Trust your gut instinct, especially when it’s telling you it needs more food and alcohol. Does it? Does it really? Or are you just being a ‘greedy guts’, wanting to continue the gluttony that has monopolised your life over the last few weeks? Yes, you still have lots of chocolate, cakes and cheese and the odd bottle of liqueur lying around, but that doesn’t mean you have to trough and scoff the whole lot! Learn some self control and discipline sweetie, otherwise you will spend the next few months in tent-like clothing, with a paunch to rival Santa’s, trying to conceal the jiggly, wobbly bits, hating on your body, and crying into a boring salad washed down with gallons of water! #BlitzThatBelly

You can commence hibernation once more. Yes, the country has been plunged into yet another lockdown but fear not sweetie, you know the drill now. Lounge suit by day...pyjamas by night. A well-stocked kitchen full of the essentials and plenty of liquids (alcohol), to keep you hydrated and medicated...how else could you possibly cope with all those endless Zoom get togethers and quizzes. WORD OF CAUTION - a nice tipsy feeling is the desired effect, not sozzled and making a complete show of yourself online. Remember Zoom has a record feature and you do NOT want to be caught out AGAIN. #OnceBittenTwiceShy

You have a new way of communicating. You have forgotten what it’s like to have a face-to-face conversation with another human outside of your household and what with masks having to be worn indoors and hiding your mouth from the world - you have now discovered the art of gesticulating like a wild woman, hands flying up, down and around...eyes, scrunched, then wide open, saucer-like, when the family pet has its temperature taken at the vet’s...Deciphering mumbling has become an artform. The only good thing about masks is now you needn’t bother applying makeup to go out as nobody has a bloody clue it’s you anyway! #EveryCloudEh?

“Starting today”... How many times have you uttered these famous words since January 1st? We feel your pain sweetie, honestly we do. HOWEVER, YOU HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL! You have to be strong, develop a little backbone and bloody well stick to your guns. It doesn't matter what you want to achieve...it could be living a healthier lifestyle, dry January (heaven forbid, as if people aren’t suffering enough already) or a drastic new look. The point is you have to do it properly in order to succeed. You have to COMMIT! Now young padawan, go forth, make a plan and make it damn well work. #MayTheForceBeWithYou

This is the moment you have been waiting for - another lockdown. However this time you are NOT complaining because quite frankly you went completely over the top during Christmas and New Year, filling your face with tons of naughty treats and calorific cocktails - alas, you now resemble Mr Blobby’s other half! Oh dear sweetie, what have you done? Thankfully you now have a lot of time and privacy on your hands, allowing you to get rid of the unwanted weight gain PRONTO! Batten down the hatches, clear out the cupboards, replacing all the crap with healthy stuff and banish the booze (temporarily), somewhere dark and hard to find, preferably with a large padlock and key! #ThisTimeIMeanBusiness

Clearing out old baggage so you can start afresh? Oh sweetie, we are so thinking along the same lines! That means one thing and one thing only. SHOPPING...and even better than that... SALE SHOPPING. Get rid of all those unwanted and unused items from your wardrobe and replace them with newly sought out, desirable pieces which will make you look oh so fabulous. Don’t delay, not even for a moment - get prepared! Good WiFi connection? Check. Food and drink to sustain you through this arduous task? Check. Debit/credit cards and Paypal password at the ready? Check. On your marks...get set...GO! #ItsAnAddToCartKindOfADay

You may need to do something a little uncomfortable. Be honest with yourself. You have used the excuse of not going anywhere due to lockdown and have totally let yourself go. Your face hasn’t had a decent facial or seen makeup in such a long time it would probably put up a fight and break out in protest if any kind of product went anywhere near it. And don’t get us started on your wardrobe! Really sweetie - for the love of fashion, try getting dressed at least in daylight and not slobbing around the house ‘til dusk in chocolate- or wine-stained- PJ’s. Your self esteem, along with your nearest and dearest, will thank you for making a teeny tiny effort every now and again. #MakeAnEffortNotAnExcuse

Wake up and smell the coffee. Come on Leo, start putting some purpose back in your day. Set the alarm clock - remember those? Get washed and dressed - remember the days when you would be preened to perfection by 8.30am? Have a proper nutritious breakfast - not left over Quality Street and After Eight Mints; and make your day productive. Even if you have no work, then bloody well create some, or dust off and resurrect some old projects. Have a good old sort out and rummage through that wardrobe of yours, getting rid of all the unwanted, unused and unloved clothes and accessories that have built up over time...and then (genius idea alert!!!), host your very own Zoom sale. #BeALeaderOfFashion

It’s a long way back from ‘Slobsville’, where you have been dwelling for the last few weeks. However, salvation can be yours if you put in some serious work and shopping. Get online pronto and indulge in a little retail therapy to cheer you up and give you some well-needed motivation. Bin the junk food to get your body (and mind) back; and then, our darling Cinderella, you shall go to the ball...well a Zoom ball, but that is about the best you can hope for at the moment, not that it matters in the grand scheme of things, as this is more of an exercise in teaching you how to look and feel good AGAIN! It’s been a loooong time coming sweetie, and long may it continue! #IfYouLookGoodYouFeelGood

Don’t drop your guard Libra. We know it’s tempting, especially with nowhere to go and nobody to see, however, PLEASE DO NOT fall into the same trap as your non-fashionista friends and start dressing down in leisure/lounge suits. This is the road to fashion ruination and once you start down that dark path, forever may it dominate your destiny (another Star Wars pearl of wisdom - perhaps we’ve been watching a little too much TV lately...?!) You have a reputation to uphold not to mention your dignity sweetie, and even if the only people who witness your terrific taste in clothes are the delivery drivers - well then, you owe it to them to brighten up their delivery route. #SupportingEssentialWorkersInMyOwnSpecialWay

You desperately need some attention NOW! There were no Christmas and New Year parties to show off your impressive fashionista credentials which has left you, the perennial social butterfly, slightly bereft. You need to grieve - may we suggest over a bottle of fizz? and then move the f*** on sweetie. It’s done...it’s over. it’s now time to focus on the future and eventual freedom. We’re thinking a full on ‘makeover’ - new year, new you style - where you totally reinvent yourself. Just think how surprised everyone will be when you emerge from your hibernation cocoon. There’s not a moment to lose, so get researching, purchasing, experimenting, and relaunching. #MakeANewMe

Your finances are looking very healthy due to the fact that you didn’t see a soul over the festive period, resulting in no presents to buy, no parties to attend, no outfits to purchase, nor hair/beauty appointments to book. Never has your bank account looked so healthy. Now we should be responsible and advise you to save your hard earned cash for a rainy day...but who are we kidding? The sales are incredible at the moment, there are bargains galore to be had, which are perfect for some investment dressing , so spend, spend, SPEND, snuggled up warm in the comfort of your own home, preferably with a large glass of your favourite tipple, to toast, aid and abet your brilliantly successful shopping spree. #DoingMyBitToHelpTheEconomy