CANNOT be a room in your house or your garden simply because now that freedom is upon us, we all need a change of scenery, with something new and different to focus on. AND more importantly it gives you the excuse to haul your lazy bones off the couch and get dressed up before you are seen out in public. Our chill zone of choice would include a venue that has scenic views, an idyllic atmosphere and serves a wide range of cocktails (obviously)! So get searching for that oasis and make sure your wardrobe is up to the task! #ProjectSummer
Action is required immediately or else sweetie, you will find you have nothing to wear other than scruffy old clothes, much like Cinderella! The problem being you don’t have a fairy godmother who will wave her magic wand and conjure up a wardrobe that would make any fashionista green with envy. Once you have worn an outfit, it requires washing, ironing and hanging in the wardrobe, eager and ready to be worn another day. Quite simple really! So pull your finger out, and pick up that mini Mount Everest off your bedroom floor - aka floordrobe - before an avalanche of clothes buries you alive! #LifeIsNotAFairytale
This month you require strong communication skills. Many times your words have been misconstrued, with friends, colleagues, and family alike, all singing from the same hymn sheet, accusing you of being bitchy. Well sweetie, if the cap fits! Unfortunately you are not one of those people who will lie to spare another’s feelings. If they look like sh*t, you’re going to tell them and you won’t sugar-coat it either. Maybe they will be hurt in the moment, HOWEVER, they will thank you for it later when a serious fashion catastrophe is successfully averted. #HonestyIsTheBestPolicy